What does your OH do for you?

[Luisaa]

Sat having a little cry because I’ve come to realisation that my efforts are clearly not appreciated.

DH’s birthday was last week and as usual I put on a little display with balloons, cards, cakes etc. I make occasions special, I don’t spend fortunes but I do small and meaningful gestures to make sure DH feels loved and thought about.

I instigate date nights.

I send random loving text messages just because (not all the time, obviously! But occasionally and particularly whenever I feel DH could do with a little pick me up).

I am a sahm, so I do all the cooking - breakfast, lunches and dinners. ALL the cleaning and everything for the kids.

This week I have been ill and although DH has been nice enough, he went today and got his hair cut after work - when really I could have really done with him coming straight home to help with the kids. He came back, asked what was for dinner - immediately said ‘I don’t expect you to have cooked for me’ but still asked so… therefore he obviously did expect something! So I made him some food, then he went straight out to the gym and left me to it again.

I usually get some flowers for valentines day, but never a card, never a birthday card, never a christmas present, never breakfast or offers to put the kettle on. He will never wake with the kids and ask them to let me lay in whilst he takes them downstairs to get sorted.

All he really does is say nice things and sometimes suggest things, but these suggestions don’t come off and his actions are nil.

However…he does pay for everything and he is in a highly stressful, 6-day a week job, and so I’ve alwaaaays used that as justification and still do to some extent. It’s just today has hit me hard because I have been ill and needed him, but seemingly hair cut and gym was more important.

AIBU to except more when he only really gets 1 day off per week? Am I being ridiculous over the lack of cards/christmas present etc?

*expect, sorry! Toddler currently rolling all over me!

Ahh, I’m sorry. I would be really upset with no cards/presents too. I don’t think the work week and the stressful job is an excuse, my DH is the same but he still takes time to make me feel special. You should absolutely expect more from somebody who is supposed to love you

If I was a SAHM I would expect to do the house stuff if my other half was working 6 days.

Not celebrating your birthday is poor though, have you told him how you feel about it?

If I was a SAHM I would expect to do the house stuff if my other half was working 6 days.

Not celebrating your birthday is poor though, have you told him how you feel about it?

If I was a SAHM I would expect to do the house stuff if my other half was working 6 days.

Not celebrating your birthday is poor though, have you told him how you feel about it?

If I was a SAHM I would expect to do the house stuff if my other half was working 6 days.

Not celebrating your birthday is poor though, have you told him how you feel about it?

@Upthenorth To be honest it was petty of me to include the cooking/cleaning part because I never resent him for not getting involved in any of that - I do totally expect that to fall on me and it’s only fair. It’ only when I’m sick I wish he would just lift his finger a teeny tiny bit, you know? Eg load the dishwasher! He will watch everything just fall apart and nicely say ‘oh don’t worry about housework etc, just rest’ but how can I relax knowing he isn’t going to be picking up anything?!

He is well aware that I get upset about the lack of cards! Unfortunately though it never changes… but again I just usually put it down to him being too busy.

Same, if you are a SAHM you should deal with the house. He sounds like he works very hard and he has all the stress of having to earn and pay for everything.

Hmm, we have been married for 34 years. I think there need to be some compromises on both sides here.

DH's parents never exchanged cards or celebrated anything so DH had to learn that and he did. It took some time. If people haven't experienced giving and receiving they need to learn about it.

When the DC were small, I was a SAHM and DH was out of the house from 6.45am until after 9pm and worked at weekends and I did everything. However, I got a lie in on Sarurdays and he got one on Sundays. So you need to negotiate that with your DH.

The haircut/gym.wouodn't have bothered me. Haircuts are essential and he dud a very stressful job.

I got into the habit of telling him exactly what I wanted for birthdays/Christmas and adtwr about 10 years bought what I wanted and he wrote a cheque. He had to be trained to get me a couple of things to unwrap.

He is forbidden from buying me flowers on Valentines day. He gives me £20 and I buy them the next day, when they are reduced.

He doesn't sound like a bad lad @Luisaa and he may be reflecting what he has learnt from undemonstrative parents. It's worth working at.

I have enjoyed many cimpensations from being married to a workaholic and over time he has learnt my ways. If they don't learn them as children, it takes a little time.

I don't think other people listing a load of things that their DH's do is going to help you or make you feel better.

Your DH sounds selfish and insensitive. That's what you need to address.

I’m definitely more of the initiator in our relationship. Things like date nights. I am an anal planner and quite a controlling personality, I have reaped what I have sowed in some respects. But over the years DH and I have learned to communicate, and whilst he’s not great at initiation, I have set clear expectations and he follows those ( I don’t mean every birthday, I mean we talked about it YEARS ago, and now he has my birthday down, I don’t have to remind him in the run up or anything like that! Not that I ever have had to do that tbh).

He won’t (rarely at least) spring surprise flowers on me or a weekend break, but when I tell him what I need he listens and he does it. And more importantly he does the small things that are ultimately more important; he pulls his weight at home, he looks after me when I’m ill, he warms the car up for me when he knows I’m going out and don’t like the cold, he knows what bits of my laundry I don’t like going in the dryer, he asks me how my day was and if I look sad. This stuff matters so much more, I would never trust a man who doesn’t do any of this but throws diamonds around on special occasions buying his way into her favour.

It’s a hard one.

My DH is a terrible gift buyer. It’s really not that he doesn’t care, he just panics and buys utter rubbish.

It used to upset me but over the years I’ve realised I’m actually grateful to have someone faithful, an amazing Dad to our kids and if I told him I really need the moon on a stick he would do it. He’s there for the stuff that really matters if you know what I mean?

Similarly if ill I have to be explicit about what I need him to do or it goes over his head. Again it really isn’t lack of care, he’s just used to be being superwoman.

Before anyone tells me I married an arsehole, I can assure you I didn’t! He just doesn’t show love via presents.

My DH is one in a million. I told him right at the beginning of our relationship what I expected from him regarding my birthday - and the family traditions at Christmas - and he knows these are really important to me. Its not about money it's about thoughtfulness.

His regular jobs around the house have always been the bins and the hoovering - but he does so much more as well. He took on most of the cooking and the laundry when he retired and I was still working. When I had to stop working due to illness he continued to do that, he also does a lot of the cleaning and most of the washing up.

I am not physically able to do as much as I could before, but there is still no need for him to do as much as he does. It is his love language. He doesn't buy me flowers and he's not overly romantic, but he would do anything for me.

OP, it's doesn't have to be overtly or traditionally "romantic".
I've been married 30+ years and, for most of that time, my husband had an incredibly demanding job, dating back to pre mobile phones. So constant communication has never happened - he would think I'd gone insane if I sent him "loving texts" throughout the day 🤣
He does always give me cards, and Xmas and birthday presents (always a surprise), but I would loathe balloons, cake etc and he knows that.
He brings me breakfast in bed every Sunday.
Perhaps less obviously, he respects my right to an independent life.... doesn't question me when I see my friends or go away on my own. But he would offer to check the tyres on my car, for instance.
We keep separate finances, but he would never hesitate to transfer funds to me, if I asked him.
Since we both retired and stopped employing a cleaner, he takes it upon himself to clean the house (I don't do it!), without being asked.

OP, if your husband is working hard AND he's generally kind to you, don't sweat the small stuff - nor worry about clichés.

I think you need to stop being so passive. Relationships break down when expectations are not met. Why the fuck did you make food? He might have asked because you might have meal planned and had fresh ingredients that needed eating. I used to meal plan so if Dh made dinner he would know what it was meant to be.

I was a sahm and this is how it went. Saturday Dh gets a lie in until a set time. Sunday, I get the lie in to the same set time. That way he spends one on one time with the children. He took them out of the house too, had breakfast out with them. I woke to a lovely cup of tea and a bacon sandwich so I didn't miss out.

I am on duty when Dh is out of the house, when he is home we are a team trying to work toward the same goal, breakfast, dishwasher unpacked, at night dinner made, everyone fed, everything cleared down afterwards, bath and bedtime done. It is all together and that includes if you have primary aged children they can do stuff too. I tried to do all the housework in the week so weekends are just meals and a quick hoover every day. I had a schedule I tried to stick to. I saw it as a job.

As your Dh only gets 1 day off work I would probably alternate the lie ins, one week he has it, the next week you have it. That would be fair. Think about it, if he works long hours, so do you. If he thinks you have it easy, brilliant, he takes a few days holiday and you do nothing, nada, he does it all, he figures out how to have a poo without the children being unsafe in the house. Surely this would be a lovely stress free break!

Lay out your expectations of what you want for your birthday, Christmas or Mother's Day going forward. Ask him what he wants too. I believe marriage is 60/40 and both of you should be trying to be the 60. He needs time alone with the children to parent by himself without you always being around. The haircut shows he sees you as the default parent who no matter how sick you might be can continue functioning.

Stop being a martyr. Lay out your expectations including loading the dishwasher. Otherwise he will just continue as he is, you will become more resentful and your relationship will probably break down.

Dh and I have had lots of conversations over the years and it starts with what can I do to make your life more easy? Could your Dh make breakfasts or both of you do it together? Even if not every day, some days?

DH doesn’t do “forced celebrations” but he’ll always bring me my favourite crisps/chocolate/flowers when he sees them. He has a physically demanding job but still does 75% of the cooking/cleaning. I pretty much always initiate activities but that’s only because he’s so laid back he’s happy to just do what makes me happy - and we enjoy watching lots of sports together. He looks after me if I’m ill and he almost always anticipates what I need him to do, before I’ve asked him to do it. He will never however in a month of Sundays buy me a birthday/valentines/Christmas card, but I’m alright with that!

I’m not sure if it will make you feel worse reading about nice little things people do for each other, but one thing my DH does is make me homemade birthday and Christmas cards with little in jokes.

Many SAHM have nice partners but overall and if they are not great people I think that being in an economically vulnerable position makes som men think they have bigger balls and think they are the great I am. I remember seeing when very young how much it would cost to employ someone to do all childcare and housekeeping but ultimately it’s still not as valued by many as it’s not cold hard cash. That may be what’s happened here. My Mother always said have your own income, never been in deference to a man, she had 6 children and always worked.

All you can do is lay out your expectations and wants as should he. I find many couples just don’t communicate enough.

@Cynic17 sounds like you and your DH have a similar set up to us. Even down to can’t justify a cleaner now retired. Did have her for 2 years after I retired but she stopped cleaning and I didn’t replace her. I have actually bought DH an electric scrubbing brush as a Christmas present. He loves gadgets so it’s not as awful as it sounds.

The loving texts comment. reminded me of a time when I said send me a naughty text when you are away. He sent me the immortal words of ‘shit, bollocks, fuck ‘ as swearing is naughty. I laughed a lot at that.

I was never a SAHM though I did have a long maternity leave with DS of almost a year as had a good maternity package, I did all cooking and cleaning but he always washed up after dinner and also put DS to bed. He also often bought me tea in bed. DH also buggered off overseas for a decade often so was away almost 3 months in the first year of DS life. He is a scientist and was not contactable easily as he was away in difficult to reach places, I remember once he canoed down part of the Amazon and was in the Malaysian jungle when people were being kidnapped. It’s been a funny life.