Stress

[PerkyOchrePeer]

A friend of mine has dementia and ifs getting worse. I went to see her today and it's really stressed me to the point where u cannot cope with going to see her again. She has no memory of mt last visit and on mt last visit 8 had a photo taken if us to give to her as a reminder and when I gave her the photo she asked who the person was that was in the photo with her and I said its me
I cannot cope with it anymore. I've got a bad headache and feel sick from the stress of the visit. My friend kept asku g where she was and I gave her a note book with the area and name of the xare home written in it so she can look in the book as a reminder but she needs to have the book with her because even if she reads what's written in the book she will forget so she needs to keep it with her at all times to read instead of asking people. I found it so stressful today that I'm not sure I can go anymore. Am I being selfish

No you aren't being selfish OP.

Dealing with someone who has dementia is very very difficult. Especially when you are having to come to terms with the person that you were fond of has now gone.

@PerkyOchrePeer no you are not being selfish. I made the decision to stop visiting my grandfather when he stopped recognising me because it wasn't doing him any good and I wanted to remember him as the man I knew.

@DepRosLil did that make you feel superior?

Yep

No you are not selfish OP.

My best friend has behavioural variant ftd; we are only 35. She was sectioned back in 2021 before they discovered the real cause of her behaviour. I used to see her regularly until she pushed me in the stomach when 6 months pregnant. My best friend is no longer here, it’s just her shell left behind.

People with dementia need caring People around them. They dont need to be tossed aside as an inconvenience. I've just started a new job. I am wondering if I just went for 30 minutes rather than 2 hours it would be less stressful. My frie d used to be quite articulate . The actress Pauline Quirke has dementia and I prefer to remember her as the funny comedy actress she used to be but we have to face reality and remember that was the past and you have to deal with the here and now. Forget the past and deal with the present and the future

There is a very big difference between not feeling able to visit someone with dementia because it is an overwhelmingly difficult situation to deal with and tossing them aside as an inconvenience.

I guess so. My mum had dementia. It never got that bad because she had physical issues and I always said that she would die from her physical issues before her dementia got really bad which was true. She was quite argumentative which I found hard to cope with, but she once said to me that she thought I only visited her because I felt I had to not because I wanted to and that's how I feel about my dementia friend. I visit because I have to not because I want to abd that's the selfish bit. She's got her clothes dumped in her room in carrier bags and it was like that on my last visit. Why has nobody sorted the and put them away? There were 8 bags a d i thought i could help her sort them out and clear them away and make her room more tidy. Surely the carers in the home should be doing this

The other stressful thing is her sister is not clearing g her flat. She is her next of kin and harassed me what to do with the furniture as this care home doesn't allow you to bring g your own furniture. I said take it to a second hand furniture shop and she where.

Its easy as I did it to clear my parents home but the sister seems incapable of doing it without asking me.

I dont want or need this burden. The care home also thinks I'm the sister which shows how little the sister visits

From your updates OP I can understand why you are feeling the pressure: you are being pushed into the situation of acting as your friend's next of kin.
I do think you need to assert yourself.
Can you request a meeting with the person in charge at the Care Home and make it very clear to them that you are not the next of kin and that they should be addressing relevant issues to her sister? That you are visting in the capacity of friend not relative?
And similarly stress this to her sister.

There are no issues ro address. They are not yyratinh me as next of kin grommets the home. I do not need st speak to the manager. 8 need to talk to the sister and tell her to pull her finger out and help her sister more than she is doing and stop asking me what to do.

That's fair enough. I thought from what you said the fact they assume you are the next of kin was a problem for you. It certainly has the potential to cause problems.
And I thought you had already tried to get the sister to take on responsibility. But if you think talking to her will do some good then go for it.

The sister obviously got her into the care home. Apart from that, she isn't doing much else. She should be sorting out my friends flat and getting rid of the furniture. I dont know the sister but each time I speak to her she asks my advice on what to do. I dont want or need that responsibility i have done it all before to clear my parents house so I know what should be done. You contact a second hand furniture shop and they take the furniture. I dont understand why the sister can't do it. I refuse to get involved. She can do what she likes. She enjoys asked me which charity shop to use. She is an intelligent woman with a husband so between them they can sort this out. I was on my own and I did it.

I bow out