Navigating Christmas with a severely depressed teen

[mhsonissues]

Can anyone offer advice ?

We are waiting for Mh appts (depression/anxiety/ASD and OCD) but this isn’t going to be till after Christmas. It’s very difficult. We aren’t sure whether a family Xmas is better or to just stay at home as I wasn’t sure is a busy Xmas more distracting if you’re depressed and better or better to have more peace and quiet ?
The atmosphere in the home is difficult for younger dc as well so I’m trying to get them out and about more whilst ensuring ds (15) never alone. Also trying to get 1-1 time with eldest but because of this I have not done any prep or wrapping and the housework needs doing so it’s very overwhelming.

Quiet Christmas but structured so do a plan for day- maybe as visual timetable on fridge ostensibly for younger child but to help older child. Try and have 1 adult to 1 child ratio.
Manage expectations for older child - ask them to open presents with family eg simultaneously not one by one on show. don’t expect them to be gushing- just a polite text to family members.

Give them tasks to do in kitchen to keep them close with you. Give younger one fun crafts with other adult.

keep meal simple.

Go for a walk in fresh air and daylight that is good for mental health (try and do regularly beforehand if you can) and somewhere green.

Have quiet time not unstructured time times and plan for Boxing Day and weekend when there is natural dip.

Ask them what they want

Have you asked them? Having been through this with my DD, she would always want to be in the thick of it. But we would always have a car with us so we could leave at any point she wanted, which actually she never did.

Also you note that you are waiting for CHAMS. Is there any chance you can just pay for one private session, just to try get things off their chest before Christmas? We paid for 3 private sessions and she offloaded more there than she ever did at CHAMS.

The key is to keep talking and asking what they want. If they try to shut you down, try gentle tactics like sitting on the bed. Just be there to listen. Guessing what they may/may not want will just make things harder.

I have all I get each time as a reply is ‘I don’t know’ or they storm off

I have 2 children with ASD and the eldest had a lot of issues with her mental health around the same age as your son but really it was issues around what she was actually thinking and feeling, as an example she was using shame to motivate herself as her ASD made her quite demand avoidant so she’d shame the hell out of herself to start up tasks. She felt unlovable and unworthy because that was the feedback she was getting back through her interactions with peers because she needed to adapt and modify her approach. Dealing with each of these specific issues and coping mechanisms was what helped her to overcome her issues and she is amazing now at a later age.

So I guess what I wondering for your son is specifically why he so depressed? Is he feeling lonely, isolated, confused, what is it about his life that he is really struggling with? Trying to get him to open up in these specifics could make all the difference for him even so they can be communicated with a therapist down the line.

I think in some ways the diagnosis can be a bit of a red herring in that it is not the ASD itself that causes these negative emotions per se and helping him to get to the bottom of that will help him to move forward.

If you have understanding family, then could you do the family Christmas but with the understanding that if the DC wants to withdraw to another room with headphones and be quiet / antisocial that will be permitted with no 'come and join us' nagging?

We have done this with DD (now recovering anxiety and depression), we make a deal, be together this bit, then you can go off and we won't nag/complain.

When you say ensuring DS is 'never alone', are you concerned about self harm, or just wanting to be near for moral support?

Ask them what they want or can manage. Tell them it’s ok to change their mind. Invite them to join in with things like opening presents, eating with you, playing a game, watching a movie etc. if they’re PDA, you may need to do this several times in gentle ways - they may really want to.
Big hugs to you. Been there xx

No advice, just sorry you’re going through this and how hard this must be.