Post natal depression 4 years later

[RoundWood3]

Just wanting to chat as I’m struggling with the guilt of feeling so much pain from things that happened after I gave birth. I was diagnosed with post natal depression short of my baby’s first birthday and ended up taking a few months of work to get therapy.

a few months ago I felt the depression returning I feel due to things I didn’t fully process about her birth. But the things I experienced are no where near as bad as what other people experience (eg a relative of mine had a child with brain damage due to medical negligence during labour or a friend who almost lost their life giving birth) and I feel so guilty that I am struggling with the pain of my experiences. My pain is due to feeling so lonely and helpless after giving birth because almost immediately my husband had to leave due to Covid and I wasn’t able to see him for 14 hours until visiting time but I didn’t know how to care for a newborn. I wasn’t even able to walk as the epidural was still in effect. The ward was so busy the main nurse was crying so I didn’t feel like I was being looked after.

Another major painful moment of mine is how my little one had jaundice and had to go back in to hospital a few days old but the doctor said she was so bad because “I wasn’t feeling her properly” - which I know he didn’t MEAN it was my fault but I totally internalised that and started blaming myself that my body couldn’t feed my baby and they almost died because of it. (They weren’t at blood transfusion levels but needed the highest level of light therapy).

even just thinking about those two incidents (and there were so many more tiny incidents over the course of 10 days which I found so painful) I’m a mess. And I can’t think of anything else currently even when I’m doing daily activities it is like there’s a programme of pain running in the background of my brain.

im trying to do the right thing - taken time offf work; seeing my gp regularly; seeing my therapist regularly; self care; walking; meditation; affirmations. When will this feeling go? It’s been 4 years since I gave birth but the feeling is still so fresh.

Hi, I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing - I didn't want to just scroll past because I can see from your words that things are not in a good place for you.
It must have taken a lot for you to pull everything together into your post, so please know that we see your strength underneath all of the difficulties.

I don't have mental health training, so can't advise you in that respect (sorry), but I did spot something in your writing that I wanted to point out.

Please don't compare your journey with anyone else's - especially if you are feeling that your experience is in some way 'less bad' than someone else. You don't have to be feeling at your absolute worst to also be 'worthy' of help. The compassion and empathy that you have for someone else is commendable, but you also deserve for others to understand that you are struggling. You don't mention whether you are talking to the people around you about this, but it sounds like they need to see that the things that you have been through have all added up to a huge amount of pain, and that you may need their help to move through it.

Sending loads of love and support to you (through the internet!) - you've done a very brave thing by sharing on here, so it might just take a few more moments of bravery to reach out to those around you so that you're not going through this alone xx

Big hug OP. 💐 I had a birth I personally found traumatic, but really struggled with the fact others had worse. Healing began when I stopped comparing or listening to others. I had a shit time, it was hard, I struggled. Someone else having a worse time doesn't make that not true. I don't need their experiences or opinions to validate mine.

Therapy helped, as did accessing my birth notes. Very triggering, I would read with support, but helped me make sense of everything that happened.

I also found my second pregnancy & birth intensely triggering, but healing. I don't think any labour and delivery goes to plan tbh, but I was able to advocate for myself and felt proud of it.

Speaking to other mums, we always carry our birth stories with us. But they don't need to be the sum of our motherhood, or be the sole shaping force.

Thank you both ♥️

i appreciate knowing other mums have similar feelings as my close mum friends seem to have coped well with their births. I’m open about talking to my close friends about it and my husband of course. I really hope I can process it with therapy but waiting until the new year to tackle the big stuff.

I need to remind myself that people experience different traumas but that shouldn’t negate the pain I feel. Easier said than done at the moment.

I don’t think I will go through my birth notes. Some of the things that happened were with family members; feeling I needed more support from my husband and my mother. There were so many times I felt let down.

I’m fortunate to have their support now (although it took a literal mental breakdown to start receiving that) and grateful to have the time off work to process my pain. It’s just exhausting!

I think the treatment you get after birth, from healthcare professionals and your family, naturally compounds the way you feel.

I most certainly had that sense too, and was so jealous of people with drama free support. For months after my first birth I'd have this feeling of wanting my mum so desperately, but really what I wanted was someone to take care of me. I think a large reason that didn't happen is birth and postpartum are dismissed as women's problems to quickly get over. In reality it's a huge shift, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Something that comforts me is that I can break that cycle. I find purpose in the memory of pain in that I know my own DC will never experience that lack of support. I'll always be into their corner, especially if I'm blessed with grandbabies one day. ❤️

In my own context, I also don't think my DH knew what I needed. I've gotten better at articulating that, and we've both gotten better at giving each other grace. It helps that I try focus on what I want my life to look like now and next, rather than on the shit times of our marriage.

I'm glad you're taking time off to process, and they've had a wake up call. This time of year is hard when emotions are stirring, so be kind to yourself and be proud of your bravery in reflecting on your experiences.