Why do some men start abusing their partners if they (the partner) becomes seriously ill

[Horriblesitu]

It happened to me. I can’t make sense of it. You would think there would be care and empathy, not abuse and cruelty. I didn’t leave because I can’t risk shared custody with the horrible manipulation he is capable of.

Lots of men do the same when their wife gets pregnant or has a baby.
I think maybe they’re not the centre of attention and can’t deal with it like an adult?

I would talk to someone about it and log his behaviour.

I’m sorry that happened to you.
My view is that many men go into a relationship believing the woman will always be there to look after them and when they can’t do that anymore they start to show they’re true colours.

I think it’s because they are selfish and they no longer have someone to take care of them/maid service. And sex might reduce or be off the table entirely and their “needs” aren’t being met

I think once you have faced into the dark side of human nature nothing is surprising particularly about how unfortunately too many men view women but maybe sadly even how other women view women too. Trying to make sense out of it really doesn’t work it happens on a human level where sense does not exist.

I am so, so sorry for your experiences. I do think though that once you recover you should make a plan to leave.

Children do not operate on what they have been told, they operate on the underlying energy of the environment much like you see animals having a deep understanding of energy. Your children may not have the words but they feel the abuse going on around them and if you can find a path to safety with them you should take it. I think you might find that if you get some good advice you might be able to create a situation where a self focussed narcissistic man leaves you all alone rather than take on any burdens that do not centre himself.

You deserve so much better.

I'm so sorry OP.

It's well known that men will often leave their wife/partner if they develop a serious illness or condition.

An acquaintance of mine left his wife, and mother of his young child, after she had a stroke that somewhat affected her left hand side. What a shit.

My ex started/upped the abuse when I had periods of stress or busyness.

While he was unemployed I worked extra hours to attempt to cover the loss, that was the first time he actually attempted to kill me.

Another time was during Covid. He was unemployed again and I was working bonkers hours (support worker).

When I’d be unwell or start a new job or anything where I needed rest and peace he’d also get worse. More demanding. More aggressive.

Do you mean as a carer? In a way I can understand how that happens, it’s the resentment and stress. That’s not an excuse of course, but you asked why and people usually do have a reason, as unpalatable as it may be. For whatever reason they’re also not brave enough to leave.

its why I couldn’t be a carer. I would be awful and can see myself getting frustrated to the point of verbal abuse.

I'm really sorry you are in this position. That's really tough on you, especially with the worry about custody. I think some men resent the responsibility of having to be a carer and step up with more care for their children and home - that wasn't in THEIR life plan. They are the star of their story, they need empathy and care not you! Some have never had to comfort and support others, or they see having to provide care as beneath them.

Because they realise they can get away with it and it is harder for the woman to leave (same with why abuse often starts during pregnancy). Also because they feel entitled to - they see it as their woman appliance is malfunctioning and feel annoyed about that so behave abusively to punish you for your “malfunction”.

so sorry for what you’re going through. Do you have an escape plan if he escalates? How old are your DC and do you have an end date when they will be old enough to deal with him?

Some don’t have the emotional capacity for these situations. Feelings like worry or concern due to facing a situation out of their control (such as an illness) are being diverted into aggression and anger because some believe/have learned/were brought up to believe that anger this is the only acceptable emotion to show as a man. There’s some research about this which I found quite interesting. The bad news is that it is not usually fixable and the only way forward with such men is to walk away.

Also their support human is not behaving as she should.

Because they want to end it but aren't brave enough and behave so badly the woman likely will.

Thank you everyone for replying. I haven’t disappeared. Just thinking things through after reading replies. Thank you again.

As previous posters said, it exposes the truth. When you can't run a house and life for them, it shows you if they really love you or just wanted a 'service bot'. It's a recognised phenomenon. The MacMillen (apologies about the spelling) run counselling about it to warn women that men often leave when they are diagnosed with Cancer.

They are predatory from the start, whilst the woman is strong they maintain civility but when the balance of power shifts they sense it and exploit it with abuse.

Someone on here said it's because their
Appliance 2000 is broken and they resent it.

I thought that very apt

I think it’s a bit like thumping a broken telly.

😁😁

Yeah, this basically. They are angry they aren't getting loads of stuff done for them and resentful that their partner needs them to step up around the house and with the kids. This wasn't supposed to be the deal.

But interesting how it doesn't work the other way round - women generally don't turn on ill male partners.