How should I deal with this situation and dh

[Hibiscusred]

two years ago we moved to another (long haul) country from the U.K.
we put our ‘stuff’ in storage on the basis the storage company would send us everything in 6 months time via a shipping company.

what actually happened. Despite me packing a load of stuff that I expected to see in 6 months time, dh has not arranged the stuff to be sent. It’s been two years and I’m very upset about not seeing any of my things, same for my dc. The company are saying it’s officially dh stuff he needs to arrange it not me, dh has decided it’s too expensive to ship and would rather pay £6k a year to store the stuff. This is an huge cost to us. its now cost more to store than it would to ship and its ongoing. I’ve now asked if we can at least move it to storage where I can see the stuff but dh is not allowing that to happen either.i don’t know what to do. I’m finding it very hard being without my ‘things’ all my family photos, my little comfort clothes that I like and dc toys that will eventually not be any uses they get older. I packed on the basis I would see my stuff soon.

This is not legal advice and is probably terribly advice but if my dh did this, I would take it as him not considering you all as domiciled in your new country (per Hague Convention) ie seeing you as temporary, collecting my dc and moving home.

Failing that, take good advice from a Hague convention lawyer and see what it says about coercive control and come home.

He can release your belongings as part of the divorce settlement. He sees you as a chattel right now, of no emotional value to him.

Gosh that is really awful OP.

It comes over as though he is doing this deliberately to punish you for some reason.

What is your marriage like generally because it doesn't sound as though he has much love or care for you and your DCs if this is the way he treats your feelings.

Wow that is one controlling husband

If that was my DH I would push him on why. You say it costs more annually to store than to ship? "DH, it's not cheaper to store, so your reason doesn't stand up. What's the real reason you don't want to ship it?"
The fact that you haven't pushed him to answer suggests that there are bigger issues in your marriage?

I would just be an absolute broken record.

If i had the money I'd give it to him and sau theres the cash i want my things.

Every single day I'd be harassing him about it.

I dont understand how you let it slide for 2 years!

How much does it cost to ship? Surely not more than £12 or 18k (thats "just" 2 - 3 years storage)

It seems like a bit of a ludicrous situation to keep paying ongoing storage costs. Are you sure the stuff still exists and DH hasn't just told them to ditch it.

It's just stuff, though. Just buy new clothes/toys etc as needed. In the bigger scheme of things, possessions aren't that important.

@TheSandgroper yes I feel like chattel. I will look at this being his version of us not settled.

I have cried and begged so much @SalmonOnFinnCrisp I must ask at least every few days it upset me everytime I realise I’m missing things I’d like to use, silly thing like a necklace or handbag that goes with whatever for a night out, we’re living somewhere where it’s not that easy to simply buy things as well. Many of my dc favourite toys are in there and they’re also distressed and want their things back too. I’ve been trying to accept its material things but there’s also photos of my late family and videos of them I can’t replace that I would never have packed had I known I may never get them back. I have presented the figures to him, it would cost no more than he’s already spent and he seems happy to keep spending £6k a year storing it all. We have the cash to ship it rn. He won't sort it though.

We are flying back to the uk tomorrow and feel this is my best chance of getting things sorted. I don’t have anywhere to go though. We are staying in a hotel.

We are flying back to the uk tomorrow and feel this is my best chance of getting things sorted

100% yes
can you rope in family (his and / or yours) to shame him into it

Also why dont you have any where to go????

If you're flying to the UK, just take the important stuff (sentimental photos/videos etc) out of storage, pack them up and mail them to yourself at home. Arrange for the non sentimental stuff (clothes, furniture, toys, ornaments etc) to be disposed of, saving storage costs moving forward. Surely you can't own that much genuinely sentimental stuff (that you were happy to leave behind). A couple of boxfuls could just be mailed.

What do you mean, he’s not ‘allowing’ it to happen? Who are these men who think that they have the final say in what happens in the household without any discussion or a need for there to be a general agreement? Isn’t this high handed control making you question your marriage? What if he decides to stop paying the storage fees? Everything you own will be lost. Is this a man whose word to keep paying is one you can trust? Because he’s already broken one promise over your things.

I would stamp on this shit so fast his head would spin. First thing first, do you actually have room for everything? If so, then great. Tell him you’re shipping it all over and he either signs the paperwork or you will be shipping yourself out of the marriage. If you don’t have room, then you need your own storage in your own name. I’d be appointing a solicitor in the UK to write to the storage company, explaining that a lot of it is not, technically, his stuff. It is your stuff that he is refusing to return to you and that they are storing stolen property. I’d also have no hesitation in telling husband that I’d be reporting him to the police in the UK. I doubt they’d be willing or able to do anything but he won’t know that for a fact and his first thought will be whether police involvement will impact on his employment or his visa.

Is it ‘just’ the storage or is he controlling in other areas as well? If so, gather up all your documents and everything that is precious to you and your children. Get on the plane here. Get the passports in your possession. Do not go back. The council have a duty of care to children. It might not be pleasant but you won’t be on the street.

How does he access the account?
If via website then go online & change names to joint & your email address, then you can speak to the company & sort it out.
Or send email from his email address authorising you to act on his behalf.

If you don't have access to his email account or online account, then you need to get him to give you that access.
Otherwise you are at his mercy.
In which case, I'd refuse to return with him & start divorce proceedings.
Good luck!

I second this, if he is controlling. Seize your chance whilst in the UK, see a family law solicitor and put the case that the move is temporary as your stuff is being stored here and isn't intended to be shipped to your current country. See if you can legally stay in the UK with the kids. If you try to do this whilst in the other country he can presumably prevent you leaving. If he divorces you, and you don't have a visa in your own right, you could be looking at being chucked out of the new country without your children. Ask the solicitor about this as well, as it varies between countries.

@dontmalbeconme its not a storage centre you can access it’s a ‘holding centre’ for the stuff to be shipped eventually, noone has access to see the stuff until dh doesn’t store it there anymore. I have asked dh to move it to a self storage unit in the uk if he doesn’t want it shipped but he says that’s even more expensive. Dh told me when we moved that we would get all of our stuff within 6 months of moving. If I knew this wouldn’t happen i would have packed differently, we could only take what we took on the plane with us.
Neither of us have any close family. It’s just us.
I have no access to his emails I don’t know if there is an account to access for the storage stuff, I will try to see if I can get access but he’s always got his phone on him and I’m scared to snoop. I can see payment for storage going out the bank so it’s definitely still being stored.

Oh that's annoying that you can't access it in it's current location Can you discuss with your DH getting it released to self storage temporarily while you're over here, so that you can sort out (and ship) the sentimental essentials, and dispose of the rest. He might be more accommodating if you're clear that most will be being disposed of (saving ongoing storage costs).

Well, if you are going to be in the Uk, find a solicitor and get yourself sorted out. Definitely find one experienced in The Hague Convention. You must not do anything without thinking of The Hague Convention.

I’m a great believer in taking advantage of an opportunity and being in the UK is certainly an opportunity for good legal advice.

Has he actually said what his long term plan is here? Keep paying £6k a year for the rest of his life? Stop paying it and leave all the stuff to get destroyed by the holding centre who couldn’t care less about sentimental value once they stop getting their money? How sure are you that the latter hasn’t already happened, he didn’t pay the fees and is prolonging telling you that your stuff isn’t coming back in the hope you’ll eventually “forget”?

@dontmalbeconme yes I have suggested selling the furniture to reduce the cost of the storage. He’ll nod and say sure but then doesn’t get the stuff. @Namechange4326789779943 hes paying the fee to the company every month and I can see that. I don’t know what would happen if he stopped it, as you say id assume they’d destroy the stuff. There’s a good amount of moneys worth of stuff in there so be a bit odd for him to let it lapse but now I have no idea what will happen.

I am trying to come to terms with that’s the only childhood pictures/videos I have and I may never get them back. I also have valuable items such as limited edition designer handbags and clothing and things like that but those I can accept losing easier, I can’t replace them and have had them for years but they’re material things. I took some with me but even that I’m hating myself over whether I chose the right ones to ‘save’ having not expected to never see them again. Some are from before I met dh and I feel like I’ve lost my worldly possessions even though they’re technically locked up somewhere.

thanks @TheSandgroper not sure I’m in any place to leave because of The Hague convention and dc but I will look into it.