Friend keeps venting to me but ignores my advice

[StayceGerste]

I’ve got a friend I’ve known for years who’s going through a rough patch with her partner. I’m happy to listen and I do care, but lately it feels like she only comes to me to offload. She’ll call, talk for an hour, ask what I think, I give her my honest opinion, and then she either dismisses it or goes straight back into the same cycle the next week.
I don’t expect people to follow my advice every time, but it’s starting to feel like I’m just a free emotional bin. I’ve tried gently pulling back but she ramps up the messages whenever I do.
Is this just part of being a supportive friend or is it reasonable to set firmer boundaries?

Set firmer boundaries. I had this, and suggested they went for counselling as I noticed that that they hadn’t chosen to take my advice so perhaps I am not the best person to listen to. A few times after she tried using me to offload and I repeated that counselling would be better as listening to her hurting was also hurting me as I couldn’t help. Result in about 10 days. Still friends.

That's because she doesn't want you advice. She just wants to vent. If its too much just tell her.

It seems that your friend is playing the "Yes But" game with you. If you're not familiar, it's a book by (if memory serves) Eric Burns (spelling?).

I've met people like this a few times, my Mum was a past master at this game. The book advises, roughly, that your friend isn't actually asking for advice, they are asking for symapthy.

Now,if I encounter someone who seems to be playing this game, I try to just sympathise, saying things like Oh that must be awful for you, rather than what I actually think, such as Have you been to the doctor, if not you should.

It's difficult,because I'm one of nature's problem solvers. If you come to me with a problem my instinct is to try to solve it, rather than sympathise. But I've found that sometimes, it's the sympathy that the other person seeks.

She probably just wants to whinge rather than get advice.

I’m a big fan of whinging and never want someone to advise or try and fix my problem. My partner always tries to come up with a solution but I don’t want one!

I can understand how it would be annoying though.

I have a friend who insists on giving people unwanted advice and gets annoyed that they don’t follow it. Sometimes peoplev do get fed up with b their partner etc and want to offload not be told to LTB!

“Oh Constance, not this again! You don’t want me giving you advice and you’re just going round and round in circles! Let’s talk about something else, for goodness sake!”

Stop giving any advice, just say oh dear and change the subject

Just a straightforward “what do you need from me this morning? Advice or sympathy or just to listen?” usually focuses their mind and makes people like this stop and think a bit. Use a neutral tone. But if she chooses an option, go with it, but then ask the same thing next time.

Most people get the underlying message if you continue to ask the above, but if she is a bit more thick skinned you might have to go with, a long deliberate pause, and then say, “you know what Shirley, we have discussed this many times now. I don’t think I can offer any more advice that is going to be helpful to you,. I really feel for you but in future I suggest you ask another friend or see a professional. Now would you like to make plans to attend that class we were talking about blah blah blah?”

You need to set some boundaries not in a harsh way if you value the friendship (and just by asking about such a dilemma shows you care). I would let the friend vent a little and not offer advice anymore just ‘oh yep,’ and ‘and what did they say back?’ I think shut it down firmly after a few minutes or just say, ‘I’ve got X, Y and Z on’ or that you have a bit of time pressure and need to run an errand soon. It may feel a bit forced or maybe uncomfortable a few times but eventually it will sink in and your friend will hopefully move onto another topic.

I never bother giving advice now really, adults generally know their options anyway and don’t need you to tell them what to do.

Presumably your friend wants to talk through her feelings, weigh up her options and emotionally offload. You’re not a counsellor - if it’s too much put some boundaries down as pp have suggested.

But I think giving/ignoring advice is a red herring.

It's draining being someone's unpaid counsellor/sounding board.
I would never do it again as their problems became my problems on giving it headspace trying to work out a solution for them.
It was a work colleague and every day there was some domestic drama.

This is interesting because I'm on the other side. I've been going through a really difficult time with a family member having been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I've become their main carer out of nowhere. I have a friend who professes to be there for me and talks a lot about supporting friends, but when I came to be in need of someone to talk to about this awful situation she just refused to engage with it or acknowledge how I was feeling and how it was affecting me. I wasn't looking for advice, just a bit of moral support. On one occasion when I was in tears about this and messaged her, she just changed the subject about the weather and how cold it had been. I can't see her the same way now, after I've listened to all her problems in the past, and tried to help and be there for her. I've decided I can't be friends with her any more after her cold and what seems like selfishbehaviour. Just giving the opposite side of the situation in case it helps. Maybe she was just protecting herself as people are advising here, but that means I've got to do the same.

That is very true but OPs friend asks her what she thinks.

OP I think @user1471453601 is on the right track. When she asks what you think she probably wants to hear that you can see things are difficult for her and that you sympathise.

Perhaps saying, “I know how tough this is for you. I don’t know what else to tell you,” might be enough. To say that on repeat week in week out will be draining unless you can find a way of disengaging and put it down to one of her quirks.

Leaving it open ended like that might even prompt her to come up with her own solution. That would mean you could at least move the conversation on by asking how she was getting on with her solution, if she raised the subject again.

No advice from me, just solidarity as I have the exact same thing with a (male) friend right now. He has been to a counsellor and the counsellor gives the same advice as me but he just goes round in circles!

Some great advice on this thread which I will be trying, thanks.

I've had this before and I tried to limit the amount of time venting and then eventually had to say I couldn't talk about it anymore as it was really starting to upset me. It's hard listening to the same thing over and over and seeing my friend becoming increasing down.

I don’t talk to people like this. Life’s too short.

@IsItWickedNotToCare I'm sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment and it's so disappointing when a friend can't even listen. Maybe they have something going on or it's triggering something in them. I'm going through a bit of a tough time at the moment and have managed to chat to a few people to 'spread the load', i am having to limit how much i talk about it as its draining for them. The friend who has been the most supportive is not who I expected. Are there some other friends you could chat to, people might surprise you.

I have started to put in boundaries with people like this.

I used to be a very good listening ear for people with the sympathy not with the advice but it got exploited by people who need persistent validation without any having any accountability themselves.

Now I listen for a while and then tell them this conversation seems to be going around in circles that we have discussed that issue at length and I don’t think I can help them with it anymore. That it is obviously is causing them a lot of pain, suffering, distress, etc so they might need to speak to a therapist about it to resolve it with them.

I have noticed that some people start to get very angry when you put in any boundaries with them because if they allowed boundaries in the first place from themselves or others then usually they wouldn’t have the issue they have.

I’ve got a very old friend like this. Literally everything turns to custard…. She’s had some knocks (like most people) plus a nasty divorce and now she’s a single mum with a difficult teen. I try to be supportive and available but have on a few occasions stepped back as she’s been quite rude. DH and kids think I should cut contact, but I am worried about her.

She vents but all she wants is for people to agree that it’s all so unfair and yes everyone is out diddle her. There’s no positivity. She is also not able to hear other people’s troubles. Eg recently all she spoke about was her aunt who was dying and how awful it was. Sad I agree but the lady was 70/80 odd. I made lots of sympathetic noises - she’d not registered that my FIL was ill and then died on the same day. Even though I had mentioned it.

She needs serious therapy and I worry about the teen and whether she will be able to have a relationship with him for much longer. Strongly suspect teen will leave to live with dad in a year or 2. Frankly that’s what I’d do in the teens shoes.

@user1471453601 never seen anything so accurate!! It took me years to realise that people didn't always want me to solve their problems (even though I was "the problem solver"!)

I’ve got a friend I’ve known for years who’s going through a rough patch with her partner. I’m happy to listen and I do care, but lately it feels like she only comes to me to offload. She’ll call, talk for an hour, ask what I think, I give her my honest opinion, and then she either dismisses it or goes straight back into the same cycle the next week.
I don’t expect people to follow my advice every time, but it’s starting to feel like I’m just a free emotional bin. I’ve tried gently pulling back but she ramps up the messages whenever I do.
Is this just part of being a supportive friend or is it reasonable to set firmer boundaries?

Thanks, i will try.

You don't have to be available to be her therapist whenever she wants. That's a lot on you, and I think you probably need to consider your own boundaries and whether the friendship goes both ways or not.

Yeah, I think you’re probably right — some people just want to vent and feel heard, not actually change anything. And that’s fine in small doses, we all do it, but it gets exhausting when you’re the one being called every time the cycle resets.
What throws me is that she keeps asking for my opinion, which makes it feel like she wants actual input… and then immediately ignores it. If she just said “I need to rant for a bit”, I’d honestly find that less draining.
I don’t mind being supportive, but when it gets to the point where I feel wiped out after every conversation, that’s when I start thinking boundaries are needed. It’s hard to be a good friend when you’re running on empty.

I have a friend like this, constantly talks at me about her partner & her job. I just disengaged from it. I don’t see her that often, but if she mentions work or him in a message I just ignore it and reply to the rest of the conversation. Or else we would literally get into a repetitive cycle of how she’s treated badly at work & by him/his family but will never leave. I used to be sympathetic, say that’s horrible, build her confidence, encourage her to leave etc but honestly?

I think she only offloads to me so I look like the bad guy if that makes sense. Ie she can paint me as being the devil on her shoulder advising her to leave and like she’s stuck in the middle. As soon as I noticed she was framing me in that way, I just withdrew from that dynamic. So any time she mentions being busy/work, or family life, I just ignore as I know she’ll start banging on about her issues if I give her an inch.