How to have a quieter life

[Realisation14]

My life always seems really hectic and non-stop and I feel like it shouldn't! I only have one child but we foster off/on the last 5yrs only one child at a time so occasionally we have two kiddos here (so I'm not overrun or outnumbered by children although my DH works a full time job).

I stopped working 2yrs ago for a combination of reasons, the main one being chronic illnesses (so fibromyalgia, chronic IBS, struggling with mental health) and secondary reason was so that I could focus on my caring roles so foster care being one and my own son having ASD, VVS - without running myself into the ground.

And yet of all I always feel like I'm running around like a blue arse fly. Through journalling the other day I came to the realisation that only around 15% of the time that I leave my home is because I WANT to, 85% is because I MUST.

For 2026 I'd love to reduce the amount of stuff on my calendar somehow basically that doesn't give me any joy. Does anyone have any hints or tips of how they've done this in their own lives? I'm naturally a homebody, love my own company, have plenty of at-home hobbies and my body needs the rest due to my conditions but yet there always seems to be an errand or appointment dragging me out!

Errands or jobs- can you try and bunch them together so they are all done at once?

Do as much online as you can?

If you don’t work and child is at school this should be easy to do

Is it because you get a ‘job’ in and think you need to complete it immediately?

I always meal plan Monday- Friday. This takes away a lot of dithering about meals and also write a strict shopping list.

I am picky about things I say Yes to.

Our house is busy too but we do have 3 children aged between 5-16, we both work (me part time) so I’ve accepted it will be busy while they all want to still do clubs. Which we encourage.

Did you feel like this when you were employed outside the house? It might be that the tasks you have expand to fit the time you have. If you’re naturally a procrastinator (like me) you’ll leave them til the last minute and feel stressed and rushed.
example of my week:
Monday- rare day off in the working week. Faff about on phone, “resting” put a wash on, rush out just in time to catch an open post office. Didn’t wash 😳 Reheated take away supper (ie, nothing bougie) bed feeling slightly guilty.
Tuesday/ Wednesday
up, personal trainer and crazy busy day at work. Home cooked meals both nights, at hairdresser now, I’ll get to bed past 11 tired but happy. I find the less structure I have the less I do and the more disarisfied I am.

Sorry, I should have said DS is flexi-schooled so he doesn't attend full time, just one hour per day at the moment and I home educate the remainder but that doesn't bother me as most of that doesn't require leaving the house and can be done at our own pace, so usually when I do go out I do have to bring him along too unless DH is WFH that day.

The errands just never seem to pan out where they're together. But I would much prefer that if they could be knocked out in one day!

Noise cancelling headphones

I feel the same although I work FT and I’m a single parent.

What I’ve been trying to do is do everything in the evenings after work - shopping, cleaning, cooking, life admin etc - to leave as little as possible on the weekends.

Then on the weekends I try and have one day where I do something social like see family and friends, then the other day alternate between going out and doing something sbd then having a really lazy day.

I am going to try and learn how to meal plan/batch cook properly and then order shopping online to try and reduce the load even more.

They sounds like a really good idea. I do usually try and leave a Saturday free but with my fibromyalgia I need more than one of those days a week, more days of "if I have the energy I can go out if I choose but I don't HAVE to if I'm struggling".

Read atomic habits. build structure, routine and consistency. automate as much as possible

declutter and simplify your life

AI

stop overcommitting- know your limits and stay within them.

learn what can be delayed/delgated. Does that parcel need to be returned right away? Can you eke out another dinner with what you have instead of going to the shops?

May I ask you about how you manage fostering? Many years ago there was a Mumsnetter who really inspired me to consider it.
I am a solo parent of a flexi schooled child with ASD and reading your thread has made me wonder if it might not be totally unrealistic for me.

Re your actual reason for your thread I listened to an interesting podcast by Dan K White where she was talking to someone about decluttering their calendar. Very different circumstances but a fascinating approach to getting time back. Hope the link works 🤞🏼

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KMaH7E_E-6M

Thank you, is atomic habits good for creating a quieter life? I'm a big reader so I'll definitely add that to my list!

Oh thank you I will give that a listen today! Also, are you me? Lol, very similar circumstances.

So fostering we began 5 years ago when I still worked full time, they're very good at letting you decide what placements work for you/your family (I mean blatantly because they're desperate for any help whatsoever), so we only took school age children at first so as to fit in with our work schedules, mostly longer term placements as less social work visits, less change of routines, then I gave up work and now we do respite placements and can do younger ones who aren't in school yet due to my son only flexi-schooling. It's just whatever suits us tbh, we try to help where we can and when we can't we accept that we can't.

To be honest I currently feel like how did I ever manage to do everything when I did work outside the home? (Also thank you kindly for wording it this way and recognising that, it surprisingly made me feel so lovely).

I find the less I HAVE to do something the more I do at home because I "potter" around and I take my time with chores and feel less stressed. If I have lots of outside tasks then I have no energy left for the house work and then I feel rubbish because the house isn't looking great.

@Realisation14

YES! it is.

just creating routines and systems and good habits has reduced the stress and overwhelm so much. And I have so much more time and emotional bandwidth for my family. It also helps calm the children too. It gives them the consistency and predictability they need.

just do things bit by bit. It takes a long time but it’s a journey of constant improvement. But once you get started with it you’ll be hooked. I’m 2 years in and still got lots of areas of improvement but I’m in such a better place.

it’s worth a try and the £10 for the book.

Thank you, I will 100% buy this.

You can get atomic habits for free from the library

What kind of things are you doing outside of the house? Can you give us a typical day where you end up knackered?
pretty sure there will be some things that a third party perspective will find a simple solution for. I find that when I am super busy I am not actually thinking clearly. So then it gets to 5pm and I’m flapping around trying to think of dinner etc. If I spent 20 minutes on a Sunday meal planning it would save so much angst!

@Nobumsonthetable yesterday for example I needed to go to the post office, when I got into the car the sensors let me know the tyre pressure was low so that meant I had to add on a trip to the garage, then husband texted to say we need the gas topped up (we have an outside meter) thinking he was being helpful that I was already out and about but did I have the top up card with me? No, so I had to go home collect that and then go back out to the local newsagent to top up the gas. So I only had the energy for the post office trip but then ended up adding in two other errands which exhausted me.

Sunday we needed to go to the range for Christmas shopping but whilst out my DH says oh we need to go to Argos to pick up a click n collect, he'd ordered an electric knife for Christmas meat but didn't want to pay £5 delivery fee since Argos is 10 mins drive from our house but he doesn't drive! I'm the only driver.

Those are just examples but it's something like that every day, I probably have only 1 day per week that I don't go out and I'd prefer probably 3 days per week of not needing to leave the house.

Ok so yesterday you could feasibly have said, cool thanks for the reminder DH, can you do the gas tonight?
Tyres you can do at home with one of those automatic pumps. Takes 5 mins.
Saturday - PLAN your day. Before you go out say to everyone, ok the plan is to go to the Range, does anyone else have anything they need to do? As I will need to be home with my feet up by 1pm and I’m not going out again…kind of thing.
Put your foot down, nicely but clearly.

I hate leaving my house and work remotely so rarely need to. And I don't have any health conditions but I'm good at finding the easiest way to do things so I'm happy to share what works for me.

My suggestions on the items you just mentioned:

I never go to the post office. They will collect a parcel for 30p and bring a barcoded label, it's AMAZING! send.royalmail.com/

The tyre pressure I'd delegate to your husband, ditto gas. Or I'd get a mobile mechanic to come to me, you can get collections for MOTs as well with some garages.

Your Christmas shopping and most shopping could be done online. I never go to the actual shops as I hate them. If items need returning see above for postage.

All bills are paid online via direct debit. Groceries are all delivered.

Also, I recommend you say no to anything you don't feel like doing. Just say "I can't" - you don't need to explain. Also reconsider fostering, it's a massive commitment.

Mute any Whatsapp conversations that are busy and put your phone on silent when you need uninterrupted time.

I also use an app called to do and every time something needs doing it goes on this list. I can honestly only say I leave my house for medical appointments, hair appointments and things I really want to do (meals in restaurants, seeing friends, nice stuff).

www.microsoft.com/en-gb/microsoft-365/microsoft-to-do-list-app

I would say that fostering is probably the most important thing that the OP does!

Yes, it is 'a massive commitment', but she is blinking wonderful for doing it. 😍

My tips would be:

Dissuade your DH from adding jobs to your list, unless he has told you in advance. So he saved £5 with click and collect the Argos item, but you had to drive there, use petrol, park, go in, queue... Great for him, but he has just put the hassle straight onto you. Could this item not have been bought from somewhere else, or waited until you have other Argos items to buy?

Even though you are not working, your time has value too - even if you just divide the too-low fostering allowance by the number of hours in a day, it still has a value.

I don't meal plan precisely but have a rough rotation of meals that might fit in on particular days.

I try to do errands in one block, around school runs. Parcels I save up and try to do a few at once.

I use my oven timer most days so decide what I am having for supper during the afternoon and set the timer accordingly.

Organising particular areas of your home can really help. I recently did a big clear out of my toiletries and reorganised several drawers using clear draw-divider nests, so that each divider holds just one or max two items. I can literally lay my hand on things in the dark now, as I know that my hairbrush is exactly in spot X. This has made everything so much easier in the mornings.

Establish a rhythm to your days at home, so you feel rooted and certain in what you are doing at any one time.

It was just some Christmas cards that needed posting so I don't think they'd come collect letters/cards right?

My husband doesn't drive so he can't take the car to the petrol station to sort the tyres, the at home pump is it physical pumping action?

I don't think I will reconsider fostering as of yet, we've been doing it for 5 years and it's a big part of our lives and although it can be stressy of course, it's something we all enjoy as a family.

I frequently do silent phone and also putting the phone away altogether too especially in the evenings and weekends, it's definitely a game changer!

Something like this OP:
https://www.halfords.com/tools/garage-equipment/tyre-inflators-and-pressure-gauges/michelin-programmable-inflator-with-quick-release-valve-814518.html?stockInventory=undefined&_gl=119c9a1q_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=Cj0KCQiAxonKBhC1ARIsAIHq_lvmMPuvtmuSwixasXvEMCxb91-gbqL-q8OFURGCqj2b71FxOw5jnkMaAnRVEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.did

I'm a bit jealous that your son with ASD copes with the fostering....particularly respite; all the change and unexpectedness of it would make it very difficult for my ASD child to cope with.

Good post OP...I'm taking note! I'm a SAHM/carer for my sons but hoping to get life running smoothly enough to re-enter the workforce at some point in 2026 🙏🤞

He copes about 90% of the time and mostly enjoys it, of course there are clashes like normal children/siblings but I think it's actually taught him A LOT of his social skills which he used to really struggle with.

Good luck with re-entering the work force goal for this year!