Desperately struggling with colleague. Can you relate and advise please?

[Pottersciderbar82]

I’ve posted about this before but it’s getting so much worse and I’m struggling to cope.

This colleague is lovely, helpful, kind, thoughtful and will do anything for anyone.

Extremely detail oriented, when looking at something is completely emerged and cannot be reached verbally or otherwise, switches off to anything outside. When this happens mid conversation, it’s very very difficult, I end up saying that I’ll leave them to it and leaving the conversation. Otherwise I’m sat in silence watching them trying to find the email sent 7 months ago with the finer details of the point they are trying to make.

They challenge everything I say. Even the simple, nothingness. If I say it’s raining, they say well, no that’s not quite right, it’s mildly spitting so not actually raining… that kind of thing.

Looking in my diary asking me about my meetings, stating that I am not using my time efficiently.
They tell me, in detail what I should say to people, how I should write emails.
Give me advice when it’s not asked for.
The biggest thing is the interrupting. They do this with everyone, interrupt, railroad, dominate meetings, take over.

I can’t avoid as we have to work closely.

Coping strategies or tips if you have had something similar would be really great, Thankyou.

Don’t take the bait. Their quirks are not worth your energy. If they question your meetings/ emails etc, say “what is your goal with this conversation in relation to your role?”. Whatever they reply, you can then say “I need to focus on other tasks but I’ll let you know if I need any input”. Rinse and repeat

Is this person older than you and been there years? Sounds like they might be but I could be wrong. If using an online calendar can you change what she is able to view so she can only see that you are busy but not the details? How does she know what emails you need to send? I think that you're going to have to firmly and politely tell her to keep her beak out and just keep reiterating it.

People who tell you EXACTLY what to say and write. | Mumsnet
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Have you tried just having an up front, honest conversation with her? You’ve said she’s lovely, helpful and kind - I’d assume that she’d also be receptive to you asking if she’d work on better ways to communicate with you.

I’m worried that it’s a me problem, not her.

She genuinely is lovely and I wouldn’t want to ever upset or offend her so I want to find ways for me to manage my reactions to her communication style.l

Surely there is a tried and tested way of being kind and thoughtful with my actions towards her way.

Speak to someone else at your company to seek their advice. As nice as she is, she is oppressing you. She needs to be aware that she is causing you discomfort. If she is as nice as you say she is, she will want to fix it.

Does your colleague do this to other people? Or only you?

Do you have a line manager? I would mention it to them that your colleague is overstepping and it is impacting your work.

Is she autistic?

Don't take the challenges personally. It's not about you but being accurate/seeing things differently to you

"Thanks Susan, but I prefer to do it this way". "I'm happy to get on with this now and Manager is pleased with my work". "I've got a lot to get on with so I'm going to get started".

When you say the colleague is helpful and will do anything for anyone - do they do things that are helpful to you - that you have asked them to do or are genuinely helpful? Or were they helpful at the start but now need to back off?

"I've got this, thanks Susan. I need to stand on my own 2 feet now and do things my way".

Do you both have the same manager? What has your Manager said about it? Surely if they are spending so long being "helpful" and stalking other people's calendars they aren't being productive in their own role?

Looking at your previous thread linked by a pp, you need to stop asking her things or telling her about issues. Just make some space.

Also, be upfront - say I’m not looking for advice, just to vent.

Looking at your other thread. Why are you actively engaging with her when you know what the outcome is going to be to start with?

have a watered down reply ready if she asks about meetings or engagements and keep it all very simple.
as long as you are getting your work done and your manager is happy with your work there is no need to involve your colleague.

Yes of course she is. This is Mumsnet. Everyone is neurodiverse. No one is allowed to be just an irritating so and so.

She is very likely ND. ND communication is often bottom up, very detailed, very particular where as NT is top down, bigger picture more general.

There is a tendency in ND communication to ask for very specific information and to want a lot of clarity that can be frustrating to NT people.

There can also be a tendency for them to see their version of reality being the “absolute truth” and can be quite blunt in speaking “their truth”. You see an awful lot of online ND people lauding this behaviour as being superior to NT behaviour because the ones who elevate this behaviour just do not seem to understand the fact that they, the same as everyone, filter information through their own sensory experience and perception meaning of course there is never a single reality in any human interaction.

Of course if there isn’t a single truth and a discussion ensues you likely come up against the other challenge of the rigidity of the condition.

I think your best bet is to communicate via email often ND people are excellent over email where communication tends to be much clearer and less implied.

Is she senior to you in the company structure? If not, she shouldn't be giving you instructions and performance managing you. When she starts, you need to politely stop her and ask her to stop. The hyper focus and extreme detail orientation combined with the lack of social nuance sound like neurodivergence to me, so consider approaching her from that perspective: if she's autistic she will probably respond well to direct communication and not understand at all if you're trying to politely hint.

What OP has described sounds very typical ND behaviour. Unfortunately some ND traits can be irritating in the extreme to NT people (and vice versa).

She's micromanaging, probably to justify her existance.

From what you are saying, it seems like you have no autonomy and what can be a nightmare as well as extremly stressfull and counter-productive.

I suggest you inform HR as its leading to you becoming stressed and harassed.

Contact HR asap, she needs to back off and only ask for updates at a time which suits her colleagues and not just herself.

This colleague is lovely, helpful, kind, thoughtful and will do anything for anyone.

What makes you say that? Interrupting, nit picking, railroading sounds unhelpful and thoughtless and anything but lovely. She needs to get some self awareness.

You can be ND and not a twat. You can be a twat and not ND. ND people do have personalities outside of their neurodiversity just like NT people do 🙄

Can you block her from access to your diary? You should definitely tell her that if you need advice about how to write your emails you will ask for it. As for meetings, can you get together with whoever is sharing them about keeping strictly to a timed agenda, and shutting down time wasters and people who dominate meetings without giving everyone a chance to contribute?

I think I would read up on autistic and adhd traits and try to understand her as a way of realising she’s not being nasty it’s just how she is. The correctly you is likely because she is quite literal and sees the world in black and white - it’s raining? If it’s not technically raining she is just describing what it is doing. The impulse interrupting? An adhd trait as the person has so much in their head what’s on their mind pops out.

my son is very literal and it does drive me mad as he comes across as rude but without meaning to - so whenever he says something I take a breath to assess is he being literal.

my suggestion is to make a list of the things that annoy you and target them one at a time - with the thing that annoys you the most the first thing. Like say to her “you look like you have something else on your mind I’ll come back later”

So true, must be ND this seems to be the answer just as 'have a spa day' used to fix all the problems on planet MN🙄
People can be absolute pitas or twats, it is allowed.

I would immediately cut access to my diary.
If the searching for an email to prove a point is in a meeting - end the meeting and tell her to make a new meeting when she has all the relevant info.

Telling you how to do things that you already know how to do? look her in the eye. Make sure she is looking back. "i know what i am doing, if you carry on this meeting is finished/I am going to walk away"

on repeat

for non-work related? you can ignore or ask why she has to nitpick everything you say. That will depend on you (i'm a grumpy bugger, i would tell them to pack it in)

That might be so, BUT not every third person refered to on MN is.

I was thinking the same actually, she sounds like she may have autism.

Just own it and be yourself. When she says you should do this and that to maximise your use of time, I would say ‘Ha! Oh god no Susan, that is so not me. I’m more of a last minute kinda gal, it’s just the way I work. Isn’t it funny that we all have our different ways of doing things?

If she continues, I would say ‘We’ve all got our different ways Susan.’ And keep wheeling out that line.