Tips to regain driving confidence

[Femalefootyfan]

I’ve driven for just over 40 years and while I’ve never been the most confident driver, I’ve always felt quite comfortable driving.

Over the last year or so though, I’ve lost confidence in my ability to drive further than locally or up to distances of about 25 miles from home. This lack of confidence is beginning to become a problem and is affecting where I go and when.

Does anyone have any tips to help me regain some confidence to drive further away, say 100 miles or so, so that I am not reliant on my DH to drive me or for him to drive all the time?

Hi, OP. Do you know what caused you to lose the confidence? Once that's established, you'll be able to take steps to regain it.

@YorkshireGoldDrinker beat me to it. Get back to the why would be helpful.

After an accident that was not my fault and totalled my car, I became hyper vigilant when driving, hoping to avoid what happened before. The accident happened because the other driver, in a stolen car, was off his face - nothing I could have done to change anything.

Being so careful is not good for driving well and it took a long time to get back to the relaxed but attentive mode necessary for good, confident driving, but knowing why I was doing what I was doing helped a lot.

Good luck, OP.

No accidents since my car was rear ended 6 years ago, it’s not that. The lack of confidence has been over the last 18 months or so.

I think I’ve just become too reliant on my DH driving everywhere since he retired and our parents are between 120 and 200 miles away so whereas I used to drive to my DM’s during the week when he was working, now we combine visits to both of our parents over a few days.

I honestly can’t think of a specific reason for losing confidence, I just get anxious at the thought of using A roads and motorways for a 2+ hour drive. I detest driving in the dark, which is a new problem but on occasion I have had to do a short-ish drive, which I can just about cope with.

It’s a horrible feeling, losing confidence in something I used to have no problem doing but I will think hard about what might have contributed to this as you’ve both suggested, thank you.

Next trip plan to share the driving with DH - you drive 50 miles or so, then he drives?

Is he OK as a passenger?

Not what you want to hear, but driving more frequently is the answer. DH decided he didn't like driving any more so he stopped. On the rare occasion he drove it was obvious he didn't drive often enough to stay confident. The last time he drove he nearly knocked a pedestrian down on a zebra crossing. He realised he was no longer a safe driver so we sold one of the cars and are now a single car family with me being the only driver.

Do I resent this? Hell, yes, but as he isn't safe to drive I just suck it up. I often wish he hadn't been so silly about driving, but I can't turn the clock back. We don't have great public transport where we live, so owning a car is pretty important.

Are you retired, or have you had other life changes which means you are generally experiencing less challenges in life?

This driving issue has happened to quite a few of my older relatives, around about when they retired. They seem to have breathed a sigh of relief at escaping the stresses of work and felt that they could do what they liked now and not have to do stressful/challenging things again. I am guessing now, but I'm willing to bet this attitude translated over into driving - "I don't feel up to driving that long distance today so I'll just ask DH/get the bus," and before they know it that long distance seems a bit challenging. One of my relatives is now self-limited to about 10 miles, and as we live rurally this has made her world quite small. On the other hand, the relatives who took up volunteering when they retired, and learned how to build their own shed, etc, are still zipping up and down the country. They seem unfazed by challenges, just as a younger person still in work would be.

I may be way off the mark with this so I'm sorry if I am! But if there is any truth in it, I would start looking for challenges in life and don't just flop into retirement. Driving is just one challenge. What else do you fancy...

He’s not a great passenger to be honest, he gets a bit frustrated when I don’t, for example, go forward as quickly on a roundabout as he would. He used to commute hundreds of miles a week when he worked so although he’s calmed down somewhat now, he’s a more aggressive driver than I have ever been.

I think sharing a longer drive would be a good idea, we’ve got one coming up later this month so that would be a good start to try to regain some confidence, thanks for the suggestions

Making yourself an exposure ladder and gradually stretching back out your comfort zone would be one way to go.

So you make a ladder of things that are gradually more daunting working towards your ultimate goal which currently feels out of reach.

Start with something that feels uncomfortable/daunting but manageable and then repeat that until it doesn't make you worried anymore. Once you reach that point you're ready to move up the ladder to something more stretching that makes you feel uncomfortable/worried but manageable and repeat that etc.

It's effectively positive reinforcement that you can do the thing you're worried about. Our brains learn negatives instantly but take time to learn positives, which is why it's important to do it gradually. If you try and leap straight to the most daunting driving activity, you're more likely to feel out of control and have a negative experience which will just keep the cycle going.

Maybe you could start with picking a destination 30-35 miles from home and driving there and back. Possibly with DH in the car as a passenger the first time if that would give reassurance but then work towards that journey on your own. If you can pick a destination where you get to do something nice before you come home that will help.

With night driving you could have a separate ladder eg maybe start with a local drive on an evening with good conditions and DH in the car then gradually work up to longer trips without him.

The first ladder step should be just out of your comfort zone. This only works if you are targeting activities that make you feel a bit worried/daunted but where the feeling is manageable. If it feels completely terrifying it will set you back, and if it feels completely comfortable it won't move you forward.

This is an example of how to use an exposure ladder for social anxiety but you can just swap it out for driving. I have seen driving examples before but cannot find them right now.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Mental-Health-Professionals/Social-Anxiety/Social-Anxiety---Information-Sheets/Social-Anxiety-Information-Sheet---11---Situational-Exposure.pdf

https://global.oup.com/us/companion.websites/fdscontent/uscompanion/us/pdf/treatments/protected/hierarchyex.pdf

Driving fear hierarchy. You'd then use this as the basis for your ladder.

Due to injuries and then surgery, I had almost three years of not being able to drive. I was desperate to get back behind the wheel the whole time. But when I could start again, I was a wreck about it. I think there are really two options: just face your fears and do it, or take a couple of lessons on the type of roads you’re worried about. The latter has the added advantage of giving you tips about the current Highway Code etc which is no bad thing.

Thanks for the link @tumbletoast, I’ll have a good read later.

I retired six years ago and have had to navigate an unfamiliar area as we moved house too, to a completely different part of the country. I was actually ok with this, we also have a decent bus service to get us to our nearest cities, which we use much more often than driving, mainly due to the extortionate parking charges.

I have taken on a few new things recently that have been out of my comfort zone and I’ve coped better than I thought so I will look to extend that to a few more. I’m aware my life could easily become smaller and more insular if I let it, which is why I need to tackle the driving thing. I’m only 61 so hopefully have many years left yet to expand my reach into different things to try.

I have taken on a few new things recently that have been out of my comfort zone and I’ve coped better than I thought so I will look to extend that to a few more.

That's great. You might find that you start to build momentum and that your growing confidence in one situation, or with one challenge, starts to transfer to other aspects of your life.

I thought I’d update this thread to say that I actually did the drive I’ve been avoiding.

On the drive to my destination, I had my sat nav running and it did take me on a slightly different route than I’ve used before but it was fine although it was raining for most of the drive but obviously nothing I could do to change that.

I mapped a slightly different route home to avoid a particular stress point and actually found myself in an even worse one due to a road closure, however, I coped and got on with it, I had to as no option to turn around to find another route.

Thanks to those who gave me tips, they really helped 😊

Well done @Femalefootyfan

Sat navs are good for redirecting due to road closures. This is why I use mine for any long journey even if I know the way.

Well done! That sounds like you did great at managing multiple bonus challenges!