How do you react when your child doesn’t do what you expect?

[rickyrickygrimes]

My 17 yr old wants to drop out of uni to join the army. This is not what I expected for him.

Has your child ever done something you really did not expect and how did you react? Supportive? Angry? Disappointed but able to hide it? I’m not quite sure how to react - I was such a good girl and always tried to live up to my parents expectations of me. I didn’t want to be like that as a parent (their expectations always felt like a burden) but here we are 🤷‍♀️.

You can only be supportive - it's his life and he is nearly an adult. Just because you wanted your parents' approval, doesn't mean your son should want yours as much and l mean that kindly but being a people pleaser isn't always good!

I haven’t been in this position but I think my approach would be to try to understand why, what had driven the decision, maybe there are some good reasons behind it or of not, maybe it would help him to talk it through.

(Whilst keeping my views to myself as much as I could manage).

I would never have been able to live up to my parents' expectations of me, so from that perspective, let him do what he wants.

Oh op I would personally hate that and not want that life for them either. I know lots of people do really well and it can look like lots of different things but I would hate it.

I think firstly you need to understand their logic and reasoning, to know if they've researched it, where they've got information from, what alternatives they've looked into, how informed are they on the negatives etc and to try and do that from a neutral place so they don't feel attacked or defensive. I'd want to know if they're struggling at uni and try to understand that more and see if there's support available they aren't getting or if they need to change course etc. I think once you've worked through all that and their reasoning is sound and they've really done their due diligence, then it becomes much harder to say no. Its their life at the end of the day and they have to feel fulfilled in it. I think you find others you can vent to and try to support as much as you can.

We have talked it through. I’m not completely opposed to the idea, I.just really hoped he’d get a degree under his belt first. He’s clever, but also restless. I do think he’s underestimating how tough the army will be, but the only way to really know is to try, right 🤷‍♀️?

It feels utterly alien to me as we don’t have any family and only a few friends who have been in the services. But if I can ignore the killing people / being killed bit, he’s probably well suited to it. He’s very sporty, can stand up for himself, mostly sensible and a good leader, and he is bored bored bored at being stuck behind a desk. He had told us this for years. He’s clever enough for uni but for him it’s just more school…🤦‍♀️

Has he joined the OTC at uni? Was he previously in the cadets? What does he know about the army? Has he spoken to army recruitment? They might advise him to stay at university. Depends on whether he wishes to be an officer or not.
I would definitely support, but would want to know his motives and help him to explore everything about what it entails.

17 is young to be at uni. Are you in Scotland?

Would taking the rest of this year out and restarting next year (if uni will allow it) make a difference? He’ll grow up a lot in that time.

He could consider joining the OTC to get a bit more insight into what he’s considering.

If not, his much research has he done into what he’s considering?

You are allowing your own history to interfere here. Make it clear to him it is his decision and you will support him but set out the reasons you don't think it's a good idea. In other words try to persuade him not to do it but accept he might do it anyway and support him.

That’s a very brave decision by him

Be supportive. Crapita are still responsible for recruitment so he is unlikely to go within the year.

Get him to stay in education as a plan b until he has his joining date.

100% If I could do it again I would have not gone to university and I would have gone to the military instead.

We aren’t in the UK, but he’s British.

Uni here is a bit lower investment - virtually free, but less student life, and he has stayed local / at home, which is also normal here. He is young - year groups are divided by the calendar year here, so he’s always been one of the youngest in his class. He’ll be 18 just before the New Year.

he has watched a lot of YouTube videos, interviews with soldiers, done a lot of research online. We’re back in the UK at Christmas so will take him to a local recruiting centre 🙄. He equates officer with desk job atm so says he isn’t interested. It will be interesting to see if the recruiting officer advises him to complete uni, then apply as an officer. I did pop in myself during a previous trip, and the feed back seemed to be if he’s clever enough for uni, then of course he’d apply as an officer 🤷‍♀️

I think he’s partly informed and partly kidding himself. He’s also very into fitness and sees this as a way to make a career of that interest I think. But he’s never liked ‘roughing it’, I think the idea appeals and the physical reality is going to be a shock. But that’s always the way, right?

my sister and I are educated to PhD level. Neither of us have gone on to have studying satisfying careers: I think we spent far too long trying to meet our parents expectations to work out what we actually wanted to do 🤷‍♀️

Could he not combine the 2. There are degrees apprenticeships in the army.

Nothing wrong with being honest and saying that they have surprised you and you'd like a day or so to have a think about it before sitting down and having an open and honest conversation about it. Big decisions don't need immediate answers.

I would be heartbroken if my child chose to join the army. I don’t think you can/should stop him though, if that’s what he wants to do it is his path to choose

100% Supportive. My son was not academic and he did a vocational qualification rather than A levels (unfortunately during the pandemic which is a whole other issue). I did have to wrap my head around that as my whole family all have post grad degrees and I just thought he would go to uni, but I did recognise it wasn’t for him and supported him as much as I could. Helped him research and visit colleges etc.
My much more academic DD was originally going to do a degree in animation - so round the unis we went, driving from London to Falmouth and staying overnight and so on. Then she gets her A level results and with three A*s decides maybe an academic degree would be an idea. So repeat of before travelling up to Scotland, to Durham etc all over night stays. But I was as enthusiastic about her doing an art degree as I was doing an academic one.
By the way the army can be fantastic - they get a skill and it could be the making of him.