How to respond to message from my abusers mum

[Georock]

I was SA when I was around 8 and I don’t know how long it went on for but I think maybe 2 - 2.5 years. I told my family when I was in my 20’s and when my nieces were born so to protect them I told them. The abuser is my older male cousin.

My aunty was a complete bitch when she found out and was spiteful such as on my wedding ignored me and would tell anyone who would listen that I make up stories and I’m crazy. Cousin admitted everything. Aunty and her daughter made sure they had control over my actions by telling me no court would convict him as he was 17 at the time, he would have been around 18/19 when it stopped and I think it did stop when he went away to uni.

anyway that’s the background. I haven’t spoken to her much since just exchanged pleasantries when I would see her. she must have got my number from my mum or sisters she messaged me today and was all light and breezy and invited me to her younger son (not abuser) and his wife’s gender reveal party! I was in work so I didn’t respond and felt really sick. I’ve deleted the message as don’t want see it so I don’t have her number anymore. My sisters are all messaging me and I know they will be attending as they have gone to all other events, I’m not responding to them and have turned my phone into DND. I feel so upset and alone. Did I do right by ignoring? What would you say?

sorry for all my typos. I’ve tried to correct most

Your instincts are absolutely right, so listen to them! You’ve put these people behind you and you were right to do so. Block them, and don’t feel guilty.

I believe you have done the best thing. How can you find the strength to be nice in the face of this? You can't. So good for you just deleting it. It's the perfect response.

I believe the situation you describe is very common. Denial in families is huge.

How do you feel about your sisters' interaction with wider family. Do they know 💐

I’d tell her to get to fuck to be honest!

I don't think I would say anything to your aunt.
She was in denial when she first found out That her son is a rapist, she never took accountability for that even when your cousin did admit it. She tried to blame the victim by telling you that nobody would ever believe you, and if you went to the police that they wouldn't do anything, so she was gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you by adding threat to your grief.

You've managed all these years without her. Since receiving this message you've blocked her number, deleted the message and put your phone on DND?
But you wish that your sisters would show more solidarity?
That they seem happy enough to go to their other cousins child's gender reveal and don't realize how much it would hurt you that your associating with that branch of the family after what he and she did?
Yeah I can see how you'd feel betrayed by your sister, and shocked by your aunt's message.

Maybe just tell your sisters that I want nothing to do with that end of the family don't tell me about them, anything about them. I don't want to hear about children I don't want to hear about names I don't want to hear about babies I don't want to hear about marriages I don't want to hear about any of it. Don't tell me how auntie was, don't tell me anything. I don't want to hear a single word of it.

You have to protect yourself And it must be very jarring to have all of a sudden them come back into your life after all this quiet

I’m sorry this happened to you. You totally right to ignore her and block her out of life. You do not need to have anything to do with her.

Thank you all. My sisters are not loyal and they’ve told me in past they won’t stop talking to them as they are family. It’s basically 2 brothers married 2 sisters so my Aunt my mums sister and uncle is my dad’s brother. So all the family on my mums and dads side we share with them. I’m not making sense sorry but I’m trying to say my sisters have made it clear they won’t stop talking to them. I know they all have regular meet ups with my abuser and his brother and sister. I’ll be honest I hate saying this but I feel so lonely and I feel I miss out. Obviously I won’t ever get in touch but I feel lonely and my kids don’t see my family much,

Contact a solicitor about non-recent abuse. It will help you feel like you've taken control back from them.

I’d personally contact the police and tell them everything that happened and cut off every single family member as to not support a young child who’s been abused by her cousin and not go to the police on her behalf and carry on having a relationship with these disgusting people?!!! And by do you want a relationship with any of them ever again?!! Your cousin will have done it to other people too or will in the future as he’s been allowed to get away with it and having been there I couldn’t live with my conscience of that happening to other people and felt a lot better once I went to the police and they charged him

Oh my @Georock
Block your aunt.
Did you ever get it to court ?
How have your parents been towards him and your awful aunt ?
It’s not fair on his siblings if they are totally innocent and did not deny it had happened.

This sort of thing happens in families. I understand somewhat as I am one breaking away from the toxic family dynamic myself.

I have a parent who enables and favours an abusive sibling. I am now treated like the problem for saying I can't accept abusive behavior from that person anymore - including ongoing emotional abuse from the enabling parent.

When you start to break away, you are made to be the problem. Although we know you are brave and courageous and breaking away from a toxic family system is a huge task.

I would seek solace support and validation away from the family. DV helplines? Counselling helplines? Face to face counseling?

Could you consider this. You need support against these horrible family dynamics. It is so isolating to be a victim and made to seem the problem 💐 You are not the problem.

This whole thing is so disturbing and I csn imagine it feels like you are being gaslit. 😢 Also he was an adult and you were extremely young. This is not ok at all. No way he stopped.

I would ignore them. If you get another message send a text saying this number is no longer in service.

This is awful, I’m so sorry. To experience sexual abuse and then not to be believed or taken seriously, is very traumatic. You are not in the slightest bit unreasonable to ignore. I can’t believe your family still associate with this man. Your aunt was wrong he wouldn’t be convicted because of his age. You were very brave to speak up to protect children in the family. At any time you can consider going to the police, you know. It may not be what you want and that is fine, but you are entitled and I think anyone reading this would want to see justice for you and any other children in this man’s life.

What would I say? What I would say as me or what would you feel comfortable to say? I think I’d say ‘fuck off you rapist enabler, how dare you contact me, delete my number and I never want to hear from you again’.

If that’s too much you could say ‘it’s a surprise to hear from you, and it’s unwelcome. No I won’t be coming, for obvious reasons. Please don’t contact me again.’

This is my experience too. It is so toxic and it hurts like hell. I’m completely NC with my own family and it is better for me this way.

Sorry… your parents know and believe you were abused as he admitted it all… but they still see this man? And your siblings still see this man?

Your family doesn’t deserve you. Do you have a partner or close friends? It’s time to make your own family.

And please reach out to an abuse survivor charity, get some help to process it all and to process your family’s response. And please consider going to the police. He’s admitted it. Take your control back.

With regards to taking control back - OP must protect herself and well being. Entire families can gang up on the one speaking out and could heighten abusive behavior of she goes further speaking out.

OP needs to protect her safety and well being first in case that happens. Building support outside the family, disconnecting from any reliance, including financial reliance is important.

It takes planning and preparation to then go the next step further to look at prosecution. OP needs to be in the best place. Counselling and advocacy sounds like a perfect starting place.

I would be careful with your sisters. You can't trust them sadly in family systems like this.

I totally agree with this.
They should stand with you on this so go with those great instincts of yours and do something lovely for yourself on the day.

It is sad that you are distanced from your family because of the actions of a sex offender. Know this; they are wrong, you have a right to be angry, to feel very let down by them. The realisation may hit them later and I also believe that your cousin may offend again, let it all play out far away from you, keep an open door in case they change, but don't count on it. You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and essentially build a new family. Do it.

Thank you all, I feel so broken that I do t actually have any friends. Yes I have people I go to coffee with and have a play date with kids here and now but I don’t genuinely have one friend. I feel people in work are very gossipy. I confided in one woman in work about my struggles and later found out she shared this information with others.

Just block her number , dint reply , don't engage.