He cheated years ago, it seems to have permanently destroyed my self esteem?

[Medicaladvice]

My DH ‘cheated’ many years ago. I don’t think I will ever know the full extent of it, I know of some things for sure and other parts are denied by him and I never got the full picture.

My decision to stay with him was because I didn’t have solid proof of sex with another woman so in the end I decided to see how things went…

Any way, we are many years on now with 3 children and we have built a life together. BUT, it seems that my self esteem/confidence has been permanently knocked, as has the trust (but this comes and goes in waves and I think it is very much hormone related as I can get random bouts of paranoia at certain times of the month).

Yesterday morning he had a message pop up on his phone, mine was upstairs and I wanted to see the time so I tapped the screen on his phone to check and saw a whatsapp message from a woman in a bikini (her picture was showing, I didn’t unlock the phone or read the message). His work means he has a lot of different customers on a daily basis and a lot of them communicate with him via his personal number/whatsapp. But I felt so low all day yesterday after seeing it… I put all my focus into how I can make myself look better (googling bloody tummy tucks and all sorts). I also let my brain jump to the worst case scenario and convinced myself he was hiding something! I asked him outright, he showed me the message and it was a customer. So yeah, embarrassing.

What do I actually need to do in order to improve my trust, my confidence and my self esteem?

WTAF?

Who on earth uses a photo of herself in a bikini to send business messages? How very peculiar.
Perhaps you need to speak to your GP about your hormone levels.

He’s cheating. No one uses a photo in a bikini for business. Don’t be naive.

He’s cheating. Don’t waste your time on googling tummy tucks; look up divorce instead . Sorry OP.

Your self esteem is low because you know he's a lying cheating scumbag and you've chosen to stay with him despite deep down you know you deserve better. The longer you stay the worse you will feel about yourself.

If he’s a tradesperson who uses WhatsApp to communicate with customers - it’s plausible the customers would have random selfies / photos as their profile, including bikinis etc.

However - you stayed for the wrong reasons imo, surely you stay because you want to - not because you have no definitive proof to go? You can’t force trust, it comes naturally. Your confidence and self esteem need to be linked to things you control, not based on other people or their appearance.

thr op seen the message and it was a customer message she says, so as much as the bikini is odd people shouldn’t stick the boot in saying he’s cheating on scant evidence.

op, did you really stay as you didn’t have solid proof of sex, it’s clear you knew he was cheating, I’m wondering if you’re maybe kidding yourself as to why you stayed.

its been a very long time, you obviously stayed for your own reasons, and I suspect will still stay even if he’s cheating now. And I assume he knows that.

if he is cheating it’s not because of your appearance, it’s for other reasons, the excitement, as he’s a piece of shit, he doesn’t rescpect you enough to stay faithful, he puts him first. Those kind of reasons. None of them good, but it’s not your stomach or what you look like.

If he cheated, it's not because of how you look, it's because he's a cheater. Some of the most beautiful women in the world have had cheating husbands, think Princess Di..

It is him and what he did that is making you feel so bad about yourself, and you'll continue feeling bad until you get rid of him.

She’s not going to do that, she will stay whatever. If anyone ends this relationship it will only be him sadly. And she’s not asking what she should do. She just wants to make herself more attractive, so he picks her.

she’s doing the pick me dance, right now.

You didn't need anymore proof of his cheating beyond having genuine cause not to trust him. Sad to say, he's taken his second chance as the green light to continue behaving inappropriately. If you don't value yourself, no one else will. Get some counselling to help you see what's staring you in the face, then dump the sleazebag.

He is indeed a tradesman and uses his personal number as his main number. It was a completely innocent message, a quick question, a thumbs up at his response and conversation over. Nothing to it at all - just that I happened to see her picture and got into a state (again though, my hormones are currently a mess and I seem to be super emotional over everything at the moment).

My description of situation in the past does probably need context - it was only messages I found. I actually don’t think he did physically cheat - I had enough trust at the time to believe that but accept I won’t ever know for sure. We were also very young, teenagers.

I just hate that my mind can jump so fast and then I come down so hard on myself. I truly think I need some therapy to talk out my hang ups…

There is no proof he is cheating now?

I find it very strange that you regard " only messages" as acceptable.

He is your H and he took vows to you. You presumably have a monogamous marriage. And yet you don't regard him having a relationship with another woman as cheating because as far as you know it didn't progress to a physical relationship?

He must know he can get away with practically anything if your boundaries are so weak OP.

I think you've misunderstood (or I have). The woman who sent the message has a photo of herself in a bikini as her WhatsApp profile pic. Not something I would do but not unbelievable.

This is very unkind. Her husband was messaging another woman, yes. It may or may not have progressed to a physical relationship but either way the OP decided to forgive him and stay in the marriage. She also says that this was many years ago. Berating her for her choices is unfair. She's entitled to try tried to save the marriage if that's what she wanted.

I wasn't berating OP.

I'm genuinely puzzled as to her definition of cheating.That she doesn't seem to regard messaging other women as cheating whereas for most people it is.

And infact for a lot of people emotional involvement with another is more hurtful or harder to deal with with than a physical affair.

People are different and draw different boundaries.

Yes they do.
But perhaps if OP had had a stronger boundary about acceptable behaviour for her H as a married man she she wouldn't have been left feeling so insecure and have such low self esteem now.
And no I'm.not victim blaming. The fault lies squarely with her H and his betrayal of OP earlier in their relationship.
He broke her trust. And it is sad that she has been so badly affected by his behaviour.