How do you get over disappointment your life hasn’t turned out the way you imagined?

[Hotchocolates953]

We have been trying for another baby for a few years and i think we have decided that we will stop. It takes over so much brain power and makes me so emotional. We have had so many losses and some very traumatic experiences.

However I need some tips on how to move on.

There must be so many situations for people where their life isn’t how they pictured, divorces, losses etc.

What I don’t want to hear is just focus on the positives as I don’t find it very helpful. It’s like telling someone who is worrying to just stop worrying.

I was thinking about some constructive actions like I might book a holiday to look forward to. Any other ways to move past this chapter and feel more human?

Find another purpose. Maybe a creative one, like art or writing or singing.
'You take your broken heart and make it into art'. I recommend it.

Honestly, I don’t think there is much more to it than focussing on the positives. And getting therapy to help you have the tools to do that. Even booking a holiday comes down to focussing on the positives (that you can afford to do so, that you have something positive coming up in the future).

The best advice I can give you is to find, read about and listen to other people whose lives haven't turned out the way they hoped. It doesn't need to be baby-related... actually, you might find it easier to deal with if it's specifically NOT baby related... but seeing other people completely re-reroute their lives can be so helpful. Also, don't feel any pressure to find a new purpose or immediately redefine yourself. Just gently bumble towards stuff you are a tiny bit interested in, and see where it takes you.

Final thing, work out what really comforts you. Whatever music, art, content, food... create a really deliberate toolbox of stuff to build yourself up.

... From another person whose life is nothing like they'd worked towards!

Honestly, I would give yourself proper time to grieve. That’s important.

It’s going to take time to settle in as your normal and you’re allowed to take that time to feel your feelings, to sit with them for a while, learn their shape, find out what is likely to catch you on a raw spot. Sometimes you will worry it like a loose tooth. Other days will be fine. This is not linear.

That doesn’t mean holding constant sorrow, but it’s ok to flinch when something catches you unexpectedly.

Take it slowly. You don’t have to run headlong into ‘getting on’, or anything. And you don’t have to hide your emotions while this is happening. Anyone that thinks you should be ‘over it’ or are ‘so lucky not to be doing [mundane childcare task]’ can get in the sea.

Anyone says ‘you can just adopt’, ditto. It might be for you, it might not. Don’t think about that now.

Anyone that asks intrusive questions about your medical history - in the sea.

You are allowed to take yourself away from those conversations and protect yourself while you are healing.

But time. That’s the key. Give yourself that gift.

I wish you all the best.

Thanks all, I do like art and I have enjoyed painting / cake decorating. I always like hobby craft. Maybe I need a visit and will just get what ever I want for once (rather than holding back)

I think you can only get to focussing on the positives and being grateful for what you DO have, once you have grieved and come to terms with what you’ve lost.

My marriage ended almost 6 years ago and one thing that surprised me was how much I grieved for the future I thought I’d have. It takes time to work through and although I’m still sad at times, I’ve reached a point where I can be thankful for my new life. It really does take time.

I don't think you should feel you have to get over the disappointment, but it's possible to put it in its own compartment and focus on making the most of the life you have, enjoying the small things, planning treats for yourself, spending time doing the things you love, with the people you love.

This is all great advice, I think.

I think grieving for the future I had planned and what I pictured is a good idea, along with all our angel babies. Far too many than anyone should ever have.

I’ve just had enough and need to start to living.

We did 'adopt' for a short while. Sadly the placement broke down. This was a few years ago now. Others get divorced, bereaved, sacked etc. Part of life is learning to live around things that cannot be changed x

Look at the high points that you do have.

I have never met a man who became a long term partner, but I have a wonderful son, a career, a lovely home. I'm incredibly lucky and I know it.

Trying for another baby, so you already have a DC? If so, I would make a list of things you, your DC and partner each want to do and do them over the next few years. Special things that maybe you wouldn’t have been able to do as soon if you had had another baby. Maybe some holiday destinations, family days out, experiences.

Listen to Elizabeth Day speaking/writing about how she has come to terms with her (primary) infertility.

My most serious relationship ended when I was 34 and I thought it was game over. I could see the future I had envisioned completely evaporate.

What I did: Took my life in a whole new direction. I emigrated at 35, by myself, knowing nobody in my adopted country. It was crazy, scary and wonderfully exhilarating all at once.

So my advice is to do something completely off-plan, something that will challenge you and give you the opportunity to surprise yourself. Best of luck.