I just want to go home

[Lifejigsaw]

I'm a mess so please excuse the rambling.
Context - I used to be a normal, adventurous person who never cried but slowly have become a anxious wreck who struggles even getting on a bus. I started medication 4 years ago and got much much better until early this year. I upped my dose in summer but it's not helping enough.Currently I'm sat upstairs in my new house bawling my eyes out. I moved a month ago and there's been so many issues with the house - rats, damp, leaks, security, boiler broke etc. All are surmountable (though the rats may never go according to pest control) but I don't feel I can cope and I hate it here. My parents came to help with the move and I wouldn't let them leave for 10 days as the idea of being alone was awful. Even now I hate going to certain parts of the house and avoid it, staying in my bedroom as much as possible. I just feel so uncomfortable in the house and want to go "home" but this is my home.I have the option of going to stay at my parents house a few hours away whenever I need to, and can work remotely, but worry this would be giving in and make things worse. But I hate it here so much and last night I spiralled quite deep into "if I don't live here where can I live instead that won't have these issues - nowhere - ok I'll move home thank god I have my parents - but one day my parents will be dead and I'll be alone - what's the point". And this is all so pathetic as so many people would kill to have a house like this but I just feel despair.What do I do?

You make specific, detailed plans about claiming the space you now have and making it your home.
Do you like candles? Pot plants? Music? Choose some and get them in the rooms!
Imagine yourself relaxing watching TV/reading a book/knitting in your new lounge.
Plan the party you will have for your birthday.

Whatever little thing you like. Imagine it or get it in your new house.

For me, the smell of coffee and baking, pot plants, cushions and loads of colour are the things that make a place mine.

I tried that, it looks and smells like home which helps, but I can't relax downstairs as I can hear the rats under the house. So I avoid going down at all - currently very hungry but won't go to the kitchen till my headphones are charged and I can wear them.

I just want to go home/to family where it feels "safe"

Have you bought or are you renting?
Personally if you can go back to your parents just go there and either sell the house or get out of the lease.
Home should make you feel safe and secure.
You don't have to stay with your parents forever but you also don't have to live in a place that's making you so unhappy.
If they are happy for you to come "home" then go.
🙂💐

I can't relax downstairs as I can hear the rats under the house.

This is a huge issue that needs to be sorted. I couldn't relax with that either. If you had no luck with one pest control company, try another. How about a cat?

The area I live in was infested with Rats a few years ago, the council was a waste of time ,a private firm came & put down lots of rat bait in roofs under floors & around gardens , since then we have not seen any signs that they have come back.

I know this isn't the point and won't fix anything right now, but... if you have owl boxes installed around your house and garden, you will have your own pest control system AND you'll absolutely love the gentle hoots and twitwoo sounds they make. I find them so reassuring at night. Another option is a Yorkshire terrier or similar, who are bred for ratting.

The rats are under the house and there's no accessibly points for them to come up or me to put poison (or a cat!) down. It's a mid terrace and had the outside checked too - no routes in so they are presumably moving up and down the street. Even though I know they can't come in, the noise is setting my teeth on edge.

But I should be able to cope with that. Instead I'm in tears and debating just leaving and never coming back because my resilience is shot. I curse my sellers for all the problems they hid from me and the survey (including filling a cupboard so full that the surveyor couldn't look in it and see the damp) but know that if I have to sell I will also have to hide this to get a buyer. And this house cost a fucking fortune so even if I sell it for the same price, I've lost £50k in moving fees/stamp duty etc.

I just wish I could rewind 6 months. Or better yet 10 years and nip the panic attacks in the bud / try to find out what has caused these issues for me as my life is getting smaller and smaller.

My mum always said the best thing she did in life was take a hit after buying and moving to a place she wanted to be. If that means home that means home. The rats need to be sorted but as someone who lived with mice even after they’re gone you’ll feel ill at ease.

Dont go home, it will make you worse, the best thing for anxiety is to deal with things head on. Whatever issue is the biggest and causing your anxiety to be the worse, tackle that first. You can do it op.

I really think you need to sort out your medication and maybe try some kind of therapy. Until you do, I don’t think these feelings of anxiety are going to change. Once you feel stronger mentally, you’ll be able to deal with the other stuff.

Can you sue the sellers for hiding facts that, if known, would have made you pull out?
High frequency plug in devices worked for me (seemed to disrupt and scatter vermin in the walls and roof)https://gear-tech.co.uk/products/plug-in-ultrasonic-rat-repellent-chemical-free-silent-covers-up-to-3200-sq-ft-for-indoor-and-outdoor-use?variant=50800930488641&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=23007677985&gbraid=0AAAAAClJAZjxoHEarqZ4uNbDDoize3kNx&gclid=Cj0KCQiAi9rJBhCYARIsALyPDts1v8C3LZcq14NBaWNB0zoFG1ObET5Ic8xGURF7_wSSe-bENWo06r4aAnSjEALw_wcB
The smell of cats will deter, some suggestions here as well:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1541130692832442/posts/4031757097103110/
Have you had your drainpipes and drains/air bricks checked for holes?

Hi OP I couldn’t read your post and not comment. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think there are some good suggestions from other people who have posted. Look at your medication as this is obviously affecting many areas of your life. But with the practical issues I think getting a second opinion from a pest control company would be good and will probably involve your neighbours to stop the infestation. I wouldn’t rule out a cat as the rats will hear and smell him/ her and possibly avoid your home. Finally I would have a reputable builder come to look at the damp - this issue and the vermin are probably both in the same areas under your home.

I also second looking at recriminations with your sellers and the surveyor who definitely should have highlighted some of these issues.

wishing you the very best for reclaiming your space and moving forward x

I started suffering from panic attacks last year, although I knew the cause, I had to take the bull by the horns and seek professional help. Medication helps, but it doesn't help the root cause, and until you have therapy to work out why you are anxious, then the attacks will keep happening. My therapist gave me some tools to help, when an attack started and also talking helped me sort out my emotions. Find a therapist in the first instance and see your GP for a medication review. Once you're in a better headspace, the rest won't seem so horrendous and it can be sorted.

I think the suggestions of high frequency devices is good. I had something in my loft and it stopped it straight away.. if you install them downstairs, hopefully they will move on to another area of the street.

Do you plan to live alone or would like to find a partner and have children - or is not on the agenda? in my mid 30/s the urge to settle down took over and I met someone and had children within 2 years. My house became a home - but if I were to live alone again, I would probably choose a flat somewhere busy as living alone in a big house is very hard - I’ve been there. I just wanted my parents and was only truly happy when they visited or my brother came to live with me for a bit. Could you get a lodger?

Where were you living before and why did you move? Could you think of the positives and almost make a mantra of it?