Masking behaviours at nearly 3 years?

[OneWiseBlueSheep]

My son is 32 months and has developmental delays across gross motor function, communication and problem solving, as he scored quite low across his ASQ-3. He's had a speech assessment, he needs SALT as he can't identify activities in photos, can't follow basic instructions like 'put the brush on the shoe', he can sometimes follow instructions if it's simple enough, but often he just stares and says nonsense and carries on doing whatever he was doing without looking at you. He's also been referred via section 23 to LA to advise he might need extra help at reception. The Early Years SEND support services (Which I'm super glad he's got a referral for!) are also involved now. He's with a childminder Monday to Friday 8am-5pm, with other kids he's known since he was 5 months old.

My main question is, can they mask this young? When he's home he spins constantly, throws his head back on the sofa, flicks his fingers in front of his eyes, puts his head on the floor and stays there for ages. He very much can't handle baths, bad with transitions he's not ready for, he's okay with suddenly getting in the car, but not okay with say just going out for the day as it's too different. At birthday parties he really shows how much he can't handle other kids, won't go near them doesn't attempt social interaction; he just hyperfixates on a balloon or some other object. The CM hasn't raised any concerns. We spoke to her today and I can gather she doesn't totally understand what ASD looks like but is supportive of the SEND referrals. Apparently, he tolerates the other children well but I've now been made aware 2 of the boys he plays with there are also being assessed for ASD and ADHD.

Masking requires an understanding of social rules and expectations in order to understand to mimic them and copy along. Most 3 year olds wouldn’t ‘mask’ in the way the word is meant.

But it’s completely normal for all kids to behave differently in different settings. That’s not masking, it’s just behaving differently in different places. Maybe his behaviours are less with CM who knows.

Regardless, doesn’t sound like the CM knows what she’s talking about or looking for. When my very obviously autistic child was diagnosed we also had surprise from some quarters because my son doesn’t act how they expect an autistic kid would act (he doesn’t line up cars and wasn’t interested in trains).

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. The professionals will know what to check for.

I’m very surprised by the way your child’s friends (who i assume are also pre school) being assessed for ADHD. That’s so young and a diagnosis of a condition like this would surely misdiagnose toddlers who are just late developers and haven’t learned self control or focus yet. Usual age would be 6 minimum. I would feel very wary of any professional willing to part parents from their cash for an assessment of such a tiny child.

Oh no it's happening via the NHS, they're on the free assessment pathway
But yeah it seems so young, the assessment service wouldn't look at my son until he turns 3 to rule out developmental delay

What did the CM actually say about his behaviour?

To be honest all children behave 'better' at other settings than at home. Even the most neurotypical child will hold it all in while away and let it all out as soon as they see mum.

She has said he sometimes runs into the sofa and bounces his head on it, flaps when excited, she doesn't see the issue with his speech personally and she said she isn't familiar with the traits of autism or adhd enough to comment.

I wouldn’t assume your CM is qualified to comment and I think it’s good she’s honest about that. DC1 has ASD, among other things, and he wasn’t diagnosed until he was 8. Our CM (from age 2) had plenty to say about DC1’s development (!) and what she assumed was our parenting, but only really twigged there might be more to it once she minded DC2, who was a totally different kettle of fish. I don’t think she ever really considered additional needs until I mentioned we were looking at assessment and it was like watching a lightbulb go on for her.

DC1 behaved very well for our CM (she could never believe what he could be like at home). So I think there can be an element of conforming to expectations even at that age but I’m not sure it is to the same extent of masking as an older child. What you’re describing sounds like the need to decompress when he gets home.

You’re doing the right thing getting more support now - our DC had everything put down to being summer-born and it took years to get anyone to take my concerns seriously.

Imo yes. When small my ds would meltdown at home. He did it once in nursery and it drew so much (unwanted) attention he never did it again and started to shutdown instead.