To wonder about just not doing anything for Christmas next year..!

[Flipflopflipflapper]

im talking THE LIST on your phone…

the organising, the planning, the choosing, the thinking, the pressure ever increasing, the deciding, the presents, the stockings, the food, the ‘can you give me a hint for xxx I’m stuck’ the school stuff, the parties, the queuing, the guessing, the worrying ‘is it fair and equitable for both?’
all of it… just dropped!

I dreamt about this today and I wondered how it would actually feel.

I can’t honestly imagine it… I’m so immersed in all the craziness. i love my DH and DC but sometimes I just wonder, how it would feel to just stop.

We’re going to mIl’s at the weekend and will swap gifts and DH still hasn’t sorted their gifts. I have refused to take on any additional organising but I can feel the pressure increasing, the feeling like the giving/receiving won’t be matched if I don’t manage it and it’s awful.

does anyone else feel like this?

No tbh. You have kids so you can’t opt out of Xmas. But you could make it a lot simpler if you chose to. It sounds like you unjustifiably feel like you are falling short and you need to push back against the inner critic. Who cares if someone doesn’t absolutely love a gift you buy (this will happen) or gifts aren’t completely evenly matched? Take a breath and look at the wider picture. This pressure is coming from you. You don’t have to buy into it.

I think cutting adult gifts is the first step. It's ridiculous and out of hand. Just concentrate on the children receiving a few nice things and providing a pleasant meal on the day. They don't need to go to lots of parties or events either, just prioritise. Put a tree up, but don't feel you need to decorate the entire house or garden as well. Just do the basics to get through without cutting it out all together.

No but I don’t buy or organise for other adults. It seems your DH is leaving all the Christmas wifework to you.

I make minimal effort at Christmas . I don’t get involved in any of it and tbh it’s nice to live an oblivious life 🤣🤣 I’ve got older kids though and I’ve grown up where my Dad doesn’t like Christmas and he’s definitely a real life Grinch . I’ve all but bypassed it this year due to being made redundant and not having the money to entertain it … and it suits me just fine :) after years working in retail last thing I want to do at Xmas is queue in shops , I refuse too . I start early and miss all the drama … and I wouldn’t want it any other way .

I don’t bother with any of it

You sound like the mum in Motherland @Flipflopflipflapper

Sounds like you have a lot of stress in general, especially with a bit of a useless husband!

In terms of Christmas, what is making you the most stressed? We keep two shared lists, one for food, one for presents. We add to it when we remember and then around Black Friday we just do a big online order. Same with Christmas food, book an online shop, add to it with things when we remember, then it all gets delivered. Absolutely no stress, no going shopping, takes minimal time and effort. I just let people buy whatever they want for the children. Yes, you might get some unsuitable presents, but just give them away after.

I can thoroughly recommend stopping buying presents for adults. We never managed to wipe it out completely (a family member with additional challenges never understood it, and we kept giving to parents) and I am now involved with new family members where it hasn’t been agreed, but the drop in stress is absolutely huge, ridiculously so. Try it ( will have to be next year but start saying it now).

Most of the nonsense in your post is entirely optional so of course you should stop if you’re not enjoying it.

I’ve never understood why people get themselves so worked up over Christmas - it’s just another day with some presents and an overpriced roast dinner.

I used to work over Christmas and dh was early retired, so I didn't bother with his side of the family's gifts at all and he just saw to it. Our present house has no room for a tree so we don't bother. It's as stressful as you want to make it really. Nobody's going to spontaneously combust if they don't get a boots gift set or miss out on some pigs in blankets. If they go huffy over anything, let them, that's their choice.

The pressure us real at this stage, children notice and compare. I do as little as possible at christmas, but there are still multiple lists!
Dh always sorts his side ov the family though, I would hold firm on your dh sorting the inlaws. Dont remind or provide back ups! It's literally not your job! He may cock it up, but you will save yourself years of hassle.

I don't really undetstand the stress over Christmas. It's a day shopping, a few hours putting decorations up and a roast dinner. What's difficult about that? Why all the drama?

We don't have kids so it's easier for us, but we've stopped all the things about Christmas that got on our wick. No presents, no anything we don't want to do.

We have our November and December back, no tearing around, have ditched a rut of restricting traditions and aren't skint in January.

It's just one lovely meal, long crisp walks and cosy times at home with the people we love.

It's bliss.

Thanks everyone it’s good to hear other perspectives. It is all nonsense I agree but I don’t seem to be able to break free from it.

My sister is long term on her own, so I think there is compensation from my mum and I to try to fill a gap somehow, and it all escalates. So no adult presents isn’t an option or she wouldn’t get anything. I’ve thought about capping it for adults but it makes me feel guilty for my sister.

My mum has always over done things so I think I’ve picked this up from her. I realise I need to break the cycle for my DC.

One step at a time! Thanks everyone.

I would be very happy if Christmas happened every two years, not every year. I know this does not suit the religious aspect but it would make the whole thing far more bearable.

One thing we’ve brought in this year is secret Santa. All adults, including v young adults. We made setting up the draw for who gets which name quite fun - videoed it and shared it on a group WhatsApp group. But the upshot is everyone only needs to buy one present, and it will be a laugh on the day as well.

Would bringing in something like that help?

I can also completely relate. You can see the weekend approaching and husband’s inactivity and want to go in and rescue things. It’s very inbuilt to a lot of us. Very hard to sit back and watch it fail, because realistically people will be looking at you.

Right now is the time to flag it with your husband. Let him know you will NOT be rescuing, and that it’s on him for the weekend. He has plenty of time still.

Next year I have already decided to build on what I have done this year - yesterday I flew to The Canaries, cheap deals in December, I’m alone, quiet beachside hotel, had the most perfect day - walking, exploring, 4 hours bathing in various rock-pools, chatted to various strangers, stopped and openly welcomed in a young persons beach bar on the way back, now tucked up in bed.

Will fly home Christmas Eve (mostly empty aircraft), do a very last minute food shop just prior to closing time en route from the airport (last hear got a huge trolley-full of reduced posh foods for about £25)….and enjoy Christmas day alone, completely below the radar…and plan to resurface on Boxing Day.

Next year, planning hopefully to make it 3 weeks and just avoid December altogether.