To have or not to have kids

[Sourscherry09]

Hi mumsnet

looking for some words of wisdom.

I am 31 and my partner is 33. Neither of us are career driven people but we do love our life. I don’t feel anything is missing right now BUT I’ve been thinking about TTC for a year now and I still keep trying to bide my time until I become ready. After much research it’s clear I might never have that ready feeling.

A few things about me:-

• Very anxious, currently medicated but it’s my disposition
• Sensitve to loud sounds - Will this be different when I hear my own child cry?
• The thought of me and my partner breaking up, him meeting someone else and having a baby would crush me, but I think that’s only because I am jealous of women who are either 100% in or 100% out.
• My life is so fun right now. I don’t feel it’s hollow or empty
• If my sister told me she was pregnant tomorrow I think I’d feel sad as again, I wish I could be a woman who was absolutely confident in her no, or absolutely confident in her yes.
• I worry. A lot.

I welcome your thoughts

thanks all

Don’t have a child as your anxiety would be worse!

You sound like you would like kids so don’t rule it out.

Definitely get a good grip on your anxiety before you do though, this is my natural disposition too and I think it does add extra “weight” to everything.

Ask yourself how strong your current relationship is if you are anxious about him leaving. Is that anything to do with his actions, or is it purely your anxiety speaking? I have 100% faith that if my partner and I ever split, that he would be a 50/50 parent, that’s as much control as I have over that, so I accept it.

l also have sound sensitivity, the sound of your child crying is designed to bother you, so yes it will do. Also toddler screaming drives me mad. I deal with it with a mixture of acceptance, but also trying to set limits with my child so my house doesn’t become too chaotic. You will have to deal with it for a few years at least though.

Also, you will never feel “ready”. Kids completely turn your life upside down. You just have to take the decision either way and push ahead.

To end with a positive. I was on the fence about kids, with not much feeling either way, DP wanted one so we took the plunge and went for it. My daughter is an absolute joy and I can’t imagine the world without her in it. I’m away right now and looking forward to seeing her face when I get home tomorrow. It is hard work though and some days can be really tough!

I'd only have a child if you really want one.

If you don't really want one and don't have one, you'll be happy.

If you don't really want one and have one you could be pleasantly surprised like pp or you could really fundamentally regret it. Having a child that you don't really want is a very risky choice.

I suppose it depends on whether you're a gambler or not.

If you’re on medication for anxiety it’s probably not a good idea to have children.

I’m curious. Life is so fun right now, and you’re medicated for anxiety. Those seem to be mutually exclusive.

Your life is so fun right now but you are still very anxious and on medication.

Pregnancy/baby/toddler/child/teenager/young adult/empty nest - none of this is calming.

I very much doubt having a child with be the fix you are looking for. It doesn’t keep a partner with you, it won’t help with comparisons with other’s who have children or not.

For me, I was carefree, chilled, happy, accepting of life, had a baby, still was those things but oh my lord, the worrying about your child when they were at school, out with friends, they take a bit of your heart with you every time.

Saying this it’s a love like no other, your life is irrelevant in some ways because you would take a bullet for them happily, they (ours did/do) give us endless joy and love. They are frustrating, loving, cheeky, ungrateful (sometimes), kind, creative and most other adjectives.

But life is really no longer about you, you earn money for them, what you do, where you live, what you eat, what you save for, it’s all about them.

Being sensitive to a baby and more annoying a toddler/child’s crying is the least of your concerns, Disney bedtimes, where you read a story in a pretty room, say night sweetheart, turn light off and close the door, child falls asleep alone - they don’t exist. Just to let you know.

It!s fucking hard work, endless, boring, repetitive, thankless, but it’s still utterly amazing.

You have to function on no sleep sometimes, you have to drop everything even personal hygiene if they are ill (and they will be ill) and you have to soothe them on just instincts.

And no one thanks you or thinks you are special, you are just another mother/parent that is there. Your child is the centre of the universe to you but it’s just a bang average baby to the rest of the world.

So who knows @Sourscherry09 a baby could give you everything you are seeking and be the best thing you have ever and will ever do, or it could be a total nightmare and you wish you had never had them (but it’s too late then). It is very much a can’t send them back decision. In likelihood it will be a mix and you can count yourself lucky if that mix is more of the best thing than the regret.

If you don’t have children and get to an age where you can no longer have them how will you feel?

What are your reasons for wanting children? My thought process when I am a little broody leads me to wanting them as I don’t want to be old on my own. This is not a good reason to have them.

I didn't have children - been pregnant a lot but couldn't hang on to them. I was devastated by the final stillbirth - but at the same time, I never had the intense urge to reproduce I've seen in other women. Even as I grieved my non-daughter, I did feel I was going through a physiological and hormonal process, it wasn't like the death of all my dreams or purpose.

I am sorriest that I'll never know the intensity of love for, and from, a child of mine. To me, it's a fundamental life experience shared by most people; an experience I've forever missed out on. However, I'm aware this is by no means guaranteed. A surprising proportion of parents tolerate, deal with, their children as kindly as they can. They love them in a dutiful way (one hopes) but it's largely an ordeal for them, however much pride and affection they might feel.

There's a strong chance I'd have ended up being one of those rather than the transcendentally devoted kind of mother, given my lack of yearning for a child in the first place.

The risks and downsides of pregnancy, birth and parenting are well known now, thank goodness, so I shan't itemise them. What I can tell you is that not having these obligations provides incredible freedom compared to your parenting peers. You have so much more money and time! You can even get enough sleep! All the things people say they'd like to do in retirement, I have DONE - and just as well I did them while younger, more energetic and healthy, as my retirement's turning out to be a disabled one. Nobody can predict this - some of those planning for freedom in later life won't even see retirement, and most will have serious health problems.

I'm from quite a big family. Half of my siblings have children, the other half haven't. I was ambitious in career terms, some of the others not at all. All of us no-kids sibs have travelled extensively and frequently, have explored a range of special interests, expanded our cultural horizons and have a wide range of friends from various walks of life. It takes a phenomenal amount of money to be able to do these things as a parent, and still the children must be the priority.

I used to just feel like a change of scene, book a week off and hop on the first flight that took my fancy. There is no such spontaneity when you have children to plan for.

Given the factors you've mentioned, I'd advise spending some time really learning about how it is to be a parent - the early years "in the trenches", the problems with health and education, the social restrictions, the expense. And also the good stuff, of course. Weigh it up analytically.

I love my daughter….. now I hated the baby years… They are really really tough for some people. I’m an anxious person don’t have anxiety you and I both know there is a difference….

The constant worry and never ending thinking about feeding sleeping tummy time meeting developmental milestones was really stressful and I would be concerned how you would cope if all that was happening. My daughter needs medical help so I’m on the phone or chasing specialists dealing with specialists all the time will your anxiety cope if you had a neurodivergent child

If you can get your anxiety under controlling for it …. Don’t worry about the baby screams hurting your ears … your own baby crying doesn’t sound tinny and horrible as you just want to help your little baby … it’s very odd how you can tell if your baby is crying among other babies/ kids

I think the problem with being analytical about it is that it is so intangible. People talk about it being a love like no other but it is difficult to explain if you havent felt it. The ' love like no other' is the other side of ' a worry like no other'. You know you more or less have a part of you wandering around that mostly you have no control over, and you know that if anything happens to them it will happen to you too. The tangible side is that they are extremely restricting and expensive but everyone knows that but many people do it anyway. I would say if you are anxious maybe give it a few years. My dh has issues with anxiety and the kids are mostly what he obsesses about. Its distressing for them and hard to live with for me as I have to kind of be the opposite all the time because I dont want the anxiety to be passed onto them.

Do not have a child unless you really really want one.
Nobody can prepare you for it.
You may suffer a terrible pregnancy and labour.
Look on here about how bad so many men are at parenting.
In your situation I would stop thinking about it at least for another year or two.
Once you have a child there is no going back.

My life without my children would feel meaningless however, if I had never had children I know I would not feel like this.

My pregnancy was unplanned. So it was a decision I never had to plan anyway.

I was in my 30’s and had done all the travelling, living in different countries, spa days, dangerous sports etc etc.

I know that I don’t like this world much now but my DC are thriving and loving their life so rationally I wouldn’t choose to have a child now in this day and age but I can also see life for what it is too and in its simplest form it’s just about experiencing it once you are born. The good, the bad and the ugly of it all.

I wouldn’t want my time again but I also wouldn’t want to not have experienced some of the things I have too. You can’t undo what you’ve done but you wouldn’t necessarily do it again if you had the choice.

This is what you need to deal with.

I do think that being anxious isn't good for being a parent. Sounds like you mat ruin your otherwise good life by having a child.

What does your dh want? Is he likely to dump you at 40 to have children?

You are never going to feel ready. Children are a great blessing but don't rush into it. Deal with your anxiety.

What does your partner want? I would also get your anxiety sorted first before having DCs.

Some really amazing answers here. I wonder if it’s just the time of day?!

Quite often you get people encouraging someone they don’t even know into having a child because “it’s a love you’ll never know” or “what women are supposed to do” (saw this on a similar thread).

I am similar to @GarlicRound in that I never had any real maternal urges but I had failed pregnancies because I wasn’t aware of how hard motherhood can be and it was expected and I had heard lots of people say that I’d feel the love as soon as my baby was born.

As I got older and friends and siblings had kids I realised how hard it really is and that not everyone feels a huge rush of love and even if they do they still didn’t expect it to be so hard. I know quite a few women who told me they regret having children and or that they don’t regret it but wouldn’t choose to have kids if they had a second chance.
I worked in a mostly male environment and there were so many men that worked late or said they only had kids for their wives or admitted they hated being a dad. I often worried I’d end up in a situation with someone who just checked out of fatherhood like they did and I’d be left alone.

I’ve also noticed now I’m in my forties how many couples I know have split and the women dedicated themselves to raising kids whilst their ex partners had more children they then didn’t parent.

I think it’s difficult when you watch tv programmes and adverts and everything shows nuclear happy families so you feel on the outside when you don’t have kids.
You get left out of discussions and questioned on your decision and often treated as though you are an outsider. It puts a huge amount of pressure on and is often glorified so you feel like you are missing out, then often people aren’t honest about how they really feel and tell you how amazing it is without any of the hard bits - that’s why I really appreciate these honest responses.

I am having a hysterectomy soon due to health reasons so the question about how you’ll feel when it’s too late to have any is an excellent one.
I think I’ve grieved for a life I would never know and did find it hard to come to terms with at first, I’m having therapy and we worked out though that a lot of that is feeling old and also still feeling like I don’t quite fit in now people around me are having grandkids or have great relationships with older children.
I was still certain I didn’t want children when I was told I’d need the hysterectomy but I did feel sad that it was no longer a choice, I was told that’s natural and it passed.

The best advice is what @NuffSaidSam said
I'd only have a child if you really want one.
If you don't really want one and don't have one, you'll be happy.
If you don't really want one and have one you could be pleasantly surprised like pp or you could really fundamentally regret it. Having a child that you don't really want is a very risky choice.

I read that and realised that despite everything I’ve been happy (most of the time) when I could have had a very different life with more regrets and I also have severe anxiety so it wouldn’t have been easy.

Maybe leave it a bit longer and actually spend time with kids. That was what really cemented my decision when I enjoyed having my nieces and nephews and spending time with my friends kids but I was also desperate to give them back. I once said to my sister “I bet it’s just because it’s not my own child” and she said “is it fuck?!! Why do you think parents are always so desperate for childcare and a break, why do you think grandparents were invented” 😂.

I think it’s also down to choice of partner, your financial situation, your own and your child’s personality and you have to consider how you’d cope if they had any disabilities or learning difficulties.

If you have time then I’d suggest waiting and living your life as full as possible. That way you’ll have done lots of things you wanted before a baby comes along or you might decide life is rich enough already.

I have suffered from anxiety all my life and worried it would get worse with pregnancy and then motherhood. I started therapy before ttc and carried on through pregnancy and early motherhood and it was the best move as it really helped me see when my anxiety was getting worse and when i was being irrational with my worries. In the event motherhood didn’t make my anxiety worse, probably because of the work I did to avoid that. If anything it made me less anxious as I had too much to do to sweat the small stuff.

i have never given up work and DH and I agreed 50:50 on all childcare before I got pregnant. That was key for me as I wanted a balanced life. I’ve worked throughout raising my kids. We have also travelled and done all the things we enjoyed before kids.

For us it was the right decision. My life with kids has been truly happy. The highs are so high but the lows can be pretty damn low too. For me it’s been worth it. The honest truth is it might be joyful for you too or it might be too much but you can’t no ahead of time. There is no rationalising it or predicting it. It’s a risk for everyone who has children. But then I’d say there are similar risks for those who decide not to have kids. That’s just life, it’s a lottery and we don’t know what numbers we will get.

Havent rtft. i have a 3 and 1 Yr old

I generally say "i wasnt sure and I did and it's great" to the generic "not sure" posts.
BUT I wanted kids but was unsure I'd be suited to it... and my circs were close to perfect (nice husband, nice home, mum nearby, enough money as high earners.) So ir was "easier"
Its still fucking hard.
Nothing but nothing can prepare you for what is coming.
I struggled badly first 6m post partum, it put huge pressure on my MH which was good prior to children... and if I still felt that way now I'd be miserable.

Separately I was very carefree prekids... i worry much more now. Are they developing? Are they asking friends? Are their motor skills behind? These are all things I must read up on and support...
The world is also terrible and that brings fear too. The current social and economic climate is bleak... you get the vibe

In your circs very honestly I wouldn't.

the level of unknowns and "bad surprises" in pregnancy and birth was a lot higher than i had realised.
E.g.
Unknowns... Prenatal test dont say your baby doesnt have downs it say 1 in 250 chance it does...it is not definitive.
Baby surprises...I needed 4 x GA post partum surgeries and one baby did a 3 week stint in nicu. It was traumatic and difficult. I got ptsd from the nicu stay. A medical professional would find it an unremarkable and mild case with a "good outcome" compared to some of what they see.

There is sustained noise, mess and chaos with children. They will hit kick punch and bite you!

I don't think you'd cope well based on the OP and I think you'll be one of those women (& i know a few) for whom it wasnt worth it and now they are unhappy but stuck and have to get on with it.

Tldr
Dont do it. Live a good life, manage your anxiety and if you need to love something get a cat or dog.

Edit snooped at the thread. Yes to the highs and lows. Life.prekids was floating around the 7-8 constantly. Now its a 1-10 on any given day. 🤣🤣🤣😵‍💫

This is so informative and put together brilliantly OP, posters like @GarlicRoundwill be so useful for you to read.

I am so sorry for your loss Garlic.

Hello, I have a 3 yo and newborn and am in my late thirties. I would say often people aren't 100% sure about decisions and just wanted to normalise that a bit. I was about 70% sure I wanted to have a second baby and 30% didn't, but that to me was enough to do it. (In the newborn bubble right now and incredibly happy, but it may get harder in future I suspect!)
I do think sometimes you have to act on something you're not 100% sure about and it's really hard but worth listening to the majority of what your gut is telling you..
It's hard to listen to your gut feelings if you feel very anxious and are up in your head, maybe how you feel about others getting pregnant might show you what your gut is telling you about what you want. Do you feel more jealous of people who are pregnant/with kids or who don't have them?
It's great you have a happy and fulfilling life as it is now, and that would be a good foundation to bring a child into. Having a support network really helps and a solid relationship. this will be different for everyone and I imagine really colours how people feel about having kids. It is still possible to go away and go out/do fun things for yourself after you have kids. I also find it fun being with my toddler, mostly when we are with friends who also have toddlers. I genuinely love watching them play together, have fun and be silly, with minimal effort from me while I can chat and have coffee with friends! That may sound lazy of me but it's true those times I enjoy most just watching my three year old have fun and I can just watch and enjoy, as I don't particularly enjoy playing myself!
I'm in a city with lots of different things to do and places to go all set up for children so lots of fun things to do.
Loud sounds - before having second baby i invested in some expensive ear plugs to wear on the hospital ward and they are amazing and so worth it. I am now wearing them to take the edge off night time baby sounds when she's in the cot as otherwise I'm too hyper vigilant and can't sleep. You can also get day to day earplugs to take the edge off I think.
I hope everything goes well for you whatever you decide.