Help me see a better life, how do you spend your fun money?

[Cinderelala]

I've come to realise I've been financially abused for so long I can't even imagine having the ability to spend fun money.

I am going to work on leaving but it's a longer term goal.

So since being aware that my situation is not normal and i could have a different life, I've been struggling trying to imagine what my life could be like.

I feel like I've been trapped in a cage for so long I don't even know what freedom and choice feels like.

What do you spend your money on? How much do you have to spend?
I accompanied my adult daughter shopping yesterday and saw so many wonderful things.
Who's buying beauty products, perfumes that cost £100/200?
Bags and shoes over £500?
£200 coats?
What else do you buy?

I need to see how normal it is to spend money without fear or it feeling dangerous and shameful.

I left my abusive ex nearly 3 years ago and now I take my small child away on frequent trips away in the year, mostly uk, quality time just us two. I don’t leave myself short on things I want and need (despite my ex still being financially abusive and putting me in difficult situations), but I make sure that I have money for this quality time as it’s limited due to work etc.
What does financial freedom look like to you, how will you treat yourself?
Also for what it’s worth, there will never be a right time financially to leave. If an opportunity comes along, you have to jump at it and then make things work. For me it was a part time job offer after mat leave. I kicked him out the week I start the new job, things were a struggle for a while but it was the best decision I’d ever made.
What will help put you in a position to leave? Look for that stepping stone opportunity and grab it with both hands. Life is too short to be stuck in an abusive relationship. Find your freedom, heal, then your happiness will follow…

I love being a single Mum, it’s peaceful for us all and nobody financially controls me in any way. My ex left me pretty much destitute but I’ve slowly built up savings and have zero debt anywhere. I’m careful, but also enjoy my life and love spending on my children and home too.
Recently (inc Black Friday so more extravagant than normal!!) I have bought some new art, shearling Birkenstocks for me, Uggs for kids, a Ninja food processor, a (much needed) new yoga mat. I also enjoy getting good quality teabags in the grocery shop, using the greengrocer, buying local milk and eggs…all MY choices.

Travel mostly. I have enough clothes and perfumes and bags to last me the rest of my life, and I'm not a slave to fashion either!

Second is a fund for house repairs. There's no end to it when you own a house, some are more aspirational and some are essential. My shed/garage roof needs an overhaul. To do in the New Year. New tumble drier. New Year. Things like that.

New car every two years. Makes buying the new one a no brainer once you get the first new purchase out of the way and paid for!

I'm retired and live alone BTW so I've no DIY DH or anything. But it's better that way in lots of ways IMO!

I haven’t been financially abused, so don’t know how helpful this is but you asked what people spend their money on so… I have a set amount of money a month budgeted to spend on only frivolous things just for me, as does DH, pocket money I supposed you’d call it! In the past it’s been a smaller amount but right now we’re doing really well so it’s £100. I buy anything that catches my eye but do try to pace myself through the month. I bought beautifully coloured Diamine inks to use in my fountain pen last month, as well as some books. And a lamp!

i have some expensive perfume, that’s a birthday present splurge. I haven’t spent quite as much as that on a coat, but have bought one for about £250 because it’s excellent quality and will last a lot of years. I don’t have expensive taste in clothes though, so would never buy a designer handbag!

I actually find the concept of " fun money" really challenging.

I was brought up in a home where there wasn't much spare money and it was always a source of arguments - my brother once told me how badly these rows over money affected him and really influenced the way he brought up his own children. And it has affected me because even though I'm not wealthy I do have money to spare but mentally really struggle not to always be looking for bargains and being reluctant to indulge myself.

This month I have splashed out - for me- on a new sofa. It's not strictly necessary and I'm finding ways to justify buying it. But I'm looking forward to the thrill of having something I can enjoy everyday.

But I won't lie and say that spending money on anything other than necessities isn't a struggle for me. It makes me sound like a miser but it's the way my life has conditioned me.

Mines mainly been on holidays and eating out. I do buy Clinique as I’m allergic to make up and cosmetic products including fragrance. It’s £55 for a little pot of moisturiser so I buy it from them online when on offer. I did used to have lower end designer handbags for work but since I retired I haven’t bothered to replace. I have had some for 20 years so they are looking a little worn.

DH and I have separate accounts but with transparency. He did end up earning more than me as I didn’t want the responsibility of managing people but we did both have decent wages.

Theatre
Clothes (in sales)
Coffee shop
Treats for kids / days out
Cinema
Swimming
Massage (once a year maybe)

I’m not in a position of financial abuse - I have a dh and we are happy with how we split everything fairly - but I grew up really poor and still feel quite emotional when I see my bank balance (I’m not a millionaire!!) knowing that I can pay for all the essentials (roof over head, warm house, food on the table etc) and have enough left over to save and buy what I need or want. I will never ever take for granted the feeling of financial security and I hope that you are in this position soon.
Initially I was hesitant to spend money on myself, always worrying about it all being taken away from me and having nothing left. But over time it’s become easier to realise I’m worth treating, I always make sure to have a healthy buffer in savings and that will never leave me.
As to what I spend my money on, exercise classes and gym membership, lunches and dinners out with friends, clothes, beauty stuff, nothing is really exempt! Plus obviously the kids 😂

I outsource what I can afford so simple things like getting a taxi home with my shopping.

A holiday abroad once a year

Grabbing a coffee

Having my nails done around £25.

Eating out at new places

@Cinderelala

Good luck with your plans! Wishing you well.

I buy quality basics, and spend money on experiences.

I don't buy more crap that will end up in landfill, wasting my weekends sorting it out.

I get much more joy from a lovely day out, an exhibition or show or a meal with people I care about.

It comes down to what you value. For me, that does include my regular perfume, hair cuts and some minor beauty treatments but I dont value clothes, shoes or bags enough to spend £100s on a single item and I hardly wear make-up.

Things I value:

• living comfortably, eg having the heating on when I feel like it, having savings to cushion emergencies and more savings for when home improvements needed or wanted. Deciding to get a taxi rather than the bus sometimes
• my pets and their vet bills😅(One has a chronic condition, insurance won't cover it. Off to the vets on Tue, will be £200, only two months since the last time)
• theatre outings etc. Been to around 15 plays and shows this year, say £50 a time
• other hobbies with annual membership fees £400 and other incidentals c£20 pcm
• occasional 'big' holidays. I have a bucket list trip booked for next year. (First overseas holiday in 4 years bc I've prioritized home improvements and money doesn't actually grow on trees)

Horses
Massage
Hair/Makeup

Oh and to echo PP, I never take living comfortably for granted. I still think it's amazing the cash point gives me money any time I ask!

^Who's buying beauty products, perfumes that cost £100/200?
Bags and shoes over £500?
£200 coats^

I don't buy any of those. I'm not really interested in 'stuff' and just buy boring, reasonable quality basics that are easy to obtain, eg from M&S or Uniqlo.

My hair isn't expensive (£30 cut at a local salon and a home box dye), I don't have treatments, I would like to get my nails done, but I need to stop biting them first (never going to happen).

I spend my money on being well equipped for country walks, so a good coat, socks and shoes, also I have the OS map subscription and a national art pass, so I can get into museums and places like the Yorkshire Sculpture Park for free. I also occasionally go to gigs and the theatre, spa days and extreme day trips. Have nice lunches while I'm out and about. I also have a kindle and buy far too many books, but only when they're 99p. I like to sit in a pub with a book and a nice lunch. I'm very good at making my money go a long way so most of what I buy or do is on a deal of some sort.

What sort of things do you think you'd like to do?

Thank you so much everyone.
I also grew up in a disadvantaged household so I think my childhood conditioning didn't help me recognise what was happening.

I can imagine once I have my own money and the freedom to spend it how I want, that I might go crazy at first buying "stuff"because I've not been able to.

But ultimately I want my own agency back, have choices and freedom and most of all not have to explain and justify every single purchase.

What sort of things do you think you'd like to do? @Bjorkdidit

I love the idea of an arts pass. I'd love days out to art galleries, theatre, museums.etc
Definitely more experiences, enrichment. I used to do things like that with the kids when they were younger and loved it.

My DH doesn't value anything like that. He'd like to be a hermit in a cave somewhere. I'm constantly battling to enrich and expand my life and he's trying to close it in.

I never bought any of those things, I spent my fun money on compost, seeds, an allotment and when covid hit, I spent my bonus on a polytunnel which I put up at my allotment.

Now I have taken early retirement I've taken up pottery so have a wheel, kiln and clay. Lots of clay. Lots of glazes.

I grew up in a financially dysfunctional family so I too struggle with fun money. I have £400 per month but almost always save most of it. I do spend a little on my hobbies and I started a collection of something that I love but that also will likely only increase in value. I also set aside some each month for going out or away with friends. And from time to time I use it to pay for a course to learn something new.

Most people don’t spend these kinds of money on such things, most people don’t have that much disposable income. It’s also incredibly wasteful so often. Never sure what “fun money” is, I have everything I need but I don’t waste money on such craziness

I really hope you manage to get out this situation soon OP.

I spend it on gym membership, a reformer Pilates class, new workout clothes and a fitness app. Also going to the theatre and music events with my kids and /or husband depending on the event. And holidays!

Im not someone that really buys expensive clothes or items just because I don’t value that so it’s mainly experiences.

I don’t spend a lot compared to some and have increased over the last few years. sometimes having g peace of mind was better than spending but recently I have become a bit more liberated in spending and treating Myself. I’ve started to buy nicer clothes so not from primark but Zara! Swapped Aldi moisturiser for simple and so on. Bought some Levi’s to replace the Vinted ones and some very nice blundston boots to replace the 15 sale ones from Sainsburys. I have the nicest iPhone and air pods and they are my best thing. I love them.

I love plants and gardening so I get some nice bits for that. I also bought a down coat in the sale from 300 to 90. It was a north face.

I get a hair cut and colour ever y 10 weeks at not the the cheapest salon like I used to. I get brows waxed and tinted every 8 weeks and have a gel pedicure in the summer every 8 weeks also.

I get a free Costa when I fill up the car and save the beans to buy a free drink from a store. I will get cake when I want.

I also did Mounjaro this year and that was huge for me - low self esteem and feelings of failure previously I never felt my worth and feelings kf shame a guilt for needing it.

I’d love an air wrap or similar and said to a friend wound she spend that much and she said yes because I’m worth it 💪🏽

I heard if someone having lost weight in Mounjaro is now having a tummy tuck and another having bariatric surgery is also have g a tummy tuck!

I’m lucky that I’m really comfortable.

I don’t really care about designer clothes or handbags so I don’t spend that sort of money on them, and I’ve got a cheap car and don’t buy loads for the house.

I mostly spend my fun money on a fancy gym membership, experiences like days out with the kids, meals out with friends etc.

Plus I love to travel so we have a good holiday each year - two years ago we roadtripped round the states which was fabulous!

Charity is also really important to me and i support a few, especially our local food bank which is amazing!

I have my own money but don't splurge that much though I did just buy some clothes which were not from Vinted. Otherwise I buy my my usual everyday mid priced make up and moisturisers. I buy gig tickets and hobby supplies.

Not experienced financial abuse however, we spent a lot of years with no spare money and now we give ourselves £150-200 month each.

Before I answer I feel like I should say me and DH’s shared pot covers basics like a pair of shoes or 2 each year, new coats when needed and things I consider essential like decent glasses and dental treatment for me.

My fun money is spent on socialising with friends (meals, show tickets, gig tickets, weekends away etc), clothes (often Vinted though) and self care things like massage, fire & ice sessions (sauna and cold dips) and getting my eyebrows done.

Main thing about having ‘fun money’ is the freedom - meeting a mate for a coffee or being able to buy the perfect top when you see it without having to worry brings a certain type of peace with it.