I’m really sad that a friend is moving and I only just found out.

[Dontyoulooktired]

I moved across the country 5 years ago and it’s been really hard to make friends here. It’s an area where people don’t tend to leave (dh is from here originally, all his family are still here). People have all their families around, people they went to school with, so I’ve found that they don’t really need new friendships.

Anyway, I’m very social and I have lots of little parties throughout the year, summer bbqs, Halloween and Christmas that sort of thing. Lots of school parents that I’ve met though my dc and through events love coming to them and always eagerly accept invites but it’s never reciprocated, I (and dh) never seem to be “friend” enough to be invited to anything they have, or invited out etc they have their own longstanding friends - which is okay. I host as I realised a long time ago, that if I didn’t, I’d be extremely lonely and never do anything.

There are a few people that I class as friends though. I was so gutted to walk past one of their houses today to see that they were loading a removals van. They were laughing that they shouldn’t have had the big farewell party last weekend as they had to clean up as well as pack.

I am just a bit gutted as I saw them as a friend - they obviously didn’t see me the same way not to tell me they were moving!

I don’t know what I’m asking by the way, just venting.

I’m so sorry op. That sounds hurtful.

It can be upsetting when people see you as their B list friends, when you considered them A lister friends; for want of another way of putting it!

I think this happens a lot and has happened to me in the past. I don’t take it personally though because in retrospect I think I have done this to others in reverse without realising it. Some people have very large extended families and a lot going on in their lives. It’s not always a calculated thing.

Fwiw, I made the most friends when I started up a monthly hobby group and was in charge of admin and new members. I had their contact details and got to know people gradually over a few years. And then I started meeting some of them outside the confines of the group. So if you are going to continue to host anyway, maybe you could do it a bit more strategically?

Ooof that had to hurt. Maybe the people who move into that house will be new to the town and need a friend….

Yep, I’m b list for sure!

Yeah, it really stung. I only saw her in the park a few days ago walking our dogs, we had a chat for a bit. No mention of it.

That must have been hurtful, OP, but try to not let it impact you too much.
I think it's lovely how proactive you are in your social life, having parties and inviting people over!
And 5 years is still not a very long time to have lived in a place, especially if it is the way you decribe it, a place where people don't tend to leave and many live close to their families and old friends. I'm sure people like you a lot, but they might still see you as "new".
You write that your husband is from there, does he have any old friends you can meet up with?

That's weird behaviour from her, not to have mentioned it when you met her.

Am just voicing sympathy OP, must have been a bit upsetting to see that.

Think the exact same thing is happening to me at the moment as in a close friend whom I know is moving away in 2 or 3 months has basically gone silent for ages.. she's concentrating on making new friends in the intended area she's moving to.

Yep am on b or c list here too. agree with another poster saying that some peeps are overrun with contacts/family. It is shallow behaviour though for sure. Thankfully not everyone is like that.

No, it’s not the nicest area if you know what I mean. Dh left as a lot of the people he knew from school didn’t take a good path. He sees a lot about and will say hi, but their lives turned out very different from dh and they aren’t the sort of guys he wants to be friends with, they are still like it at 40.

The ones he does keep in touch with are like him, they ran as fast and as fast as far as they could to uni and would never come back (we had to for many reasons. It’s not terrible, there are a lot of nice people, but lot of the area isn’t great). His close school friends mainly eneded up in London, where we left.

I know. I guess I’m just not that important! I feel like a twat now as I told her some things that you would tell a friend and she obviously didn’t see me as one.

This happened to me. We worked in the same place and over the years would occasionally meet up outside of work for drinks/days out etc.

Found out that she was moving (to a different place in same town) from another colleague. It upset me that I found out about it from another colleague and not from her. Even after she moved, she didn't tell me about it until I asked her.

It really put things into perspective. I took a huge step back and realised that we were just colleagues who used to meet up occasionally and not really friends.

Don't see her now. Something switched mentally about how I viewed her. She doesn't work in the same place now either. It is hurtful though when you realise that the relationship was not as close as you thought it to be.

That’s not nice. I’d stop hosting all the events and look at other outlets to socialise like clubs.

I love having parties, I always have done. My children love them too. I’m going to keep having them, If we didn’t invite anyone, it would just be me, dh and the children! (I love them and stuff but it’s more fun with lots of people).

I accept that it’s all one way and I am okay with that.

It’s a really odd area. There aren’t many clubs and things. I’m part of a book club and a few things at the local church. They are lovely, but I’m 45 and I am the youngest by about 30 years. I’m not saying you can’t have friends of all ages, but I want to go to gigs and things. I’m not done with going out. I’d love to meet people to go out with.

Some of the people I know do go out. They talk about nights out, but I am never invited. I’ve never outright invited myself along, but I have said things like, “oh, I love that band, that sounds amazing”
and been told, “yes, it’s just me and my friends going, it’s going to be great.”

I’m the sort of person who would immediately say, “hey why don’t you come with us?” But I know a lot of people aren’t like that and that’s okay, I get it.

I’ve met a couple of lovely ladies at them, but in their late 70s, they really don’t want to come and see My Chemical Romance with me.

I understand op - we moved far north from the SE 3 years ago and I have made one friend last year.

I make a huge effort with old friends and go away for weekends with them instead.

You sound fabulous and just my cup of tea!