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How long before you cut your losses?

7 replies

hazeleyess · 04/12/2025 11:25

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. From day one, we spoke very openly about the things we wanted in a relationship, which was before we were together. We were acquaintances before this and the conversation came up as we got chatting at a festival we were at with a group of our friends.

He told me he had always dreamed of having children and getting married. I told him marriage was very important to me and although I already have a DS (he’s almost 18), having more children would be something I’d love too.

After my son, I had secondary infertility for 14 years so went to have some tests. To my complete surprise, I was told I was pregnant. Much earlier than expected and because I had naively thought I’d struggle to get pregnant without help. Turns out the issue was my exH.

We currently have a beautiful newborn baby girl and we are happy. However, a couple of months ago, I gently reminded DP how important marriage is to me and he agreed it was for him too.

My concern is that me having his child hasn’t yet prompted a proposal and whilst that’s fine for now, when do I realise that I probably won’t get one and should consider my next steps? Marriage is very important to me and although we do share a child, I don’t want to feel strung along and like I was used to give him his long awaited baby. Further commitment is necessary for the security of our family.

Yes I know, this is why marriage should be before children, but it just unintentionally didn’t happen like that for us.

Let me know your thoughts. Thank you.

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyIdol · 04/12/2025 11:36

Why don’t you find out some available registry appointments and the propose to him, with a specific date/time in hand? If he worms out of that, you’ll know it’s never happening.

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2025 11:43

Your ‘next step’ is to ask him! I’d do it in a nice romantic way - like you would want him to.
I dint think you can accuse him of using you to get a baby - after all it during sound like you were trying? Or were you? Either way the fact you didn’t say you wanted to get married first means you can’t question his motives as he could say the same about you.
If you want to marry him ask. He then has to give you an answer. If he hesitates THAT’S when you start asking some serious questions.

CandyCaneKisses · 04/12/2025 11:54

You have a newborn and you’re willing to become a single parent again because he hasn’t immediately proposed? You’ve only been together for 2 years and this year has likely been spent thinking about the baby!

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Nevermind17 · 04/12/2025 11:58

Does your DP know exactly how you feel about this?

TwoTuesday · 04/12/2025 12:00

How on earth has he "used you for a baby"? You wanted a baby no? You can't make him marry you but you can certainly ask, try to guilt him into it, put pressure on and refuse to have any more kids before marriage, if it is that important to you.

hazeleyess · 04/12/2025 12:01

CandyCaneKisses · 04/12/2025 11:54

You have a newborn and you’re willing to become a single parent again because he hasn’t immediately proposed? You’ve only been together for 2 years and this year has likely been spent thinking about the baby!

No, I don’t expect an immediate proposal nor do I plan to leave any time soon. I am just looking for wisdom where I may lack it.

I had a habit of wasting time on the wrong person in the past and feel a little more sensitive to this now. Life is fleeting and I want to feel confident I am not wasting my time. It’s entirely possible I am not and as you say, pregnancy and our baby has been his main priority (understandably), but I was curious about what others felt was an appropriate time to wait before realising that he didn’t actually have any intention of marriage.

OP posts:
JellyComb · 04/12/2025 12:26

I got together with my DH in 2005 and had our son in 2006. We didn't get married until 2013 which was a little longer than I wanted, to be honest, but for us it was the whole faff a wedding would be. We went to Mauritius in the end, just us, and got married there. I think all our friends and family were quite relieved not to have to fork out on our wedding with presents, travel, new outfits etc. The marriage was, to us, far more important than the actual wedding, and that is what had been holding him back from asking me for so long, till we had a conversation about it.

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