10 year olds talking about sex - normal or not?

[Anonymousqq]

Please no judgements - DD is my eldest and I’m completely lost. I have no family I can confide in and don’t want to share with friends.

DD was “encouraged” by a group of girls today to go up to a boy and say inappropriate things to him. DD is summer born and has always been very young for her age and is easily led. She went up to this boy and repeated what the other girls told her to say whilst they giggled in the background. School called me as the boy got upset and when they questioned DD she told them about being put up to this.

I picked DD up from school later in the day knowing about the incident and casually asked her how school was today and she gave no indication of this incident. She was happily skipping along saying she had a great day. Once home I told her what school told me and she got upset and said the names of the kids who put her up to this and has just told me they all talk about sex at break times,

DD doesn’t have a phone, she has no access to internet unless It’s on my laptop when she does her homework, everything is monitored.

I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this but I feel sad that I don’t know how to help her. We just discussed setting boundaries and I found a YouTube video on how to set boundaries for kids . I spoke to her about appropriate and inappropriate conversations. I just feel so lost and upset by this.

You haven't told her about sex and she's 10! Unfortunately she's now being manipulated as the other kids think her lack of knowledge is funny.

You need to tell her both about sex, and why she's being picked on at school urgently.

If you have younger children, I also suggest you tell them now. The sooner you do it the less interesting they find it and you don't have to have a big 'birds and bees' talk.

Parents dont need books they need to talk and be blunt about it to their kids.

Don't assume that those kids know that much about sex. They know the words 'have sex' but don't necessarily know the ins and outs if you'll pardon the pun.

My mum said that I asked her once 'where did I come from' so she went into the basics of reproduction. She says I just looked at her blankly and said, 'So... did I come from England or Scotland?'

Ask her first what she thinks it means and what the girls have told her, if anything.

My four children asked questions about sex from a very young age and I always answered them factually and in an age-appropriate way.

@TimebuddaThanks for your judgemental reply. We looked through the book together at her bedtime - was very useful to have the facts laid out in an informative and child-friendly way to supplement the ‘chat’. The book has great diagrams of the baby in utero at various stages. That was her favourite part!

Lots of kids don’t go to their parents with questions, they learn from others in the playground.

hence all the untrue stuff they learn.

fgs you need to have a talk with her, you are leaving her very vulnerable to being manipulated.

I’m surprised she doesn’t already know about sex. My daughter is 9 and has known for over a year. A boy in her class politely broke the news to the girls - she has been rather nonplussed about it. Saved me a job 😆

Should I have another conversation with school today? I just felt shocked yesterday do didn’t really ask or say much, can someone help me with what I say? I have extreme anxiety generally and I’m worried about saying the wrong thing. I’m just worried about my daughter that she seems to be so easily led and the conversations going on at break times

I think it's worth a conversation with school about the social dynamics going on. At the least it's worth school being aware of them, and potentially there could be deeper issues going on. 10 is an age where a lot of friendship issues can arise.
Hopefully with the question that she was set up to ask, it's just an immaturity issue, but there are children of that age where they're exposed to safguarding levels of inappropriate media or experiences.

You also need to chat with her about this topic, both for her information and to help her gauge what is scocially appropriate.

Yes it can’t do any harm to speak to school about the dynamics.

You also need to talk to your daughter about sex and taking responsibility for her own actions.

shes 10 OP (drop the summer born excuse)! Yes the friendship dynamics might be tough but she has responsibility to bear here.

Even back in the Dark Ages I can’t have been more than 10 when a schoolfriend told me how babies are made.

In fact it was a great relief to me to find out! A neighbour’s son was the absolute spit of his dad, and I’d been wondering for ages how that could be. I’d asked my DM but she’d fobbed me off!

She didn’t have a clue what she was actually saying and therefore didn’t have the knowledge to decline what she was being set up to do with a ‘no way! I will not say that’, because you haven’t educated her on the subject or given her any guidance. I feel sad for her.

Just make sure your daughter has accurate information and then she might not be so easily led. Talk about assertiveness with her friends -- there may be some storylines on TV shows that you can watch together and talk about this.

I think she needs a genuine conversation about peer pressure and not doing things she’s being told to do by other children as ultimately she will get in trouble for it, not them which is what happened today.

I’d contact the school and ask them to speak to her class in general about peer pressure, not pressuring others etc. I’d also ask them if the girls involved were spoken to about their part in it as they need to know telling others to do things is not acceptable.

I do think, while her friends may have encouraged her i dont think its right to skirt round that she agreed to say something inappropriate that upset her classmate. And there also has to be some consequence for that.

She wasnt upset until you confronted her and then she was quick to blame others, accepting none herself.

And some of what you need to teach her is if she doesnt the wrong thing, thats her fault. My parents would have said "if they told you to jump off a cliff would you do that too?"

I dont say this to be unkind, shes 10 and she chose to say something to the boy while her friends laughed at him.. its prelude to bullying behaviour. Youre making excuses too "summer born and easily led". You need to use this as a teachable moment about making good and kind choices imo, regardless of "encouragement"

I think the easiest thing to do is throw out the 'she's been led' thinking. It doesn't matter if she's been led. She did the thing. She's young. Playground talk can get a little silly in years 5 and 6. But at the end of the day, she made a choice, a silly, childish choice, egged on by her friends (yes, this is part of the problem) to go and be the fool. Teach her to take responsibility for her choices and actions. So many, many children do not learn this and it's to their detriment. Because believe me, if you teach her to own her actions, she won't do it a second time. It's called setting a boundary. Give your DD that gift.

What's important here is to help her make good decisions. Talk to her about what she said and what it means. Talk to her about the golden rule. You get what you give. Treat others as you yourself wish to be treated. The golden rule is such a great one to utilise in your talk with DD. Guide her towards empathetic thinking, i.e. how would she feel if someone said to her the very things she was spouting to the boy on the playground?

This is a tough age, OP. Remember there's sex ed in years 5/6 and many girls are starting their periods (my DD did at age 10) and there's this threshold moment where kids are crossing over into tweens territory (that's for a whole other thread). 10-13 is a tricky age. Feral, to be honest! Kids this age know more than they actually understand and they hear and see more than they need to. DD had a boy harassing her in year 7 telling her all about bestiality. That was not at all fun to unpack. But we did unpack it and deal with it.
It's hard. Level up the parenting (it's about to get a bit bumpy in the next few years) and be the best guide to your DD.

Have you taught her anything about sex?

I remember talking about stuff like that with my friends in an innocent but cheeky way at that age. And also daring people to say they fancied someone or something. I guess the modern version could be a bit more graphic sounding.

I'm glad she's fine. They don't really know what it means to get really concerned a lot of the time I think.

Hi OP, theres a really good pdf online called
Making the big talk many small talks (https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.sexualwellbeing.ie/for-parents/making-the-big-talk-many-small-talks-for-parents-of-8-12-year-olds.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwi4zPyD4qSRAxXfaEEAHVo9LhAQFnoECA8QAQ&sqi=2&usg=AOvVaw3RnpottDlidxvwvxf0MnLG)

Also kidscape has advice to young people about bullying (this was really sexual bullying) and those friends/frenemies may have realised your daughters naivety and thought they'd have a laugh at her expense
https://www.kidscape.org.uk/advice/advice-for-young-people

Childline website also has a lot of topics you could read with your daughter together.

I think the main thing is to make it easy for her to talk to you. I think if you're anxious about how to explain things, you could read the article at childline together with her. Just do 5 minutes at a time.

Please please read this really good article below that talks about educating your child about protecting their body, and understanding about peer on peer abuse:(boys, or even girls coercing girls they see as being easy to manipulate to do things they might regret. Its so sad that this is the state of affairs now, but this is a really good opportunity to teach your child to stand their ground, and good preparation for secondary school.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-41552666.amp

I was on a bus about five years ago and overhead 2x 14 yr old school girls who didnt realise i heard everything. They were joking and laughing "did you see her crying when he pushed her head down". There was no doubt im afraid they were clearly talking about some kind of abuse of another girl, an unwilling participant . I was simply horrified at the thought of this poor girl and how probably nobody knew what was happening. I knew where they had got on and off the bus, i rang the school, gave descriptions of their coats, bags, appearance. They asked me to report to the police and the police did nothing, were not going to try and identify even though there was cctv on the bus. Police told me i would need to get a photo and a name. I managed to get a photo of one of the girls who was more distinctive looking and sent it to the school so they could perhaps identify the girl who might be the victim of this coercion and passed on the incident number so they could chase with police. The headmistress contacted me and I was reassured the school would do their utmost to protect the unknown girl and maybe give the whole year a talking to about consent and peer on peer abuse.

All the best to you x

Yes what’s happened seems normal for the age. They do learn about sex at school, some DC are more curious than others.

If it’s true they are sitting around talking about sex every break time I would say that’s not normal though.

I think you need to speak to the school and suggest they intervene and engage them in activities if this is true as it’s really unhealthy.

Look into people pleasing and healthy boundaries. At the moment you are over identifying and feeling helpless because of your own experiences, but at some point you’ve overcome this as you presumably you wouldn’t do it now? You are underestimating your ability to support her.

Try writing down your own experiences to help reflect on the past (did you also get in trouble?) and how you managed to overcome this. It’s very useful personal experience, some of which may be appropriate to share with DD (eg how you got in trouble).

If they tell her to do anything again she could say “last time I did what you said, it really upset X and got me in trouble, so no”.

I thought you were going to say they’d told her to say something much worse than that.

She’s 10. She could be starting her periods in the next year. There will be girls in her class who are there already, and who need to wear a bra. You’re not doing your daughter any favours by trying to keep her young and innocent. You’re setting her up for situations exactly the one you describe. She needs to know this stuff before puberty kicks in, which could very be already happening.

She should understand, at 10, what ‘have sex’ means and why she shouldn’t be saying things like that.

I'm really surprised that at 10 you've never had a conversation about what sex is, even just about where babies come from. The difficult bit that dawns on kids slowly is linking the biological act to feelings of desire and love, including their own feelings which will start to develop in early teens, possibly as young as 12. So to not even know where babies come from at 10 is very late.

The school needs to know that these girls are talking about 'wanting to have sex' because it may be a safeguarding issue with one or more of them. Even if it isn't, the school needs to know. My DS's school rang up every parent in yr 5 when one child used the word 'sexy' in the playground. They just need to make sure that there isn't anyone being exposed to inappropriate stuff at home.

The final point is that your DD's friends weren't kind to her and this needs a close eye kept on it. If you tell school, they will probably talk to the girls' parents. The girls need to know that putting someone up to something stupid and humiliating is a form of bullying.

Something a little similar has happened to my 10 year old GC at school recently, my DD was absolutely stunned, they were exchanging messages about women licking each other. DD went straight to the school and it seems that it is probably down to one very precocious girl who's obviously picked it up at home or from other children. It is shocking, but the school should deal with what is happening there. You should deal with explaining sex to your DD.