DC not invited to parties

[Craptimesahead]

I know this is not something I should get worked up over but I do feel sorry and upset for my DC who is consistently not invited to most birthday parties. DC is 7 so this year has changed slightly from the all class parties which he was invited to nearly all of them to this year being invited to a handful (less than 5).

Every other weekend it seems I hear from other parents or the kids that there is a party which DC has not been invited to. There have many where I thought my DC was friends with the child but then he isn't invited.

Obviously not expecting my DC to be friends with everyone and he has a few good friends which I'm grateful for. But it does make me feel upset for my DC that he's being excluded from most parties.

There is another side here which I think there is a group of mums who dislike me as DC had issues being picked on and the parents were contacted by the school. I haven't had any conflict with the parents and just go about being friendly on school runs etc. I am also a single parent as I feel perhaps the other mums don't like me because of this (one of a very small handful). I know I'm projecting here but I wish things were different for my DC.

How do I get over this? I feel like I'm failing my DS so much.

Sorry to hear this - I know it can be upsetting.

Could you tell us about the last birthday party your DS had? Did the children who came to that party not invite him to theirs?

Good question, the last one we had was smaller scale that's true. But at least 3 or 4 of the kids who were invited and attended have had parties where DS was not invited.

I have thought about this and plan to invite the whole class to the next one. Just feel disappointed that he is excluded from the majority of parties.

Is everything ok in the way your DS interacts with the other kids? Not excusing him being picked on or excluded, of course that is unacceptable, but could there be some social issues there that are preventing him from connecting positively with the other children?

Also what’s his behaviour like at parties? Now I am not doing full class parties any more for my older primary kids I have to admit I try to avoid inviting the kids whose behaviour hasn’t been great at previous parties.

People give drop off parties to receive them. I’d arrange a class party and then after party, see if any of the kids want a playdate. A friend decided she wasn’t going to do expensive kids parties and found that her DS wasn’t being invited to other people’s in return. It’s definitely tricky as they get older as generally their circle becomes smaller (but also more prone to fall outs).

From what I have seen he has been well behaved at parties.

He does have some friends but I have also failed to do playdates as I work full time long hours and we don't have people over. He never gets invited to playdates either. I've failed miserably in all his social life aspects really. Feeling so miserable.

Can anyone else offer any words of advice please. I am really spiraling on this. Feel so upset for my DS. Every time I feel like this, I feel like I should reach out to other mums to arrange play dates but then feel like I would be making a fool of myself.

I worked full time, my ds never had play dates and other kids did so would hang out with each other more and invite them to parties. I’m also a single parent too and spent most weekends with just us as everyone else was just doing family stuff.

I got him involved with stuff I could take him too that also had a social aspect to it eg athletics, sailing, sea cadets. He has a great group of friends now. He’s 16 and busy with friends most weekends now. Honestly, don’t beat yourself up. He’ll find his tribe.

I suggest you try to have a word with his teacher, or drop an email asking, to find out how the teacher perceives things.
It could be because
. he is just missing out on invites now parties are smaller
. other parents are vetoing him (unlikely)
. his behaviour means others don't like him as much as you think
. he is just 'different' / not on same wavelength (eg not into same things, or some possibly SEN)
If you can identify reasons you have a chance of working through it, or finding activities out of school to widen friendship choice.

It's heartbreaking. Mine had similar issues due to points 1 & 4.

OP am i right in thinking there's been 3 months of this school year and he's already been invited to 4 or 5 birthday parties - that really doesn't sound like some kind of disaster!

It's probably due to smaller parties and mum's being friends with other mum's and their children being invited on that basis.

Your DS has a a few good friends and that's all anyone needs, he's absolutely fine. If you pick him up from school and are hearing from mums that there have been parties could you just ask their child to come for a play? Just say that your ds has asked.

Stop overthinking it, you're a single mum working and doing your best and from everything you say your ds sounds like he is absolutely fine.

Don’t forget that they tend to split into single sex and smaller group parties around this age so naturally there are less parties.

But in general OP if you want him to be included and invited for play dates you need to get the know the other parents and invite their DC to play and for parties. You may not see the school mums on a regular basis but at primary there are always opportunities to connect with the other parents - class whatsapp, parents drinks, summer and Christmas fair, music concerts, nativity etc. You need to put yourself out there and make connections which will help your son’s social life.

My DC was only invited to two parties last year, and none yet this year. Hardly any playdates either. I do feel a bit bad for them as they invite 7 or 8 kids to their parties. I try not to think about it, they seem happy enough at school and as long as yours is too then that's fine. Please don't feel guilty about playdates when you can't do them because of your hours.

DD is 7 and she doesn't get many invites either - most of the invites she gets are the few remaining whole class parties. We always prioritise going to those, even if we've booked something else. It means she gets a handful of invites through the year. We always do a whole class party too, but we don't get invites in return.

I don't think it's a matter of her being unpopular, it's just that the classes have settled into groups and unfortunately her two closest friends from school don't do parties at all (I think they just celebrate with family). We don't get many play date invites and I'm not the type to initiate them, but we always accept any that are offered.

I don't think DD dwells on it too much. We have a busy family life and she isn't stuck at home feeling lonely. Just enjoy the time you have for family trips out and activities that are easiest done one to one (we go to theme parks, day trips out of town and theatre a lot, and I wouldn't want to do that as a play date!)

If there are times when organising a play date is feasible, then try it. Weekends or whatever. But don't worry or overthink this , it'll all come out in the end.

If he has been invited to 5 parties 1/3 of the way through the year that actually sounds like quite a few? Assuming 30 children in a class and each child invites 10 children you would expect to be invited to roughly 10 parties a year so 3 or 4 a term?

I would start inviting his friends over to play. I think that does help strengthen friendships.

It's tough when your child is being left out. It may just be he is not one of these children's closest friends, which is ok. My DS is 6 and hasn't been to any parties yet this year. He is going to one in December. We will probably have a party at home to keep costs down and only invite 4 or 5 friends. We will have to 'leave out' people he gets on fairly well with, purely due tk numbers.

If you have wider concerns your DS is having difficulty making friends, I would talk to the school, but it sounds like he does have friends.

It's only December - when in the school year do his friends birthdays fall? DS2 has been to lots of parties this year as all his friends seem to have November birthdays. DS1s friends birthdays are nearly all in the Spring so he has only been to 2 parties this year.

Also, it might be that his friends are not having a party this year, I alternate - so DS2 had a big class birthday last year (reception) but we are just having a family day out this year (year 1).

Why would you be a fool for asking for a play date?

I agree with a pp that 5 this academic year is a lot, I really don't think that this is something to worry about

You have my sympathy. We had this with DS1. One of the Mums of a girl he played with every day told a mutual friend that he wasn’t invited to her party even though her DD ‘really likes playing with DS1, but I’m not friends with DelurkingAJ, she doesn’t do pick up.’ After bringing her daughter and younger sibling to our smallish at home party for DS1 that year. I still think much the less of her for it.

Hold tight. DS1 is 13 and has a small, close group of mates now.

Honestly in a year or two you will look back on this and shrug as it really is just a transition to quality over quantity. If he has friends and is happy at school that is all you need to concern yourself with. Also please stop judging yourself so harshly!

If he's been invited to 4 parties since September then that's pretty good innings.

Parties are often about who you invite yourself. When is your son's birthday? Have a big party and invite lots of people.

OP don't beat yourself up. It sounds like DS is doing well!

There will always be parties that your child is not invited to once they move up in the school because the number of children invited gets smaller. And its great that your DS considers lots of children his friends.

If you find it hard to do playdates (and you are not the only one I promise) when the weather gets warmer why not try a general park invitation one weekend. Just send a message to several parents saying DS and I will be at x park from 2pm on Saturday. If you are free please come and join us. Even if no one is free to come, you and DS can still have a good time. And its low pressure.

Another alternative is over the holidays you could ask another working parent if you can swop child care days ie you have their child for a day and they take DS for a day.

Remind yourself this is why they say parenting is so hard. The emotional pressure and fear that you are screwing up your kids is huge. But you sound like you are doing a great job.

No I meant 5 this calendar year, since January. I know I sound petty but upsetting when consistently I overhear the adults or children talking about parties, or a few times me or DC is asked if we are going to so and so's party by another child or parent.

Kindly op I think you are overthinking this. My dc are now 7 and 10 and haven’t been to a party this academic year. Their last invites were for parties in July. I am not remotely concerned. They both have small friendship groups. Ds10’s close friends have had their birthdays in the last couple of months and they did days out rather than parties. Ds7’s close friends have birthdays later in the academic year. As long as your dc’s best friends are not having parties and excluding your child it really is nothing to worry about. This is exactly the age where children just choose a few friends for a small party so naturally most kids in the class won’t make the cut. Please don’t think of it as exclusionary, it’s just that your child isn’t close enough to the kids who are having the parties. I have noticed that the kids who are active in the sports clubs etc, tend to have more parties. I don’t know if that’s a personality thing or if it’s just that they have more friends due to doing more activities. Either way it really isn’t anything to worry about.

I’d suggest hosting play dates every month or so at your house for a couple of your DS’s friends. For your peace of mind if nothing else.

OP don’t upset yourself about missing play dates or the like. We could never do them and I wasn’t part of any Mums circles so I know our DD missed out there.

however as others have mentioned, get your Son involved in activities outside of school that you can manage. Ours was a sport and it opened new opportunities for her.

ultimately towards the end of her schooling life it had been a good thing to do as the school group had split. A couple of different reasons for that, but in short because DD had outside interests, the impact in her was little to none.

had she been solely involved in school friendships, the outcome would have been very different. She has gone on post school with other things, and doing very well IMO.