Help with tricky ds10!

[Senmum10]

We have a ds10 who can be really really tricky. By which I mean he is extremely argumentative and sensitive, so much so that conversations can (and often do) turn on a dime into a row, and now matter how hard his dad and I try to be patient and kind, somehow just keep on happening! He’s always been a bit like this but it’s definitely got worse in the last year or so. It’s not just the argumentativeness/rudeness that happens in the first place but also that if you try to explain to him how you feel about the behaviour he will make it clear he doesn’t get it, doesn’t care, roll his eyes, has to have the last word etc.

I suspect he is probably borderline autistic - he was tested once and we were told he isn’t - if he is then it is very borderline but this may explain it a bit - he genuinely doesn’t seem to get it sometimes, and really struggles to change his responses. And I don’t want to erode his confidence or trust in us with these endless arguments either!

He may well not be autistic, and some of this may of course just be challenging behaviour from a ten year old! In any case we need to address it.

Would love thoughts or advice, thanks!

Remember that it takes two to argue so you're equally responsible when a conversation turns into a row.

Do you have very clear expectations/house rules? That are consistently reinforced with clear, consistent, preferably natural consequences? That's what I would look at first.

I think the best thing you can do is teach and train him to be patient.

@mmsnet I see you aren’t one to allow scrolling past get in the way of insulting someone.

By which I mean he is extremely argumentative and sensitive, so much so that conversations can (and often do) turn on a dime into a row, and now matter how hard his dad and I try to be patient and kind, somehow just keep on happening!

It takes two to argue obviously. What are you actually saying to each other? It might be helpful to describe the conversation so people can advise.

Thank you, yes it’s quite hard to describe because it sort of feels like it’s everything and sometimes quite subtle. But here are some examples from just this morning. I go in to DS’s bedroom to say good morning and remind him to get dressed. By the third time of asking him to get dressed ten minutes later, he finally starts doing so but immediately asks if he can do the quiz from his comic book on me and I say no darling just wait until you’re dressed and downstairs and then yes we can definitely do the quiz. He talks back crossly and says things like “why?” “How silly” “I just don’t get it…” I repeat myself calmly and try not to talk about it anymore but he keeps asking me why we can’t do the quiz NOW. I repeat myself calmly and he rolls his eyes, and asks me to leave his room (I’d previously been talking to him about his book and trying to hang out - asking me to leave his room his punishment basically for not doing exactly what he wants ie the quiz at the time he wanted it).

Not long after that he then got cross with me and his dad for asking what he meant by the class advent calendar. We said “oh how does that work?” because it didn’t sound like a regular advent calendar. He said “what do you mean you don’t understand?” Even though he’d offered no explanation, and was just sort of harumphing around. (He generally seems to find it inexplicable when we don’t understand things that he already knows.)

sorry for the long explanation but as you can see it’s sometimes quite small stuff but that’s precisely the point. It’s relentless, and no matter how calm we are he just goes on and on. And it feels quite horrible. I guess people experience this sort of thing a bit more with teenagers but he’s been doing it since he was nine and I’m just never sure how much to be like “oh well!” as parents sometimes are with teenagers, or to alert him to the fact that he’s actually being quite rude and unpleasant.

and eg this morning I can see him go off to school just feeling like he’s been told off all morning and I worry about that and his confidence because I’m not sure he understands. But also I worry that he’s being unpleasant and it’s not very nice for me/us!

From that small snapshot you've given I can well imagine how exhausting this is.

One of my teen has been in autistic burnout and we have had to completely change the way we interact with him. Low demand, look to build connection, work with his interests. We spend hours each day talking about what he wants to talk about. It is not ideal because obviously an employer is not going to do that, but it gets us through.

I might have compromised on the quiz, or at least explained why I was saying no or negotiating. From a PDA child's standpoint for example they might hear a "top down" demand to get dressed before x as an arbitrary demand that threatens their autonomy. He's a bit old for "do you want to do the quiz before or after breakfast" and "no quiz until after breakfast" clearly isn't working but could you explain that you can't do the quiz now because you need to do y, but if he cracks on with getting dressed by himself you can both do it together over breakfast.

I get it though, it's not one single thing it's the constant barrage all day every day. It sounds like he is actually "sitting" at quite a high stress level day to day and you will find him way less spiky and unpredictable if you can get his background stress level down a bit. The received wisdom of how to do this is lowering demands at the moment, and build more connection and regulation through the day. It's what we go with because literally nothing else works, but it is also quite high demand on us as parents in many ways.