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Original poster

The grandparent/grandchild relationship

28 replies

Respos · 01/12/2025 17:14

How much do you encourage the relationship between your parents and their grandchildren? Do you need to make all the plans to ensure they have a relationship or are they more forthcoming in offering help with childcare or even just visiting?

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 01/12/2025 17:23

If you see them regularly, you don’t need to do anything else. Relationships develop out of spending time together, and that doesn’t need to be childcare.

I spent time with my parents and in-laws before I had children and that didn’t change once I’d had them. The days out became more child friendly and the pub lunches got swapped for tea at home more often, but otherwise we just carried on what we’d always done.

Pottersciderbar82 · 01/12/2025 17:28

It’s completely none existent on both sides as both sets of grandparents have zero interest in our kids.

Maxorias · 01/12/2025 17:31

I don't. If GP aren't interested I won't force it. We live far away but even if we didn't, I wouldn't artificially engineer a relationship if their hearts aren't in it. If they showed any desire for a relationship I'd do what I can to facilitate, but I won't "make it happen".

They are completely uninterested, which is unfortunate but that's what it is.

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Families
Sonolanona · 01/12/2025 19:49

I'm a grandparent.
I'm very fortunate that DD2 moved home after Uni and found her dream job here so she lives 5 mins drive away.
I care for the 4 yr old and 10m old two long days a week and see them every day after school as DGS's school is a minute's walk from my door and he runs here every day! It's tiring, but my home is their second home (and looks it!) and I can confidently say I am the third most important person in their life. I love it, I love being with them and watching them grow and develop. I also still work in education and enjoy helping with his early phonics and writing skills.

If they lived further away I would hope to visit as often as was convenient for my DD2 and to help out.

However my Gran lived a distance away and was a teacher, so only saw her in school holidays, and we also had a very loving relationship because she made huge efforts to spend time with me.

I think it's a two way process... both sides need to make an effort!

hiredandsqueak · 01/12/2025 20:03

I saw grandson be born, I looked after him when dd went back to work, I've seen him every week of his life. He has a birthday party here with family and another one with his friends. He will be here for Christmas as he has been for every Christmas. It's been a joy to be such a big part in his life and he is happy and secure knowing he is very loved and dd feels supported and knows that she has help whenever she might need it so it's been win win all round.

Spottyskunk · 01/12/2025 21:58

I'm a grandma raising a gc. It's a joy and a privilege to watch her grow up and know she is safe and loved

Crispynoodle · 01/12/2025 22:04

I currently have my DGS aged 6 having a sleepover his brother ran into my bedroom at theirs to give me a hug before school and they both ran in to give me cuddles after school! My DD actually lives across one small ocean but we do see each other very often during the year we also face time all the time

Pottersciderbar82 · 02/12/2025 06:38

what lovely lovely grandparents you are.
I wish that my children had such a warm, caring relationship with our parents.

It makes me quite sad.

PersephoneParlormaid · 02/12/2025 06:42

My DM and MIL died first leaving the grandfathers. They were great when the kids were little, but once they got to teens the relationship drifted. FIL didn’t see my kids for about 5 years before he died, and my DF only saw them occasionally.

mrssunshinexxx · 02/12/2025 06:46

@Pottersciderbar82 same. My mum died when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first and she would’ve been an incredible grandma and support for me. Left with in-laws that aren’t fussed

Jannie62 · 02/12/2025 07:35

mrssunshinexxx · 02/12/2025 06:46

@Pottersciderbar82 same. My mum died when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first and she would’ve been an incredible grandma and support for me. Left with in-laws that aren’t fussed

You poor love. This has brought a tear to my eye. X

mrssunshinexxx · 02/12/2025 12:59

@Jannie62 thank you for your empathy x

Sprogonthetyne · 02/12/2025 13:03

I found I was always the one pushing and arranging things, despite my DM been more activity involved with my sisters DC. In the end we had words about it, she denies doing such a thing but since I stopped being the one pushing it she hasn't rang me or asked about DC since August

MightyGoldBear · 02/12/2025 13:52

We visit and that's it. We live very close by and yet still they don't visit or offer childcare. All 4 retired one offers weekly childcare for my siblings but isn't interested in mine.

It's really sad but I only want people in my children's lives who really want to know them and love them. So we no longer bother much at all. Ironically both sets had help with childcare from parents so I can only assume they don't understand how hard it is without or never wanted to be parents in the first place so definitely don't want to be grandparents. When pregnant it was all lots of interest and ill do xyz with them. Mil even somehow got put out she thought she wouldn't be involved at all so we really prioritised seeing them and her involvement. Only to realise she just likes baby newborn cuddles that's it.

Karatema · 02/12/2025 15:33

We see our DGC as often as we can considering they all live at least, 4 hours drive away, and we work full-time.
I childmind as often as I can and we have a good relationship with all our DGC even the stroppy teenager!
However, we are the only DGP our DGC see regularly, either due to the other DGP being very elderly or NC so we try to ensure our DGC don’t miss out! I was worried we’d be sidelined but that hasn’t been the case because the in-laws want their DC to have memories of all the DGP (except one!)

Mary46 · 02/12/2025 15:47

Nice to have nice gps. Mine older now. They wouldnt see much of her nothing for them at xmas. Think you reap what you sow. My mil is lovely. My mam hasnt big interest in them. Its sad

newbluesofa · 03/12/2025 10:32

For us it's both. It's difficult for us to balance as my husband's parents and mine are both split up, so there are 4 sets of grandparents so we are pretty much always seeing one of them! But we both get along with our parents, so we arrange to see each other for the adults as well as the children. Sometimes we reach out to organise and sometimes they do. My parents are younger so still work full time so no childcare, also we've arranged our setup to not rely on grandparents for it. But a couple of times we've asked if one of them would mind having our oldest (3) for a day and they've been fine about it. It think the grandparent/grandchild relationship very much depends on how good your own relationship is with them.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/12/2025 10:39

It think the grandparent/grandchild relationship very much depends on how good your own relationship is with them.

It also depends on grandparents state of health, available time, ability to entertain small children, etc. With many grandparents nowadays still working, you can have an excellent relationship but between parents working, children in nursery, grandparents also working - finding times in busy schedules isn't always easy, despite everyone being willing.

Add some health concerns to the mix and a bit of geographical distance and it's even harder.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 03/12/2025 10:46

mrssunshinexxx · 02/12/2025 06:46

@Pottersciderbar82 same. My mum died when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my first and she would’ve been an incredible grandma and support for me. Left with in-laws that aren’t fussed

I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm similar, but was not pg at the time. We were just ttc so i was pg a few months after. having Dc with no support was horrible. ILs were uninterested but to be fair got much better as DC grew up. Dad was clueless. What really killed me was no one to say 'you did that at that age', you were a early / later teether too etc. No reference point for anything. No one at the end of the phone

MannersAreAll · 03/12/2025 10:55

I was brought up by my grandparents and the last of them died when my eldest was 4 so didn't really have a huge chance to be around them (my Nana lived with us when the eldest was born, but had to go into a care home with dementia).

We're very lucky though with in laws.

Eldest two haven't seen their dad for 5 years, but see their grandparents regularly. Their GP's wrote to me about 8 months after their dad left us saying they knew that most of the time it's down to the parent to facilitate the relationship, but their begging of him was getting nowhere. It was a very polite thing at first, I dropped the kids off one Saturday a month. However, then I had an emergency and they properly stepped up for me and the kids. They lambasted their son (they now also haven't seen him for several years) for his shit parenting and have been amazing for the kids. They'll be at my house on Christmas Day and last year when we had a family situation they were part of the village that helped look after my younger children.

My MIL is amazing. FIL was too before he died. She now lives with us and I have a mum. She strikes a perfect balance between giving advice (but never being offended if it's not taken) and not over stepping. She sympathises when needed, never gets involved between DH and I (and the single sole time she did many years ago she was on my side!).

Both MIL and ex MIL treat the six kids in the family equally and it's been amazing - my two adult kids, DH's adult kid, our two younger kids and DN who we are kinship carers for. We're very lucky.

DH's first MIL was also a lovely lady who was incredibly kind to all of us. She died last year and we miss her terribly. I once said that the world definitely seemed determined to make up for my abusive, alcoholic parents by giving me amazing in laws.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/12/2025 10:57

What’s with the obsession with GP’s providing childcare on MN? Most are still working. It’s become so horribly transactional.

follygirl · 03/12/2025 11:03

My dad died when my kids were 3 & 1, he would have loved watching them grow up and I am sad that they never really knew him. Luckily they have a great relationship with my Mum. We’re now NC with my in-laws who are toxic and I’m glad as we are protecting our kids from their toxicity.

dicentra365 · 03/12/2025 11:10

Mine have an amazing relationship with my parents. They never did regular childcare, but have always been there in a tight spot for school pick ups, emergencies and are just generally wonderfully supportive.
My eldest is 15 and goes over to their house under his own steam once a week after school to have dinner, my mum, who is a retired teacher is putting considerable effort into supporting his GCSE revision!
My in-laws, who are nice people, have been a bit more arms length, but they do have other grandchildren they are more involved with.

phantomofthepopera · 03/12/2025 11:16

It’s a thin line. You’ll often see pp complaining that their ILs (usually ILs but sometimes their parents) are putting pressure on them to visit their grandchildren. But others complain that the grandparents don’t bother. You also read of women banning grandparents from visiting when baby is born, or having very rigid rules around visits. This gives the impression that grandparents aren’t welcome, but they then complain that the GPs aren’t making an effort.

People lead busy lives. When I was little we visited our grandparents every single Saturday, but they never babysat us. Lots of people wouldn’t have a day a week to give up now. Lots of people won’t make time to visit unless they’re getting childcare in return.

There needs to be a compromise on both sides. Why do people not talk to their families? If you’d like more contact, let them know. If they’re expecting too much, let them know. Try and find a solution that works for everyone.

Sunnyside4 · 03/12/2025 11:19

DD used to see grandparents on get togethers, the odd planned day trip, a couple of times a year when I'd meet my Mum or MIL for coffee as she was with me, and a couple of times a year Mums would babysit. None of them ever expressed an interest in having her overnight or taking her out anywhere (we were lucky she was well behaved and easy to entertain, just leave with a book or the TV uf you needed to do something, so nothing to do with that). Grandparents all lived within three miles of eachother. We didn't want to push it.