How do you deal with the fact that the last twenty years of your life were probably a big mistake?

[Imadeamistakelife]

So not sure where to start.

DH and my relationship was perfect at first. Then after about seven months he told me his ex who he split up with just before we got together had a baby.

He said he didn't tell me before because he thought she was going to have an abortion and the baby probably wasn't his anyway.

This was a massive shock obviously and I was really upset. We'd been making plans to go travelling abroad, probably even living abroad. It was my big dream and he seemed completely on board with it but if it turned out the baby was his then how could he? He insisted there was only a tiny chance it was.

Anyway he said he was going to have to keep in touch with her and get a DNA test as soon as possible. He didn't tell many people at that time, just me and s couple of his close friends. Time passed and he didn't get a DNA test he said she wouldn't let him.

Then she contacted his parents without his permission to tell them they had a grandchild and she implied they were still a couple. He said she was lying, she was delusional and desperate, she was jealous of me and he didn't know why she thought they were still together. I believed him but now I don't know if I should of. He said he wouldn't be involved with the baby if I didn't want him to after that. I really didn't want him to but I didn't want to be the b*h who came between a father and child.

So anyway he started having the baby stay with him and paying her child support. I know I'll get flamed for this but I really resented his ex for forcing me into a parenting role before I was ready and for destroying my dreams of living abroad. It seemed so unfair that we were spending our weekends staying in with her baby while she was going out all the time.

I thought when I met him we were going to have an exciting fun life together but instead everything's been a struggle. I thought he was going to try hard to prove I didn't make a mistake by giving up my dreams for him but instead I feel like I'm the one having to prove he was right to choose me over his ex. I spent my entire adult life so far caring for other people. His ex's child, my child and now my parents and in laws as well. And it's mostly been me caring not DH. And now we're in debt because he's useless with money.

Twenty years ago I thought his ex was jealous of me for being the one he chose. Now I'm jealous of her for being the one he didn't choose.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and just break up with him as soon as he told me about the baby but then I wouldn't have my child and I do actually love DH and my step child too even though life would of been easier without them.

You done the pick me dance op and karma came back.
You have to think of what you really want now, you cant change the past but you can make a good future.
If you love your husband and want to be with him you have to let the past go.

Therapy.

All you can do is learn that men will always use the "she's making me do/she's mental/she is jealous" bollocks to hide the fact they've massively fucked up and are too cowardly to own their own shit.

Move on, grow and never get dicked about by a man again - that's the life lesson. Make sure you are a good friend to anyone also doing the Pick Me girl dance and warn them. We need to stand up for each other and recognise men need to start working on themselves, because we see them.

It sounds like the baby from another relationship is a fairly small part of this. It sounds like the relationship is no longer working for you and that’s the key thing.

I’d leave him now and work towards making the life I actually wanted ! free yourself from joint finances with someone shit with money

travel with your child!

You said you love him still so what’s the issue?

Not moving abroad etc was your choice and your choice alone

No good resenting him! Anyway you can still travel when your child has grown up

I’m afraid he played you with that “I will step away if you say the word” line op. Putting the decision on to you and sucking you in. From that point on, you were involved.

If the child was his, he should have stepped up irrespective of what you thought.

And the conversation should have revolved around taking a break until he had his life in order and was in a position to be a committed partner to you. That would have given you a clear chance to walk away.

You also bear some responsibility for being too passive and amenable but it’s easy when you are young not to value yourself sufficiently to defend your own interests and draw boundaries.

The question is, what do you want now op? A fresh start?

To live alone with your child for a while? Explore your own priorities and interests? Live life how you want to live it?

Can you support you and your child financially?

You sound like a lovely person. But you can choose to step away from being as involved with your ss’s life and with your pils if you want. You don’t need permission.

If you don’t want to do that, and you want to stay with your dh, then you need to come to some form of acceptance that your life hasn’t turned out how you envisaged it, but you can now explore ways of living it more authentically for yourself, within the confines of what is realistic, and what would those changes look like?

Edited to say that I agree with others that this sounds like you resent your dh and that is getting in the way of moving forward?

Well, if i genuinely felt id wasted 20 years of my life, I'd use that to motivate me to not throw good years after bad

I don’t understand why if you resented the ex/baby situation, you’d stay with the guy and then have more children? If you wanted to travel and be free, you could have, unless I’m missing something? You were only 7 months in when the step-baby was announced?

All you can do is move on from this point rather than being resentful. If, god forbid, your family were taken away it would give some perspective. It’s a blessing to have a family, parents, in laws etc., and having that takes work.

That's a lot of time you had to change course. The ex didn't make you do anything, your DH influenced you and you allowed yourself to fall victim to him influence. Your starting point is accepting responsibility for your own actions. Once you've done that, you can move onto a life where you put yourself first in the practicalities of life. Sounds like you've always done whatever you chose to; just make different choices from now on.

List all of your values. Expand and explain why.

List the people you love and those you love spending time with.

At the end of the day those things are what matters. Your ability to live by your values and look yourself in the eye (in the mirror). And sharing time with those you love.

Make sure you live every day by your values. And actively appreciate those you love/love spending time with. Call them more. Tell them how you feel. Arrange more things with them. And journal every day - 3 things I enjoyed today. Be very specific. Had coffee with daughter, she reminded me of that time we xxxxxx

Does you husband fit in with your values and people you love being with?

Then write down things you enjoy - do more of them.

Personally that’s where I would start.

Question - could it actually be his poor values/choices/personality traits that you have issue with? Because I think I would have, lying early on, you doing the donkey work, poor money choices. As I’ve got older I find poor personality traits very hard to overlook tbh. I would think and maybe journal on this (burn it afterwards).

I don't know if I genuinely feel I've wasted twenty years of my life. I do love DH and though we struggled it's not been all bad. I'm just having a bad day. It's cold and wet and I'm worried about turning the heating on because of the bills and I'm thinking I'm supposed to be living somewhere warm and sunny now not stuck here in the same boring town I grew up in in the middle of winter.

I know it looks like after only seven months it should of been easy to walk away but up til he told me about the baby everything was so perfect we had so much in common we had so many plans for the future. He was my soul mate and I'd never get that connection with anyone else.

I am annoyed that he made it my decision whether or not he stayed involved with his baby. At the time it felt flattering but now I know my opinion shouldn't of counted for anything in that.

I don't think we'll ever get to do any proper travelling. We waited so long to be able to afford a child and then it took so long to conceive that by the time DC is an adult DH will be in his sixties. Moneys an issue too we couldn't even afford a short holiday this year.

Making it your decision whether he stayed involved with his baby was a HUGE red flag.

But forget about decisions past. You can't really think that the past 20 years were a waste? Separate out the individual memories from the "story" - how many happy ones Vs sad ones are there? You would have been bound to have been unhappy for some reason in some of those times.

I'm not saying you can't leave your marriage and change your life, but it might help to reframe the past 20 years.

You are massively projecting and missing the real issue. It's not about the choices you made in your past. You are worried about money and sad that life feels a but hard / has felt a bit hard. What you now need to do is look forward, what will bring you joy for the next 20 years?

I know I shouldn't be dwelling on the past and how things could of been different. It's not like the last twenty years have all been awful just not what I dreamt of.

Maybe things wouldn't of worked out if I'd moved abroad anyway.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't really be resentful to my step child's mother. She didn't force me to be a step mother. It's just that seven months into our perfect relationship a baby was suddenly dropped in the middle of it and it felt like a savotage which I know is stupid. It's not like she got pregnant deliberately to ruin my life when she'd never even met me and neither has DH at that point.

It sounds like he dumped a lot of the parenting of HIS child on you.

I think you should look at some things you'd like to do with your life and take steps to make is happen, with or without him.

@Imadeamistakelife
Have you any relationship with the step child's mother?

really resented his ex for forcing me into a parenting role before I was ready and for destroying my dreams of living abroad. It seemed so unfair that we were spending our weekends staying in with her baby while she was going out all the time

Mate, nobody forced you into anything. You made your choices. You put your dreams aside and you chose to stay with him and be a step parent.

You can't even begin to sort it all out until you accept that fundamental fact.

btw it's could have, would have, not of

Does your name start with an M?