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Original poster

Invited to significant birthday party but can’t afford gift

36 replies

ChocHotolate · 01/12/2025 12:16

The mother of a good friend of mine has kindly invited my family to her 70th birthday party. My friend and her family are much more wealthy than I am.

I asked my friend if there was anything her mum would like and she sent a few suggestions through, starting price £75.
That is a very significant amount of money for me, not an amount I would usually spend on this sort of gift.

Im thinking of pulling out of going to the party as I am really embarrassed about this.

Help

OP posts:
TheDenimPoet · 01/12/2025 12:17

Take a card and a box of chocolates, it's absolutely fine. Don't worry about it. I promise!

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 01/12/2025 12:19

Omg, the friend and mother would be mortified to think they'd put you under pressure.

Attend with a smile and a box of chocs or a bottle of cremant.

Mumblechum0 · 01/12/2025 12:21

I’m sure the lady asked you because she wants your company, not a gift.

Don’t pull out, go with a nice card and small token gift like a plant, chocolates, etc

i always appreciate gloves as gifts, some nice woolly gloves from M and S would be perfect

Thesoundofmusic23 · 01/12/2025 12:23

Go to the party. Take a card, write a personal message and say thank you so much for including me it really means a lot. That’s it. I try never to give and receive according to the wealth of the recipient but by my own situation. I also think that personal effort, showing up, making a card, writing a poem etc count more than blindly spending money.

If you feel you have to take something M&S do some stunning boxes of chocs for £20 or spend £15 on a nice bottle and put a bow on it. Don’t overthink it.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2025 12:23

do not pull out

are they really the sort of friends who care more about the present?

what did your friend suggest and maybe we can help you find an affordable alt? what is your budget?

a card and chocolate/ wine / flowers is perfectly acceptable

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2025 12:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2025 12:23

do not pull out

are they really the sort of friends who care more about the present?

what did your friend suggest and maybe we can help you find an affordable alt? what is your budget?

a card and chocolate/ wine / flowers is perfectly acceptable

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2025 12:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2025 12:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2025 12:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

redskydelight · 01/12/2025 12:25

I agree with taking a small gift only.

However this is something I've not experienced - at 60/70/80 birthday parties I've been to, guests are asked not to bring anything as the birthday person already has everything they need and just wants the pleasure of the guest's company.
A gift list starting at £75 sounds extremely grabby!

Everleigh13 · 01/12/2025 12:26

If you want to go I’d still go, take a present you can afford and think nothing more of it.

I’d probably spend a tenner on something like this. We don’t give big presents in my family so I wouldn’t have spent something like that even on my closest family.

Also, I wouldn’t bother asking what people want for a gift next time. I always just give what I think is appropriate and I find it easier that way.

BillieWiper · 01/12/2025 12:27

A potted plant or some flowers costing under a tenner and a card is fine.

It's outrageous to expect people to spend £75 plus on someone they don't know very well. Many people wouldn't even spend that on their own family?!

coolcahuna · 01/12/2025 12:47

Honestly a card and a nice bottle of prosecco will be lovely . Don't overthink , she probably won't even notice too much who gives what !

DappledThings · 01/12/2025 12:52

The friend is the one who should be embarrassed for providing a list that has nothing reasonably priced on it. Go with a card and a book token or something. You do not need to buy something expensive and absolutely shouldn't feel you can't go.

2dogsandabudgie · 01/12/2025 12:54

If she has a garden what about a plant, you can get some lovely ones that look more expensive than they cost, like a rose for example.

333FionaG · 01/12/2025 12:58

I agree with all of the above. A card and a bottle of fizz, and/or chocolates will be fine. I'm sure the birthday girl would be saddened to think people are thinking of declining her invitation because they haven't got £75 spare for a present.

tokennamechange · 01/12/2025 12:59

Justputsomeyoghurtonit · 01/12/2025 12:19

Omg, the friend and mother would be mortified to think they'd put you under pressure.

Attend with a smile and a box of chocs or a bottle of cremant.

Tge mum might not expect it, but I can't imagine the friend would be that mortified given she's the one who has gone straight into suggesting expensive gifts!

Surely normal etiquette is to very clearly specify "please don't think you need to bring anything at all, it's not expected, but if you do want to, some ideas are [list of options at varying price points, not starting at £75]!"

Friend sounds incredibly grabby to me.

Fionasapples · 01/12/2025 13:04

tokennamechange · 01/12/2025 12:59

Tge mum might not expect it, but I can't imagine the friend would be that mortified given she's the one who has gone straight into suggesting expensive gifts!

Surely normal etiquette is to very clearly specify "please don't think you need to bring anything at all, it's not expected, but if you do want to, some ideas are [list of options at varying price points, not starting at £75]!"

Friend sounds incredibly grabby to me.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree, I was invited to a big 80th party. I asked the birthday man's daughter what to buy him and she said nothing, he just wants to see you enjoy his party. I mentioned to his wife I'd like to get him something small and she said "get him crystal glasses"!
OP I agree with PP, a lovely card and some really nice chocolates would be the ideal gift.

Delatron · 01/12/2025 13:04

Friend is very rude. Take a card and a small gift. Either wine, candle, chocolates etc. Don’t overthink it. It’s not a wedding - I can’t believe they have a gift list starting at £75!!
Grabby and not great etiquette at all. You can’t buy class it appears…

Original poster
ChocHotolate · 01/12/2025 13:08

Thank you. I usually for MN there appears to be a consensus.
ChocHotolate shall be going to the ball (party)

OP posts:
Kitmanic · 01/12/2025 13:11

I might be rethinking the friendship tbh. Who suggests gifts like that?!

Of course it's fine to go with a bottle of wine, chocolates, a plant or nothing tbh.

Kitmanic · 01/12/2025 13:12

I've been to some lovely birthday parties in some very fancy venues. I don't know anyone who'd spend £75 on a gift in this situation

RampantIvy · 01/12/2025 13:17

I imagine a well off 70 year old has everything she wants and needs. In this case she wants your presence not your presents.

I'm glad you have decided to go.

I am going to a 70th later this month and am making her a birthday cake. All agreed with family BTW.

Kitmanic · 01/12/2025 13:25

Are you sure she wasn't telling you about some of the things family might be getting for her?

IME the last thing people throwing a big bash for significant birthday want is load of presents, expensive or otherwise.

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