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Please critique the start of my personal statement!

12 replies

CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 17:58

Throw-away user name. I'm applying for a Civil Service job as a route out of teaching. Is this strong enough and which criteria would you use it for if so from this list:

  • Organisational Skills
  • Collaborative Skills
  • Planning Skills
  • Self-development

Situation:
Students at the large FE college I was a Programme Lead at needed to cover ten Induction units including Safeguarding, Equality and Diversity, use of AI and Behaviour Expectations. In previous years members of staff had worked through all ten with their group of students. Learners became bored and disengaged, and staff were overwhelmed with planning and delivering all ten units. We had high levels of disruption and numbers of students who did not return for afternoon sessions
Task
I took on the over-haul of the Induction process for the 250 students.
Action
I sent out a survey prior to Induction to gather student data and, based on this, split students into ten groups and spread staff across ten rooms. I allocated support staff due to educational needs outlined in the survey and produced a timetable that allowed movement breaks between each session.

We worked together via a channel on Teams so that resources could be added to collaboratively and each member of staff chose and delivered one session to each group.
Results
Behaviour, staff satisfaction and student retention all improved following the implementation of this new approach. We were able to monitor attendance to each session using QR sign in codes and a shared register spreadsheet.

Thank you!!

OP posts:
Rictasmorticia · 30/11/2025 18:02

I think it is very good. The only thing I would say is that overhaul is one word.

CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:03

Rictasmorticia · 30/11/2025 18:02

I think it is very good. The only thing I would say is that overhaul is one word.

Thank you! Can you tell I teach Maths and not English? ;)

OP posts:
DarkSuitsSadSongs · 30/11/2025 18:20

I'm a civil servant (G7) in a project delivery role and have sifted so many applications over the last 6 months for various roles and sat on about 10 interview panels.

What grade is the vacancy?
Is the STAR example for a behaviour? Personal statements are not usually written in such an overt STAR format. For example I love seeing headers in the statement as its easier for sifting. So I would put the header:

Stakeholder Engagement
During my time at XX in role XX I created a new stakeholder engagement strategy blah blah blah.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:21

DarkSuitsSadSongs · 30/11/2025 18:20

I'm a civil servant (G7) in a project delivery role and have sifted so many applications over the last 6 months for various roles and sat on about 10 interview panels.

What grade is the vacancy?
Is the STAR example for a behaviour? Personal statements are not usually written in such an overt STAR format. For example I love seeing headers in the statement as its easier for sifting. So I would put the header:

Stakeholder Engagement
During my time at XX in role XX I created a new stakeholder engagement strategy blah blah blah.

Hi - the role is Project Support Officer. It's a personal statement rather than a CV - I need to write something for each of the bullet points above. I've never applied for a job outside of teaching (25 years) so I'm fumbling a bit!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/11/2025 18:22

CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:03

Thank you! Can you tell I teach Maths and not English? ;)

Edited

Don't know about that, but I can tell you've bunged it through ChatGPT.

Try rewriting it yourself, as the language is clunky.

CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:23

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/11/2025 18:22

Don't know about that, but I can tell you've bunged it through ChatGPT.

Try rewriting it yourself, as the language is clunky.

I 100% haven't! AI has been literally nowhere near it!

OP posts:
CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:28

I was on an 'Information Session' for the role on Friday - the host mentioned using STAR or (I think - the call was a bit manic with interruptions from other candidates) the WHO or How method??

OP posts:
ResusciAnnie · 30/11/2025 18:29

I agree it is quite awkwardly worded (but doesn’t look like AI!).

For example I had to read your first sentence a couple of times. Instead of
Students at the large FE college I was a Programme Lead at needed to cover ten Induction units including Safeguarding, Equality and Diversity, use of AI and Behaviour Expectations.

I would say:

Students of the college at which I was Programme Lead were required to cover ten Induction units, including Safeguarding; Equality and Diversity; use of AI; Behaviour Expectations.

But it depends if the role requires lots of writing etc I suppose and what the recruiter is looking for.

DarkSuitsSadSongs · 30/11/2025 18:29

CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:21

Hi - the role is Project Support Officer. It's a personal statement rather than a CV - I need to write something for each of the bullet points above. I've never applied for a job outside of teaching (25 years) so I'm fumbling a bit!

Edited

I started in May 2024 as an HEO project support officer and I'm recruiting one just now so wondering if its my vacancy 😅

I'd use the bullet points as headers and then give different examples for each. Not in STAR format - just paragraphs.

How many words is the statement? Usually we go for 500/750/1000.

If you google civil service job application personal statement you will get lots of hints and tips.

Civil service job applications are different to private sector and a bit of a dark art that takes practice and research sadly.

CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:31

ResusciAnnie · 30/11/2025 18:29

I agree it is quite awkwardly worded (but doesn’t look like AI!).

For example I had to read your first sentence a couple of times. Instead of
Students at the large FE college I was a Programme Lead at needed to cover ten Induction units including Safeguarding, Equality and Diversity, use of AI and Behaviour Expectations.

I would say:

Students of the college at which I was Programme Lead were required to cover ten Induction units, including Safeguarding; Equality and Diversity; use of AI; Behaviour Expectations.

But it depends if the role requires lots of writing etc I suppose and what the recruiter is looking for.

Thanks - I'll re-word it! I REALLY want the job so I'm nervous even just doing this bit!

OP posts:
CivilServiceWannabe · 30/11/2025 18:33

DarkSuitsSadSongs · 30/11/2025 18:29

I started in May 2024 as an HEO project support officer and I'm recruiting one just now so wondering if its my vacancy 😅

I'd use the bullet points as headers and then give different examples for each. Not in STAR format - just paragraphs.

How many words is the statement? Usually we go for 500/750/1000.

If you google civil service job application personal statement you will get lots of hints and tips.

Civil service job applications are different to private sector and a bit of a dark art that takes practice and research sadly.

Edited

There are more than 20 jobs available for this one ;) Wonder if it's yours!

Word count is 1250. I'm reading every statement I can get my hands on / watching YouTube videos etc and I've gone down so many rabbit holes!

OP posts:
Mathsdebator · 30/11/2025 20:11

No advice - just bumping for you. Good luck, I got out of the classroom last year and will never look back.

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