Were your 40s shitty? Can you tell me about happier 50s?

[Egglio]

I'm 45 and have the full blown anxiety, low mood, hopelessness of perimenopause, on top of a year where my parent nearly died and isn't likely to be around for much longer and my DC have all left home for uni. My job is stressful and doesn't interest me in the slightest, but secure-ish and well paid. I feel absolutely meh.

I have the HRT, just started it this week. But I think what I really need is hope that this isn't what things will be like forever. I'd love to hear from others of how their shitty 40s passed and life got better.

Before anyone says it, I know not everyone has a shitty decade, I know some people glow and glide through it, and I'm truly happy for that. But I'm having a terrible time!

My parent nearly died, then did die a year later. I wish I’d realised that the first one was a warning.
Like you, my kids have all left home, and only contact me when they need something. I end up texting them for a crumb of attention from them, yet they were my whole world not that long ago.
My job is so stressful right now, but I won’t be leaving until I retire as I know what I’m doing and I like my colleagues.
Ive been on HRT for about 5 years now. I initially went on it for the rage and not particularly wanting to go anywhere. The rage is better, I now arrange trips out and I’ve a holiday booked for next year. First one in 5 years!
I think that the problem isn’t just menopause, it’s the life you’ve built changing and realising that life is short, you don’t want to leave your kids. I think accepting that you can’t control the future, and getting a new life, is the way forward. Start thinking about what you want.

From experience - it isn't helpful to pin your hopes on a new decade being miraculously better. My 40s weren't great and I felt similar to you - but my 50s have so far been more of the same. I'm trying to sort out the things I see as being wrong in my life, but I'm not having much luck and some things (issues with elderly unwell parents) are beyond my control.

My advice is to take as much control as you can now rather than waiting for your 50s to come along. Your job is the obvious thing to start with.

It won’t be in your 50tg birthday but I do think ( and I understand this is generally true) that people are least happy in their 40s for all the reasons you have and that people do get happier

being post menopause has really helped me

being financially stable - we went from near panic to feeling flush in a little over a decade. You might be able to relax a bit at work or go part time

more time to focus on you - your health and your hobbies - as you Spend less time caring for others. For some this is difficult as they have forgotten who they are and need to spend time working that out. Many people return to childhood hobbies or start the hobbies they couldn’t afford when small. Travel is also popular

in general to help you feel better think about each of the following
volunteer, something physical, learn something

My 40's were good and my 50's so far are really good. I think it's because I like my job and enjoy meeting up with my friends and going abroad with them for long weekends to Dubrovnik or Bucharest.

address your anxiety first. Apply for a new job. You don't mention anything nice that you do, Do you go out with your friends? Do you have a hobby? Do you want to take up a new interest?

Now that I've finished studying, I plan to eat more in Michelin restaurants and teach myself how to play bridge!

Thank you all, I appreciate the replies. I do have a hobby that I have picked up again and I am enjoying, but I also feel totally knackered. I think it is the job bringing me down too, to be fair DC are quite good at keeping in touch, I don't want them to feel responsible for me, I want them to go have fun!

I'm going to have a think today about how to find a new job. It's hard to let go of something steady, I need to be a bit braver!

No, my 40s have been the best decade yet. I’m also 45, there is a touch of perimenopause yes, and I have cancer (that does suck).

But career wise, I’m finally doing things I enjoy and not shit that makes me miserable. I’ve been able to travel more again. Apart from the cancer (which is just bad luck), my health is probably the best it’s been since I was a teen. I’m down to a weight I haven’t been since I got married (just through healthy living, no WLI). I have time again for things I enjoy. Dh and I don’t get loads of quality time together without the dc, but we do get to do nice things on occasion (lunches out, very rare night away every couple years). We like each other and like life as a family, even though it’s busy.

I know a lot more what I want now and what to prioritise at 45 than at 35, when I just felt like I was treading water constantly.

Absolutely agree with changing up your job situation. My job made me completely miserable. Then I got sick and I lost it. 20 year career just, poof, disappeared. It’s fantastic. I’m doing different work now, retraining, starting up self employed. I can’t tell you the difference it’s made.

Thank you @mindutopia, I appreciate your perspective and I think I'm in danger of just being stuck in a bit of an 'I'm past it' mindset, when that isn't true. Lots of mention of travel here too and I think I probably do need a holiday, not been anywhere since early 2019. Time to reconsider my goals!

My forties were a nightmare of aging, ill and dying parents, menopause and a career that was well past its sell by date.

I wish someone had told me that the real shit that comes with menopause doesn't last forever but that you come out of it the other side. This has definitely been the case for me and my friends and I would say we are all happier and more comfortable in our skin than we were before. The 'no fucks left to give' joy of post menopause can't be overstated.

In my late 40s I made a conscious decision to make the next stage of my life count. I dropped everything that wasn't working for me any more including worrying, alcohol, eating crap, people who made me feel bad about myself and the job.

I started exercising (I swim in the sea every day and walk or cycle everywhere), retrained for a new career in an area which had always been my hobby and started my own business. I made time for people who really matter to me and I made time for me for the first time ever really. Sorted my finances out and downsized to free up money and spend less time cleaning and stuff.

My 40s were a real low for me and then transformational. You still have time, energy and the future can be an open book. If you put the work in at that stage I honestly believe the best is in front of you. Anything is possible. I'm in my 60s now and when I look back I'm so grateful and content for how life has turned out.

I’ve concluded that in your 20s and 30s you have hope but by 40s you’ve witnessed so much bs you realise how crap the people at the top are and how you can’t actually change things. That’s my experience. I now work 9-5 and plan things outside work that make me happy. I don’t hate my job but I’m definitely of the opinion I’m a number on a spreadsheet. Constant threat of redundancy and “difficult decisions to be made” are not very motivating (NHS - if you want the very best from your team, treat them better!).

My 40's were pretty crap. My mum died just before I turned 40, I left my husband when I was 43, just me and my 11 year old at the time trying to find somewhere to live, and my dad died when I was 49. So probably the worst decade for me.

My 50's are great. I am happily single, loads of friends, and have discovered the joys of solo travelling - oh and I got a dog who really has made the world of difference, she is like my best mate. So yeah, for me, being in my 50's is great. I don't tolerate other peoples bullshit anymore, whereas before I was very much a I dont want to hurt anyones feelings kind of person. It's very liberating and I love being my own person and marching to the beat of my own drum.

18-22 were pretty bad
But my 40s were horrendous
This last year has been awful, but hoping things improve 🙏

40s were dreadful from start to finish. Lost 4 relatives in 5 years. Only just got over processing grief earlier this year and thought well they weren't very nice to me anyway, so glad I don't have to deal with these f*kers anymore.
10 yrs leading up to menopause which were hell with fibroids and ending up in A&E with such pain I could not walk (paramedics insisted I could) and being given co-codamol which did not work.
Ended up in prison and mental hospital for a year. Tried to make a normal life for myself when I got out but ageism at work (2 jobs with younger managers despite the fact I hit the same targets as them or BETTER) and the fact that some idiot in my house showered for 3 hours at a time, so all the ceilings fell down, was the Fing cherry on the cake. I went travelling and don't regret it. I went out with half a dozen blokes in 18 months and people have called me a slag and a slut and I don't regret it and don't care. I am now homeless and don't care, as I don't like the homeless services. I got run down by an e-scooter, fell over while drunk and broke my ankle, then fell over again and cracked my head open. And after all the medics have been telling me about me having a brain tumour on the R side of my head for 10 yrs, the most recent MDT has sent me a letter telling me it's now on the L side of my head??
Hell I am through with Drs, hospitals, police and authorities and the like and have pretty much told them all to go to hell. I can't be bothered with worrying about all this stuff anymore "oh you may have diabetes" yeah kiss my a$$!! I'm now writing my 2nd novel, and doing whatever the hell I feel like doing.