Making new "couple" friends at 50+

[chillybeenz]

DH and I are 53 and newly empty nesters (DCs are 21 & 19). We have a small number of friends each, some of whom we'd count as "couple" friends, i.e. we all go out for dinner together, or to the theatre, or get invited for Xmas drinks. They are mainly my residual school-gate mum friends who have other halves my DH gets on with, plus some couples from our early working lives pre-kids. But numbers have reduced over the years as families have moved elsewhere or split up or else just because their kids went to different secondary schools and we lost touch. We sometimes muse about whether/how we might make more now that we have a bit more free time on our hands.

I'm curious. If you have made completely new couple friends in your 50s, where/how did you meet?

Sounds like you have about the average number of close friends already

I would concentrate on nurturing the ones you have.

We’ve become friends with some of our neighbours, and met people through work (clients/colleagues). Book clubs/hobby groups are also good. I’ve actually found it easier to make friends in the last ten years than at any other point in my life.

Wouldn’t you just make friends how you normally would - hobbies, work etc and if they have another half then you suggest going out as a four? It seems overly complicated to be aiming for a couple friendship from the off. I’m single though so it all seems a bit alien to me!

I'm actually looking for anecdotes from people who have made friends in this scenario, rather than advice. It's Chat, not Aibu. 🙂

@chillybeenz I didn’t say you were being unreasonable? But of course, I will leave you to your busy thread.

This is right though. We’ve made new friends through one of us making a connection with one half of another couple and then once you get to know that person it’s another step to meet as a 4 surely?

Op I agree with @DarkRootsBlue
however if its a need for you for whatever reason then move home and join a new community.

My husband and I have made new friends at our running club. Singles and couples alike. We do social stuff with them as well as running.

Do you have any health clubs near you which have an active community (clearly need to look at the age). Or find a course which runs for a set period of time, eg an 8 week evening wine course or beginner’s tennis. But look for things which are paid up front (less of a drop out by people) and then run for a number of weeks as it gives more chance for friendships to form.

If you find out let me know. We’ve relocated both from different parts of the country too so it’s not easy

It definitely won’t help to be as abrasive as you’ve been here. But perhaps you’re less rude when not anonymous?

This may not be an option for you, but we got a dog, and as a side effect met loads of people walking their dogs at the local park. Over the years we have become good friends with a few of them and regularly socialise away from dog walking. It turns out, chatting to people you see regularly walking the dog is a very easy low stakes way of finding out if you have anything in common.

‘But numbers have reduced over the years as families have moved elsewhere or split up’.

As someone who experienced half of her friendships dropping off the face of the earth when her marriage broke down (because I no longer fitted in the ‘couple friends’ box), I urge you to rethink the emphasis on people needing to be in neat couples in order to socialise with you and DH.

My DH collects new friends! He has an activity he does regularly and has joined a group of like minded souls in recent years and made new friends. Some of the people in the club are couples and some, like us, have partners who don't do the activity. I occasionally join social stuff and it's developing new friendships.

Pubs. In my most regular haunt seventy somethings down to teens all mix and pass the time off day. Multi millionaire's to part time students. Bit of lubrication breaks the ice and acquaintances and friendships develop naturally.

My Mum and Dad (now both in their 80s) are brilliant at making friends. They just make the effort. It’s mostly been neighbours or those they know from the community (they live in Scotland). Many of their current friends are those people that they have got to know in later years / retirement. They give each other lifts to the hospital or airport, they look after cats and plants when people are away, they invite people over for coffee, they meet friends for lunch or breakfast at the garden centre etc etc.
Later life opens up a whole load of opportunities when you have spare time on your hands - so make the effort and you should reap rewards

To add, my partner’s Mum is in her 90s and still makes new friends, from volunteering at a food bank.

My DH and I joined a fancy gym together and have made new couple friends and I’ve also made new female friends. We joined 4 years ago and are now 56 and 59.

We tend to make friends separately and then that can move into a couple friendship, but doesn’t always, but we socialise separately quite a bit. I agree with pubs, we have started doing pub quizzes and if you find a regular one you like you soon start getting to know other people there. Also volunteering, and hobby clubs, half our current pub quiz team is from a sports club DH belongs to. I can’t think of any of our friendships that have been couple friendships from the start, they have always started with one of us being friends with someone and the other halves getting to know each other later, like you and your primary school friends probably happened. We very rarely go out with just one other couple though, it’s nearly always in groups or just us, or separate socialising.

There was a funny advert on tv a few years ago with the voiceover Sue and Jill met at a hobby, they were laughing their heads off and then the camera panned to the men and it said their husbands met through their wives and they were just stood looking awkward.

Making friends separately is probably easier and then seeing if the spouses get on. I joined a few walking groups when I retired and have made some good friends.

I also volunteer and that group now meets up at a pub quiz once a month and my DH and another volunteers DH get on very well so we are going out in a four soon.

One friend and I have husbands that get on very well, we met through a walking group. We actually hosted his parents who were visiting from Hong Kong in the summer, I made them a very nice high tea which they loved. My Dad was from HK and very like this lovely old guy, we have been invited to visit them when we are in HK next year. A friendship like this is the sort that doesn’t happen often when older it feels like we have known each other for ever. But the interests of everyone in both couples have aligned. I really like a woman I volunteer with but having met her DH at a big volunteering event I will not be pressing for further friendship which is a shame as we get on so well.

I haven't made any for years. But I don't mind, my DH and i spend enough time together, and anyway we will often will do something with a third person, a friend of one of us, not necessary a couple. Could you do things with a single friends, does it have to be a couple?

I think it's important to have couple friends aswell as your own friends. Finding new ones can be tricky, where all 4 of you really like eachother, not just say the women but the men only tolerate eachother. Keep going it will happen eventually. And when it does it's to be appreciated as it's special and rare.

But can’t you just be friends with the woman? I can’t imagine ruling out a potential friend because I did isn’t much like her spouse or partner. I have close longterm friends I adore, whose partners I seldom see.

DH and I do absolutely also have friends that are couples, where there’s a genuine friendship between all four people, but I think it’s comparatively rare. If you think about the likelihood of you meeting someone and liking them enough to want to pursue a friendship, and them liking you back enough to want to pursue it, then you double those variables again when you involve another person.,

I agree with @FoxLoxInSox — even leaving aside ditching friends when they’re no longer in a couple, ‘couple friends’ seems like a weird concept to me. What is the assumption behind it? That women befriend women and men befriend men, so you need one of each? That you want to go on ‘double dates’? That you want to engage in activities that require two couples (swinging, mixed doubles tennis?)

Why is it important, though?

Have a look at your local Rotary Clubs. They are not all male anymore, and quite a few have a lot of couples as members. Good group of friends, usually good social life as well as all the charity stuff. You might have to look at 2 or 3 clubs to find one that suits you best.

Because the dynamics are different. And when you socialise alone, it's different to having friends who know you both. And when you socialise together you go out together, with another couple.