I'm definitely not having any more children

[Overoveroverrover]

And I can't get my head around it.

I want to set the scene here and state how utterly grateful I am for the three happy, healthy, thriving children I have. This is not a case of being ungrateful for my generous lot, but facing a new phase of life that I didn't consider before.

Since I was a little girl who could hold a baby doll in her arms, all I ever wanted to do was be a mum. I spent my entire childhood, teens and twenties looking forward to this hopefully happening one day.

Thankfully, it did, and I spent most of my thirties in the thick of it: pregnant, breastfeeding, toddler chaos, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. I absolutely loved it.

After the third, DH was very clear that there would be no more and all of his sensible, logical reasons are 100% right.

I'm now in my early forties, am clearly in perimenopause as my previously clockwork 29 day cycles are very erratic, and more like 45 days apart and I'm guessing annovulatory due to the lack of evidence of ovulation. Its just so new.

I spent my whole life looking forward to a certain point of my life, and that point is over. I guess it's like when you spend so long planning your wedding and when it's over, you feel a bit lost. We'll, I feel lost.

I still love mothering, and love my kids and enjoy nurturing them and know that I will be glad I didn't expand the family when the teen years hit. I know that motherhood (and life!) is about more than pregnancy and smelling new born babies' heads.

I'm just now at the point in my life when all the 'big stuff' that I had been looking forward to is over, and I feel very adrift.

My youngest child is 3 and I have a career that is quite rewarding, albeit full on. I haven't had time for hobbies in years. I guess that's something in the future. I started getting into fitness as my new 'baby' but some people told me the weight loss didn't suit me and made me look older.

I just sailing new seas and don't know what to do. Has anyone been in my shoes before and can relate?

I’ve not been in your shoes yet but I’m pregnant with my last baby and I know I will be utterly bereft at saying goodbye to this phase of my life.

Like you, it’s always been my dream to be a mother and my biggest goal in life. I find work unfulfilling since my eldest was born too.

I hope that others can help with more specific advice. Just wanted to say you aren’t alone in feeling like this.

Totally understand this. I had 3 and then DH had a vasectomy. I was fine when they were tiny but once I hit perimenopuase and the reality that I couldnt have anymore kids kicked in I was sad.
It will pass. Just give it time. Enjoy your DC.
Mine are all at uni and so I am adjusting to another new phase. Thats not easy either.
Make the most of their childhoods and teenage years, with all the chaos. I miss the chaos. You still have years of it ahead!

I'm totally with you, I didn't know I wanted children until I met my husband, but now that phase is nearly over, and I feel devastated. I could do pregnancy, birth, and toddlers forever (maybe without the sleep disturbances!).

I had two and never wanted more, but I think I can relate. We spent years struggling to get pregnant, then miscarriage and second baby. Before that we’d moved countries, got married, had big career changes. So once out of baby haze with the second I definitely had a “oh shit what now?” moment. Do we just drift through suburban life forever? It felt like there weren’t big things to work towards.

I’ve found things a lot better with my kids a little older. School sets a rhythm for the year, the kids do lots of out of school activities which both DH and I volunteer with. We’ve gone on a health kick. Found a family rhythm which works for us. We’re not working towards the next degree, promotion or baby, but we like to forward plan for exciting holidays, and we’ve settled in to a sustainable rhythm (and got a dog! He definitely helped).

Just wait 'til you get to the teenage years! You ain't seen nothin' yet

I had two and never wanted more. They are 23 and 18 still both at home. DH and I finally have our lives back and a much more chilled relationship. The time will come when we will hopefully have grandchildren so we are taking a well deserved break until then travelling and exploring (whilst still working full time) as I’m sure we will be called upon!

I have 32 and knew my second would be my last (mutual decision, plus nature decided really as I was 42).

Mine are 3 and 7 now, my youngest is in pt nursery and I'm just emerging from the toddler years. I'm a sahm and did extended bfing (still doing it for 3yo) so the past 7 years have been full-on without much child-free time, but I've loved it.

But I've always known the early childhood years would be temporary and I'd have time back to myself once they were ft in school tbh. I've always had lots of interests pre-dcs which I haven't prioritised since the younger ones were born, in favour of spending time with the dcs, but I've always known I'd be able to return to them. I've never had that desperate broodiness and desperation to be a mum though, I was fairly ambivalent about having them until I met DH.

We always wanted 3 but had to stop at 2 because it would be too risky for me to carry another baby for a medical reason. It took me a while to come to terms with it. I loved being pregnant but in my case it was either try for a 3rd and risk all 3 growing up without me or stick with 2 and be there for them in reasonably good health.
This was several years ago now and i have teenagers and am now perimenopausal. It has made me a bit sad that our choice was restricted by other things, but i am so thankful to still be here with my growing family. We are now on the next stage where our eldest has a gf and my dh and i can do things as a couple again.
It is a new chapter but i am enjoying spending time with my teens, my dh and getting to know ds's gf. My perimenopause symptoms seem to be settling down too touch wood.
My advice would be not to look at the what ifs too much but enjoy every moment with your children. Honestly they grow so fast but each chapter is amazing. Watching my 2 grow up has been the greatest gift and i am just glad to be here to see it.

Our youngest is 12, would love more kids but body and mind not up to it !
instead I volunteer 2 hours a week to support a mum struggling with anxiety; she has a 5 month old . He’s a stunner, but happy I get to leave and enjoy older ones :)

Oh absolutely. My youngest is a toddler, I have 4dc and love the baby phase. I have an adult child also and have loved all the stages and I cannot have more children, (space/money/time/physical issues) so DH has had the snip because it would be hugely selfish to keep going now, our dc are all so close and we have time together and separately with one another, a 5th child as much as we’d love one would just be irresponsible (but we’d cherish the baby cuddles so much!)

I have two, 7 and 3. My husband and I planned more, however one of our children has fairly significant and life long needs, so that has somewhat curtailed our family, it means we can continue to meet both of our children's very different needs. DH had a vasectomy earlier this year and TBH, I was in equal parts sad and relieved to not be having to think about another pregnancy.

I’m at a similar age and stage, but my dc are older, as I had them in my mid/late 20’s. I loved having small dc, but they are great now too. I have got to the stage now where I actually fear getting pregnant unintentionally (because I know I wouldn’t have a termination, unless there were serious health issues, and because I also know I am too old really and that I have moved on from that stage of life). I was broody for a long time after dc3 though. I think you have to focus on the parts of your life not related to dc, book things in and look forward to them. As they get older the feeling of freedom is wonderful - I loved having small dc, but I have a great life now too.

Well for starters tell those idiots to eff off. Being fit is a great gift to yourself AND your family.
You have to mourn the passing of this part of your life. Losing your fertility and what that means can be pretty affecting to your self image.
But with a three year old you are still in the thick of it, and when yours become teenagers you will need all your wits about you. But give yourself time to get to grips with this next stage.

It's a totally normal and natural feeling!

I'm 41, last-ditch IVF pregnancy, and I am somewhere between amused and ashamed that I'm alternating between 'thank goodness I'm pregnant and I'm terrified I'll miscarry again' and 'oh, how sad I won't get to have another one after this'. It's absurd on one level - I've taken years and years getting here; I should just be feeling delighted and of course I am but there is a bit of me going 'what a pity ...'.

I would have loved a big family (I am one of four, and that seemed a perfect number to me) but we stopped after two for various reasons (mainly age, finances and husband’s preference). I was sad for a while, but knew that stopping was the sensible thing to do.

I loved the baby/young child stage, but I am now really loving the relationship I have with my adult children (both in their 20s).

I’m so happy I’ve come across this thread. I have a 5yo, 3yo and 3 week old and I know that she has to be my last which I’m so so sad about. My last pregnancy was really rough as I had severe SPD/PGP, I could hardly walk for the last month and logistics with my 5 and 3yo were really tough as we have limited support outside of myself and my DH. I always thought I’d only ever want 2 and that I’d want to go back to work full time etc after Mat leave, however having my eldest completely changed that. I ADORE being a mum to babies/young children and can’t think of anything I want to do more, despite being quite obsessed with my career pre kids. But I’m 38 now and I just know she has to be the last as my body wouldn’t cope with carrying another baby, no matter how much I would love more. I wish I’d started having children earlier as my body may have coped better with pregnancy as my first two pregnancies weren’t too bad at all really.
im trying so hard not to spend this time feeling sad that she is my last and just really appreciate every moment of my little girls newborn phase but deep down im really grieving that this is last of everything Ive loved so much for the last 5years. I know the future will present its own joy as they get older and eventually I will have different opportunities available to myself (like pursuing hobbies I’ve put aside since having them) but I had no idea how much I was made to be a mum (of babies/young children) until I had them. Other people I know seem to constantly be wishing these ages away and I find this hard to relate to and feel a bit odd at times for feeling this way, so I’m glad there are lots of you who feel the same as I do.

@Mummykelly78 This is a brilliant idea - how did you find her, is it through something official? I’d love to do this when mine are older and in school FT etc

I can understand what you are saying and there’s other comments from people who are pregnant with their last baby or just had their last baby and feel the same. The truth is you haven’t always wanted to be a mother per se otherwise you would be fine, you have always wanted to have a baby/small child. My advice would be to look forward to the next stages, I know there is always a lot of the ‘dreaded teenage years’ comments and posts but you really don’t need to dread them getting older. Both mine are teenagers and I absolutely love it, it’s been such a fun time of parenting for me and seeing them really become the adults they will be. There’s still so much more to come and look forward to. My eldest is 18 now and I adore being her mum more now than ever, yes I miss them being little sometimes but I accept that’s life and it’s a great experience to parent young adults so try and look forward to that

I have 7 🤣 oldest is 21 and the youngest 7 months i could honestly have kids until I physically can't anymore I love the chaos and absolutely cannot imagine what my life will look like when they're all older and my house stays tidy and doesn't resemble smyths toystore 🤣 I've spent more of my life as a parent than not so its all I know at this point. All of my baby's firsts are also lasts and its pretty devastating tbh but physically and mentally I couldn't do it again the older I've got the harder I've found it but the finality of it is heartbreaking.

I get what you’re saying about this being a new phase in your life. But I think you’re missing the point that you’re still going to be in active Mum state for very many more years to come.

Yeah it's a kick, ain't it?

Ever since you're old enough to know that girls turn into women who can have babies, you think about it,

Then you get your period and you're warned about boys and what they're going to do to you, and teenage pregnancies, and being careful...

Then you have a short window of 10 or 15 years where you'd better make sure that your financially stable / have a supportive partner / have all your other ducks in a row and you'd better have those kids now no matter what other things are going on in your life/career / the world

Then, you're "too old". Either your body goes menopausal and you know the baby factory shut down for good, or, you're concerned because of your age and any complications to the child that you figure you'd better not... And holy smokes, the ride's over.

And some of us we're patiently waiting in line their whole life, and never even got a turn on the ride. What are you going to do?