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Is there a strategy to pull hikikomori young people into life?

17 replies

katepilar · 28/11/2025 10:01

Have friend who has this 19yo son who basically sits in his room all day and night, is awake at night and sleeps during the day, texts his mother demands of what to buy, only finished highschool because it was a private school who would make a lot of exceptions to allow him to pass his exams /this is not in the UK/. Started uni but basically stopped going in after a week.

Have you heard of any stories or strategies that have actually worked for anyone in such situation?

Backstory. There is history of mental issues in the family. Father claimed himself a trans when son was a young to mid teen and lives now as a woman, separately from mother and son. Is resentful of paying child maintance despite high earning and sending threatening messages to the son. Mother says she experienced worse from the husband while living still together. Various forms of abuse from what I understand. Mother herself diagnosed with personality disorders. Son is a big hygiene and clean freak, diagnosed with OCD. Having him hospitalised as a last attempt to wake him up didnt help much.

His life has been very messed up by his parents own mental health issues in my view. His psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse dont seem to make too much of a difference. Wont engage in therapy. Or anything really apart from gaming and computers. I guess he may not be a typical hikikomori, I dont know.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 28/11/2025 14:03

Stop funding them.

bluejelly · 28/11/2025 14:15

I think his mum needs therapy in the first instance. Poor family…

pinkyredrose · 28/11/2025 14:17

Why's the father paying child support when the kid is 19?

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PatThePenguin · 28/11/2025 14:25

Well yes of course.

You stop giving him money.

Buy only the basics.

And tell him to show some respect when he's 'demanding' things.

DirtyGertiefromno30 · 28/11/2025 14:28

I think if you stop funding then their mental health will decline.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/11/2025 15:25

Gey him assessed for ND.

katepilar · 28/11/2025 19:54

pinkyredrose · 28/11/2025 14:17

Why's the father paying child support when the kid is 19?

Because he is, at least on paper, in education. This can be up to 26 years of age in this country.
Also there is debt as he didnt pay last year when he didnt have a job so court has taken money out of his (very high) wages.

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katepilar · 28/11/2025 19:56

bluejelly · 28/11/2025 14:15

I think his mum needs therapy in the first instance. Poor family…

She had many years of therapy with various therapists. Some helped, others didnt so much. None have helped in how to deal with the son.

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katepilar · 28/11/2025 20:04

DirtyGertiefromno30 · 28/11/2025 14:28

I think if you stop funding then their mental health will decline.

Thats what she is worried about, kind of. She is worried that if he is sighned off as unable to work due to hiss issues, that she will be liable to house and feed him for the rest of her life.

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katepilar · 28/11/2025 20:06

PatThePenguin · 28/11/2025 14:25

Well yes of course.

You stop giving him money.

Buy only the basics.

And tell him to show some respect when he's 'demanding' things.

Have you actually done this yourself? Have you seen someone do it IRL?

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thenightsky · 28/11/2025 20:06

Place marking.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/11/2025 20:15

I second the ND assessment- it may help them handle their various challenges more positively, and there may be medication that can help depending on the diagnosis.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/11/2025 20:20

My DS is very tech heavy, though he works and cooks. He would be motivated by food and by internet connection. So I’d be providing basic repetitive food and slow internet.

I’d make sure he knew he could earn better quality food and faster internet by getting out of his room.

SurreySENMum · 28/11/2025 20:23

My eldest is like this less the demands. I suspect he has ASD but was borderline on a ADOS age 13. He is a great uni now. Still sleeping in the day and awake at night. So following with interest. If by some miracle he doesn't get kicked off his course I can't see him holding down a job

CassandraMortmayne · 28/11/2025 20:26

PatThePenguin · 28/11/2025 14:25

Well yes of course.

You stop giving him money.

Buy only the basics.

And tell him to show some respect when he's 'demanding' things.

^ this. But it has to be done in a compassionate but firm way, maintaining a thread of attachment/dependence while setting reasonable boundaries. Not all at once or in a harsh way because that’s what could cause collapse or overwhelm.

It’s like gradually removing supports bit by bit, so the 19yr old can develop his own motivation for doing things for himself. And do it in a communicative, compassionate way - ‘I know I’ve done this for you in the past, but for several reasons things have to change now. This is what I’m not going to do in future, and this is what I need you to do going forwards…’ Validate whatever he feels - ‘yes I understand this is difficult/annoying/depressing/whatever.’ And hold firm. Be prepared that he may drop the ball a bit as he figures things out for himself. Be there to support him through the emotional difficulty of it and to teach him how to do things, but don’t do it for him.

This will be hard for the mum to do unless she has the right emotional support in place.

katepilar · 28/11/2025 20:54

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/11/2025 20:15

I second the ND assessment- it may help them handle their various challenges more positively, and there may be medication that can help depending on the diagnosis.

I wish ND assesment was more accesible /available and there were more professionals who actually knew at least something about neurodiversity.

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katepilar · 01/12/2025 18:59

CassandraMortmayne · 28/11/2025 20:26

^ this. But it has to be done in a compassionate but firm way, maintaining a thread of attachment/dependence while setting reasonable boundaries. Not all at once or in a harsh way because that’s what could cause collapse or overwhelm.

It’s like gradually removing supports bit by bit, so the 19yr old can develop his own motivation for doing things for himself. And do it in a communicative, compassionate way - ‘I know I’ve done this for you in the past, but for several reasons things have to change now. This is what I’m not going to do in future, and this is what I need you to do going forwards…’ Validate whatever he feels - ‘yes I understand this is difficult/annoying/depressing/whatever.’ And hold firm. Be prepared that he may drop the ball a bit as he figures things out for himself. Be there to support him through the emotional difficulty of it and to teach him how to do things, but don’t do it for him.

This will be hard for the mum to do unless she has the right emotional support in place.

Thank you, I agree with you. If only this was easy enough for the Mum to do, while she is facing issues of her own.

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