After my eldest child was born, literally days, my mother, who I’m not close to, said to me you must make sure you don’t neglect your husband now you have a baby…

[AceKitten]

and by that I think she ment sex

oh it made me feel sick, we are not close, we do not talk about personal things
I never ask her for advice
and she’s been really really abusive to me at times

indint even know why I’m even thinking about it, I wish I could erase it from my head, I wish I could have had more confidence to tell her to zip it
but when you’re know just had a baby, days ago you’re a bit vulnerable and not really able to a try co up for yourself

she had no idea whatsoever about my private life

just felt so disgusting

I bet no one have dh unsolicited advice of now your wives had a baby make sure you xyz

Sorry you experienced that, the best thing is to put it out your mind, if you can. Put it down to the advice of an older and out of date generation. Probably she thought she was being helpful.

Maybe that’s the advice her mother gave her.

Maybe it’s advice someone close wishes theyd had back in the day as their husband left them and told her so now shes repeating it to try and make sure it doesn’t happen to you.

Maybe it happened to her wirh your dad?

Who knows. Don’t think about it any more. Congrats on the baby.

I wish I could go back and say, actually there’s only ever one reason two people should have sex, because they BOTH want to

but when you’ve only just given birth
it’s hard to stick up for yourself

it just makes me feel so yuk
peopled attitudes

these kinda comments are always directed at women
when are men ever given this little unsolicited advice/pep talks

yes I’m trying to put it out my mind, don’t even know why I’m thinking about this

All the more reason to tell her to fuck off keep her at arm's length.

How did that advice work out for her? The fact you are not close with her speaks volumes.
Put yourself and your baby first, your husband can wait!!

Meh I dunno. Could be an insight into her life. I've heard a few people say their grNdmothers said things like this. Essentially make sure you always keep your husband happy so he doesn't rape or hit you.

I "neglected" my husband after I had a baby. Didn't "look after him" like a child etc. He nearly killed me.

Well she stayed with my dad until he died, she gave him a lot of crap but he also allowed and enabled her so……

Bloody hell, sorry you experienced that

It happens. I just said it to show the other perspective. It might not be meant as a "don't allow the precious man to suffer his every desire not being met, you are responsible for his happiness and that's more important than your needs." But in a "be careful not to get yourself hurt by him, keep him happy or you'll suffer the consequences" kind of way. It was a normal frame of mind only a couple of generations ago.

Its a recognised thing, men can become abusive after marriage, pregnancy and child birth even if there were no previous signs.

There’s something about having a baby which makes people say mad shit to you.

I have no idea why.

Oh yes, ,like your just a vessel,public property

Hate the way the world makes men so entitled

Women passing on the ‘tradition’ of ensuring that a man’s needs/wants/desires usurp a womans. Vomit inducing.

Any woman who encourages this attitude is traitorous to women.

Sometimes snippets of conversations or occurrences that happened years ago, things we haven't even thought of in so long, come back into our heads and then, you can't make them leave. They're pervasive like one of those annoying songs you can't get the tune out...

Yes, that advice is sexist, crossing boundaries, and icky... Plus a bunch of other things but, you said yourself you didn't have a good relationship with your mom, that she was saying inappropriate things at other times, that you didn't stand up for yourself at the time and now you kind of wish that you did, well, that's okay.

You know what. I figure that when we post stuff here on MN, true there's nothing we can do about the past, but, someone else might be reading this and you might give someone else motivation or encouragement or confidence or wisdom.
You hate what happened and it still bothers you but you're sharing it, which might help you feel in a better place when other people talk to about it but also you might be helping someone else So, in the end, there's a reason you couldn't get this out of your head recently, right?
Hopefully, you can let this go.

Thank you. Yes I think there’s truth in that
not that I really understand it
but I just wanna let all them
horrible things go out of my head
but you know what just hearing other reply to me saying yes that was out of order and that kinda comments are traitorous, explains it better than I can, and I’m not the most eloquent person and I’m not great at explaining things sometimes
but just other woman saying yes that is awful
actually helps
thats it’s not just me
it was out of order and wrong

just want to let all the crap and all these kinda comments which has been a lifetimes worth just go…

thanks for listening and for giving your time and advice
it’s really kind of you
mi think I’m healing somewhere along the lines form alot not even said here ❤️ just keep going x

You’re in a powerful phase right now as you’ve become a parent so you are evaluating how your mum parents you. This is where you do things differently. It’s powerful but destabilising breaking patterns

Wish I could say I’ve never heard similar, though not from family.

I once read in an American magazine that women shouldn’t breast feed if it makes their husbands jealous!

What sort of man can be jealous of a tiny baby getting its proper food???

Not a ‘proper’ man, is what I think!

Just ignore her or perhaps tell her he will be getting blown every night or he has a butt plug now and enjoys his special time alone.

It’s outdated, but I think it does have truth to it. A lot of relationships end when the child is under 18 months - Mine included. I did neglect my partner’s needs, I didn’t want sex with him, So of course, he looked elsewhere for attention. This is very very common.

So yes, her advice was outdated and probably not what you want to hear but from my experience there the truth in it.

I don’t miss my ex and I’m glad he’s not with me, but I did neglect him and his needs. And he did go elsewhere.

Obviously ignore her and don’t have sex with your husband if you don’t want to. If a man is the type of stray, he would do it at some point anyway. Better early on so you can focus on finding husband number two.

Personally I don’t believe anyone needs sex
it’s never a need
a want sure
but it’s never needed

and I don’t like any type of coercion of any type

I was told that too, not by my mother (thank goodness) but by an older neighbour, who'd have been born around 1935-40.

All those poor women throughout history who've had to keep "looking after" their partners to stay safe... 😢