Are you close enough to your DPs to the chat about their future care needs?

[Rictasmorticia]

I am almost 80 and in excellent health. From conversations with similar age group, i have come to realise that infirmity is not always gradual. I am in the fortunate position to be able to speak openly with all of my children about everything. In view of what has just happened to my DDs FiL I have taken the opportunity to inform my kids of mine and DH wishes regarding care.

We already have Wills and POAs but the details are missing. So today I have called each of them about our wishes and how it is to be paid for. I have been very frank with them about our savings and pension incomes .

i know that a lot of my generation bury their heads in the sand and are cagey about their finances. My DCs were all really grateful that we had the conversation. I hope it will inspire others to try to encourage their parents to state what they want to happen in later years.

Not close but I made my mum have the chat anyway.

she was very uncomfortable but it had to be done. She was planning on relying on me for care and I am myself disabled and use a wheelchair and have carers so she was living in cloud cuckoo land.

i do now have a clear idea of what she wants and she has also begun to accept reality.

It's good to have the conversation, as long as wishes are realistic. Unfortunately some parents are explicit about 'never going into a care home'. And the parent ends up in a care home and the child feels eternally guilty, even though that is exactly what is needed.

My mother became very unwell when she was 80 and could not live independently. She had already done her Will and POA. She wanted to stay at home but it became untenable and I arranged her move to a care home, where she lived happily for several years. Fortunately she had the money to self-fund, if she hadn't it would have been a different story.

I totally agree about being realistic. My youngest son said would you not want to live with me? I said no and he said “That’s rude” He was joking, but truthfully , even though I love my kids to bits know if I was ill I would rather pay strangers to care for me.

I think a lot of people just don't want to think about it, and as you say it does need thinking about for everyone's sake. Your kids now know they are not expected to do hands-on care.

Of course it's a lot easier when you have the money to facilitate it, otherwise whatever your wishes you are reliant on Social Services and you get whatever they can provide.