How can I help dd17 make friends?

[Boxingshibes]

I can't but looking for advice for them.
DD has just turned 17 and is in college doing GCSEs. They were home schooled due to bullying and have autism,adhd and dyslexia. Also thought they were trans but now non binary.
They are vv lonely. In the last 2 months have not made any friends at college. No one speaks to them.
They wear out there clothes ( pretty lolita) so very puffy detailed dresses and big bows or bonnets. Which doesn't really help.
They are v bright predicted 9s at gcse but shy.
They came home today in tears as they are so lonely. I don't know what to do!
Any advice would be awesome!

Does your daughter actually want friends?

Very much. They see their sibling going out and having relationships they want that.
I have no clue how to help!

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear this - it can take a while to find a 'tribe'.

Are there any lgbtq groups / meet ups for teens near you? I'm not sure how you would find that kind of thing but if you let me know location I can search. I know DD is non-binary but I think lgbtq groups are very open and perhaps more welcoming.

I would also suggest looking up cosplay groups to see if anything suitable. Again similar more open minded people

Does she have any other interests which might be possible to find friends at?

I would speak to DD about whether it's possible to slightly tone down her outfits for college. Also encourage her to look out for others that seem lonely or on the periphery. You could speak to her form tutor and ask if they knew anyone who might also be a bit quirky and a possible friend!

Only other thought is maybe find out if they do any volunteer tutoring of younger students. Something like that might be great.

I know it's not easy and hard to watch and not be able to help.

My DN likes to dress like this too. She hangs out with her friends by playing games - role play, dungeons and dragons etc

Would your DD like D&D or similar?

Agree that finding an LGBT arty cosplay dungeons and dragons type group will help, most won't bat an eyelid at any of this. Do they have online friends? They may have a whole discord community of friends but just find being at college really tough.

I did think d&d would be good but the club is when they have classes.
It's a no to toning down the outfit. I've tried/begged/pleaded. Nothing think sugar plum fairy on steroids. They look awesome but only under 12 and over 20 think so.

Making friends can be very difficult when you are past school age.
Here is what I advised my DD to do.

Be the first to reach out to other people, say hello, offer a compliment.
The idea is to do this with no expectation that it will result in a friendship, but reaching out to other people will satisfy their longing for social connections.

Join every group, club or gathering that interests you.

Accept that it may take a whole year of doing this to make friends. 2 months is not long enough, heartbreaking though that is.

As a parent, the kindest thing you can do is to encourage your DD to keep reaching out. Making friends is a numbers game. Eventually you will reach out and speak to so many people, you will find friendships forming.

Also Japanese Anime, manga type groups! Another one to search.

Some unis have societies for this type of thing so the good news is there are lots of people like her she just needs to find them! ❤️

At your DD age it is kind of up to her but... maybe talking to her about what other people like and are interested in, how to focus on that and ask the right kind of questions/the mechanics of getting to know someone. Might well have been lacking in the home education community.
Having said that, expecting everyone to affirm that she's "non binary" might be a bit much for the other students - as with other interests etc. it might not be something they are interested in and if it's all-consuming and something she's expecting in every conversation that might be off-putting.

Our DS has ADHD and really struggles with friendships, and we really like this parenting coach, he talks about how teens with ADHD need to learn to "hang out".

https://ryanwexelblatt.medium.com/adhd-dude-on-group-work-podcast-talking-about-how-to-hang-out-program-ryan-wexelblatt-bb40d09c57c4

I don’t imagine the outfits are helping tbh & at that age most want to fit in. So it would be ok if there was a small group all wearing that look. Could she get a part time job? My DD was very shy & has now got a waitressing job & that has massively improved her confidence in so many ways.

When DD started college she was worried about making friends because of a bad couple of years in school. The things that helped were joining a volunteering group (tutoring kids from the local refugee community), joining a like-minded group (in her case Autistic Girls Club) and spending time in the learning support/wellbeing building. Although she doesn’t really need much actual learning support, it’s where lots of the quirkier kids hang out, which suits her. Her college also runs a Friends Club specifically for young people who don’t have friends yet or who are looking to leave school friendship groups behind. Maybe you DD could see if there is something similar? And of course LQBTQ+
will have something going on socially I’m sure.

DD’s college is huge and very diverse, very ‘out there’ fashion is pretty usual, there’s probably a club dedicated to that too! but most colleges will have volunteering/ creative/ games clubs to join. I hope your daughter finds her tribe soon.

what are their interests? Better to bond over things they can do together. Eg a local wildlife place near us was begging for volunteers 4 hours a week. One of our adult autistic children goes two hours on Saturday and Sunday and loves it. (They live independently!)

lots of work using children books on being friends and having friends- eg you need to put in, you might be rejected, resilience etc not judging others - it can be taught. There are courses for youngsters with autism to lean social skills etc local Autism society NAS might run events etc

My daughter was sort of similar. Very much had her own style but not as out there as your daughter sounds. What helped her the most was a job whilst at sixth form.

Wirh regards to the clothes, she did eventually change a bit when she went to uni. At first she didn’t want to not be herself but she did eventually start to change a bit. Not all the time, going out she tends to dress in her own way but more day to day.

I think your daughter needs to come round to that idea herself. Or not at all of course.

Unfortunately the standing out in 'bizarre' clothes won't be helping. If she wants to fit in she'll have to fit in, but then are they real true friends?

I think it all came to head today when her pastoral lead asked them what they wanted to do in the future as they don't seem to be passionate about stem
ffs.
They have wanted to be an entomologist or vet are amazing at science but have now decided that as they are not passionate just good they should do something else!
Arghh
And the friends thing just came about.
They do have a friend in another class but he doesn't speak to them at college only online. Hes Mormon and also trying to fit in.
I have no clue.

Where do you live?
If in a larger town or city maybe board game shops/cafes/gambling shops

i know someone who sounds similar. She got into board game cafe, cosplay/comicon she also does something to do with amateur dramatics where everyone plays characters of the opposite gender. I don't know what it's called, sorry.

How is it going OP? Were any of our suggestions useful?

I was thinking about your comment about D&D clashing with her classes. I would definitely look for clubs and things outside of college as if she can make friends elsewhere it will still help with overall confidence.