Bereaved neighbour- how to help?

[Hungryhippos123]

Our lovely neighbour has died suddenly leaving behind his wife and 3 kids (late teens). He was only in his fifties and it was a traumatic death very sadly. We are neighbour and made small talk, the kids babysat for my kids but we weren’t close. I am absolutely heartbroken for them though and want to help in whatever small way I can. I messaged when they went to hospital offering dog walking/any food getting etc and put please don’t feel the need to respond as obviously they had so much going on.

For those who have been bereaved what would have helped? Silent delivery of some home cooked meals so they’re eating something proper? Drop off some M&S treats? Knock and give them our condolences and a nice card? They’ve had lots of family stop by today and with flowers etc so obviously I’ve stayed clear but I don’t want them to think we don’t care. I imagine we are the least of their worries so I don’t want to make it about us at ALL I just want to help make this absolutely dreadful time the tiniest bit more bearable in a practical way if I can.

I am sure a casserole dropped off would be a great help. That is very considerate of you. Also do you drive and perhaps able to help out with a few lifts. Equally though I don't want to suggest that if it makes things awkward for you.

I always reply with this but when my mum died, me and my dad would not have eaten anything if our lovely neighbours hadn’t brought us simple dishes to put in the oven. It was such an act of love and kindness that pretty much kept us going.

I do drive and can offer though we live in a city with lots of Ubers and public transport and they all drive so don’t think that would be needed.

ill cook a lasagna and take it round with garlic bread and a pre prepped salad tomorrow thank you. I sort of wanted permission that that wasn’t a weird thing to do.

My mum died just over 2 weeks ago and for the first week and a half me and my son were literally starving as I just didn’t have it in me to cook. I ordered McDonald’s twice on uber eats and I don’t think I can face it again for a long time! I got loads and loads of flowers which was incredibly kind of people but I would have loved a lasagne!
I say I was starving but I also couldn’t eat huge amounts so some healthy snacks eg fruit and something you can pick at eg a lasagne/ casserole/ plate of sandwiches would be amazing.
How kind of you to think of them.

Lovely of you to think about them. Tbh I would bide your time and be there for them most in the coming weeks and months when all their family hubbub has died down. It’s the hardest time when the funeral etc is over and their closest support network will go back to business as usual. As a neighbour you’re there on their day to day, so I’d knock round and ask how they’re getting on then.

If you drop a meal round, try to do it in disposable freezer proof trays so they don’t have to worry about whose casserole dish to return where.

And don’t do flowers til weeks later either - I was sick of cutting flowers when my husband died and the house felt like a florists!

I agree I definitely won’t do flowers!

ok- I’ll drop a couple of meals off along with some easy snacky food especially with a teenage boy there. I’ll leave a note telling me to let them know if they need any more meals as I’m happy to double what we are making as needed.

thanks all. So sorry for your losses. It was awful enough seeing the ambulances I can’t imagine how they’re feeling.

The lasagne is a great idea OP.

I lost my DH last year and lots of people say "If there's anything I can do, please ask", but I'm the type of person who hates asking for help, and your neighbour may be the same. As a family, they will pull together, and her teens will help with small practical things, but find ways to let her know occasionally that you're there for her, even if it's just a listening ear she can vent to.

One thing that may be of use is dog sitting on the day of the funeral. I was worrying non-stop what to do with ours, as all the family would be at the funeral, and kennels weren't an option for our anxious, needy dog.

Be there for the long haul.
Much of the help will fade over the next few weeks, but the grief is still there. A bit less now, but it continuing would have been good for me.

Yes this. Very kind of you.

I agree - they will appreciate food. I wouldn't ask, I would just do. It's such a horribly sad time in my experience and cooking something lovely is the perfect kind gesture. You are a kind thoughtful person :)

When my husband died I think I lived off cheese for the first month. I was able to pick at that but wouldn’t have been able to eat a meal so cheese or something similar would be my suggestion.

Also I’d keep on restating your offer to take the dog for a walk. Having to go out in the cold and face the world was more than I could manage most days.

You sound lovely.

You sound like you have quite a lot of impetus - this will be a long journey and you will have plenty of opportunity to help. It can be overwhelming having people desperate to do something to feel better themselves.

you need people to give without making a fuss

when my husband was in hospital the best things neighbours did was cook for me - even Xmas dinner delivered

priceless

honestly eating well is the thing that goes

so definitely one pot or tray things a
That can just go in the oven and feed a family

When my husband died the last thing I wanted was other peoples food unless o knew them well and knew I liked their cooking. I was also overwhelmed with people dropping food over and I got stressed with where to put it and ended up throwing a lot away

I also only wanted to hear from my closest friends and didn’t have the head to have any conversations with anyone else.

the best thing you can do is drop in a card and text her on a few weeks and see if she’s ready for some company

One thing I really appreciated after a few weeks was someone to pop over with a bottle of wine for an hour. Gave me company but I didn’t have to go out. Also someone to dog walk with, just some company for a bit

You sound lovely and your neighbours will remember your kindness forever. When my mum died I appreciated so much every card, flower and thoughtful gesture.

When DH died I lived off cereal for months!
I didn’t have the energy / interest in cooking!
so I would have welcomed a homemade something. Many people said ‘please ask if you need anything’ but that puts the onus on the bereaved person (who will not ask!)

I agree you won’t ask if bereaved (I did actually because it’s only me - as soon as someone asked can I do anything I said yes please hot meal)

so just do it - most people won’t ask

I really appreciated cards too - they were a comfort

So lovely you are posting this. Lasagne often seems to be the go to and i heard from
a friend that she (gratefully) ended up with 6 in the freezer! Maybe an uber eats voucher could also be an option if useable in your area. Agree with offer to Dogsit/walk. Maybe drop round bag of everyday items- milk, bread, snacks.. But asking someone to think is probably hardest like what do you like to eat, do you need anything etc.. I honestly think any gesture would be appreciated. If nothing else they will know people are thinking of them. And following up beyond the funeral will mean a lot. Many people begin to drop away at that point.. And agree about disposable cook wear. Finding pots, Tupperware etc to return will be a giant PITA x

When my mum died suddenly, my dad's neighbors would cook meals for him every now and again or drop a cake round. It's been a year and they still do it occasionally now. Honestly, I can't tell you how much that means to my dad, he is so grateful and always gushing about them. It has made such a difference in a really traumatic time. It's a lovely thing you and are doing and I am sure it will mean a huge amount to your neighbors

I left it about three days, but went over when I had enough time, as I didn't want to bump into neighbour when I was in a rush. Admittedly she was on her own, but I think she appreciated my time chatting about her husband and other things in life. If you've got a drive, that might be helpful to offer the day of the funeral. If you don't want to cook something, that's fine - just make it clear you're there if needed, whether now or in the future.

I think dropping off home cooked food is lovely, I found people although well meaning saying ‘let me know if you need anything’ just added to the mental load. Sometimes just knowing someone is there without you being physically there is enough.

There’s always a flurry of activity until after the funeral then life carries on for most, that’s when they might appreciate gestures more, knowing they haven’t been forgotten but you aren’t in their face if that makes sense.

When my dad died one day we came home and one of the neighbours was cutting the hedge and mowing the grass. Just seen it needed done and obviously wanted to help. It was so touching that he just cracked on and did it. Other things that might be helpful could be dropping off food, a treat ? , if ur heading to the shops u could ask what she needs while ur there ?

I think a lasagne is a lovely idea.
Maybe when you go shopping pop round and ask if they need anything.
If people are popping round then maybe tea and milk etc are nice things to pop off.

When a friend of mine died suddenly his wife phoned me in a panic saying she had nothing in for all these people who were coming round. Coffee (she didn't drink it), tea, milk, sugar, biscuits. were all welcome.

If you bake them a cake would be welcomed. There’s always so many visitors and otherwise they’re easy to just snack on.

There's a book called 'If there's anything I can do to help' that addresses this exactly.