Please tell me your experience of you/your child leaving/deferring uni after a term.

[IHeartKingThistle]

Hi. DD is at crisis point at uni after starting in September and I think we’re going to have to bring her home, either deferring a year or leaving completely. It’s a very sad situation for everyone at the moment but we’ll support her whatever happens.

It would really help if I could hear from some people who have been through this as either students or parents. I guess my questions would be - at what point was the decision made to come home? What happened after that? What were the things that really helped?

Thanks so much x

Oh no, are we the only ones this has happened to?!

This exact situation hasn't happened to me, but I would say it's best to take a break in the first year as everyone gets a grace year for funding so she will be able to go back when she's ready to start again and still get fees paid.

My son struggled on in silence before failing his second year, so it will be harder to go back.

I personally dropped out of my degree after a year and a term, but that was many years ago. I went back when I was 23 and was successful that time - I believe we all find our own paths eventually (or I am trying to, with my son)

Either re-post in higher education or join WIWIKAU on Facebook - 80k members, it’s very active! Best of luck to you with the tricky decision.

A long time ago now, but I left after 8 weeks, got a temp Christmas job with a High Street retailer and spent the next 25 years working for them in various branches and roles, no regrets.

Dd rushed off to uni after college as it was the last year before tuition went up from £3k to £9 k. Chose the wrong course at the wrong uni and accommodation was awful.

Came home, worked for the rest of the year and had a good think about what she wanted to do, and where. Decided on a 100% change in direction; researched universities and courses thoroughly, visited everywhere, and applied with grades in hand and a story to tell. Also worked and saved enough for a field trip to somewhere very exotic that confirmed her choices and built her confidence.

Hasn’t looked back since.

Thank you. These are really helpful to hear.

I know a few young people who left university in their first year, took time out and are now flourishing at a different university. The ones I know left at the end of the first year but were having a miserable time so if your DD is really struggling I wouldn't prolong it. The young people I know moved from big city universities to campus based ones. Your DD is so young, she has loads of time to reasess what she wants to do with her life. Good luck, it must be so hard for you all.

Practically speaking it's better to leave before the second year starts as student finance will fund 4 years. So she will have had one years funding (although she wont need the other installments and you only repay what you take) which leaves her funding for a 3 year degree still.

Also worth thinking about the fact she needs to apply to other universities pretty quickly to avoid only having the option of clearing. Which can be tough because youre head isnt necessarily in the right place to imagine doing it all again.

What didnt suit her?

In dd2’s first year at university three out of her seven housemates left in the first term.
One deferred for a year , one didn’t like being away from home and decided to attend a local university . The third person took a couple of years off to work but has returned to the same university but is studying a different degree
Some people are just not ready for university .
Dd1 took a gap year which ended up being a gap of two years ( due to Covid)
She recently graduated with a first class degree in a STEM subject
Just continue to support your dd whatever decisions she makes
With your support she will be fine and will be in the headspace to make the right decision for her.
She is very young, there really is no rush

Ds dropped out during his first term. He just wasn't keeping up with the work.

He now works for a high street clothes shop. He's been promoted to a manager role and is loving the politics and people drama of it all. He's been there 18 months now.

He might go back to uni in future, he might not. But he's happy in himself which is the most important thing. He was not happy at uni. He was stressed and knew he wasnt keeping up.

I left my uni course after the first term as it just wasn’t for me. I’d performed much better in my a levels than was expected so I re-applied the next year for another course. I went on to complete a bachelors, masters and doctorate. Better to leave earlier if there are good reasons rather than push through.

DS left after one week, didn’t even attend one lecture. He became a shell of himself. the others in the flat were going out to get drunk and then coming back late making loads of noise. They were taking his food and drink. They weren’t doing any washing up or tiding, the flat was a pig sty when we went to fetch him.
A week after he left another student sadly threw themselves off the top of the building.
It was fine, we brought him home and he got a job back where he had been PT.
He stayed there for a couple of years and then went to our local Uni to do a degree, living at home and commuting. It was a much better experience.

My DD had a really shit start to her first year at uni, (unlucky with accommodation, constant illness, personal issues) culminating in a realisation that she didn't like the course. She made arrangements to re-start the following year and came home at Christmas. She found a part time job which tied in with her new course, got her health issues diagnosed and better managed, learnt to drive and grew so much as a person. I think she felt a bit of a failure at dropping out (as she called it), but she is now half way through her final year, looking at a possible Masters for next year, and is finally seeing it as a positive change of direction.
To be honest, I think it was the best thing for her.

I would probably think about getting your DD to suspend her studies so that she has the option to return when she is ready, unless she is certain that she is on the wrong course and/or at the wrong uni.

My daughter had a similar experience to the poster above - her first term at uni featured a lot of illness and a set of very ill-matched housemates who left the place a tip. She also didn't gel with her course and was totally miserable when she came home at Christmas. We took her back in the January and encouraged her to talk to student services about her wish to leave - they suggested she defer, and also that she switched to a different variant of her course. She agreed to this, got a job in a cafe within a few days and worked her socks off there for six months before going travelling in SE Asia.
She did go back to the different course that september, had a different and lovely set of housemates and completed the course without any difficulty. Has some close friends from uni including the one OK flatmate from her first time around, who telling had also quit after a term and gone back the following year to a university at the other end of the country from the original choice. Both of them are now happy, well adjusted, in good relationships and good jobs. So changing course is certainly not the end!

I second the suggestion of joining WIWIKAU on Facebook.
So informative

Also to echo another poster - my daughter felt 'ashamed' of quitting (and was reluctant to confess it was her second time around when she went back). Interestingly, during Covid she opted to do a Masters in a subject related to her then job, and got a distinction. Think she did it as much to prove to herself she was OK with academic study as to getting the qualification to progress her career.

What’s the issue thats prompting it? What sort of ideas does she have about what to do next / instead?

If it’s a struggling to adjust to uni life thing, then deferring doesn’t seem to really make any difference. Students seem to do better either by rolling sleeves up and engaging with support services, or by chosing not to pursue that style of education. Deferring doesn’t help.

For short term health issues - deferring can be a really good solution.

For long term health issues - it’s a mixed bag. Sometimes deferring and using the time to get a better support / management plan in place works well, other times you just start back to square one when restart.

For chose the wrong course / uni, well worth understanding transfer options ratger than restart.

For uni was the wrong choice - worth a pause before dropping out to consider if not that then what. Some drop out and drift for a very long time NEET.

My DS didn't even start! We drove him up to the Uni a few days after A level results day to have a look around as he was having a wobble about it for all sorts of reasons.

On way home he just said he wasn't ready to leave home and be away from us. He was also very worried about the financial side of things.

He deferred his place for a year and got a job in a local supermarket.

We were so worried he was throwing his life away but things turned out fine in the end. The supermarket job was great for building his confidence and for self development.

He researched his options and decided he wanted to get into the insurance industry.

He got a 6 week paid internship at a firm in London and loved it so much he decided to take some exams to help him get a job. The supermarket kept him on throughout the internship as he worked his contracted hours around it. They were really flexible and supportive so he was very lucky. He was working 7 days a week during that time to fit it all in.

He passed the exams in April and was offered a job which he started in June. He is very happy with how it's all turned out.

I just don't think Uni would have ben right for him.

DD deferred for a year, got nearly half way through year 1 and then covid happened. I thought she was working online in her bedroom but she wasn't. I didn't find out for months, she hadn't actually deferred either. Luckily the uni were very flexible and I helped with paperwork and she did a retrospective deferral.

She went back a year later, got a 1st. Currently doing her masters.

This is exactly what I needed, Mumsnet. Thank you so much for sharing. I keep thinking that one day this will just be one bit of a longer story and these all prove it - so glad for all these young people who found their way. You all sound like wonderful parents.

It really is just one bit of a longer story.
Xxx

I did this way back in the mid 00s - I found the course very interesting and was doing ok marks wise but REALLY struggled with being in this huge university, away from home (I was 4 hours away) and the social aspects of it. I lost a lot of weight and felt very low mentally. I went home for Christmas and dreaded the thought of going back. I did go back for a few weeks but then just felt I couldn’t carry on with it and went home. I had only just turned 18 when I started and really I just wasn’t ready. My parents were very understanding, didn’t push me about it, just came to get me and let me settle back in at home.

I reapplied for a different university, much smaller and closer to home, the following year on a similar but more specialised course, and worked during the gap between the two. I loved it there once I’d settled in, despite finding the first month or so daunting, possibly because I was anxious.

I would suggest meeting with her course tutor and seeing what options are available to her. Does she want to defer and go back, or start somewhere else later on? Has she earned any module credits that might be transferable elsewhere (first year credits can sometimes be used towards other courses). She doesn’t need to make firm decisions now, but it’s worth finding out her options so she can have a think later on.

I didn't go to Uni until I was early twenties and got so much more out of it then, was ready to study and live independently and seize opportunities that came my way by then. At 18 I was just too immature.
We did have a flatmate who never came back after Christmas in the first year, she just didn't enjoy her course (and we were the aforementioned pigs going out partying and not washing up!)
It's really brave to say when something is not working for you in life and to change tack. It certainly isn't something to be ashamed of, as trying something out and deciding it's not for you is part of learning what does motivate you.
Hope your DD is ok, remind her when one door closes, others open 💐

I knew a few weeks within to my first term that I had made the wrong choice and couldn't spend 4 years (let alone the rest of my life) working on that subject.

I made plans to change to another degree for the following year. I finished that degree and been working in that field for 15 years so far. I've had 2 kids and still managed to climb up the ladder. No regrets.

I went to uni at 18, in 2008, and left after a term. I struggled a lot more than anticipated but it’s turns out I am autistic and no one realised (diagnosed last year!).

Anyway, I moved home and ended up in a full time job instead. Worked for a few years, had my dd and then did an access course and went back to uni in 2017. I am SO glad I left when I did as it meant I could get the other 3 years of funding to do another course. And I think there’s a lot to be said for doing a degree as a mature student. I was so much more engaged and squeezed everything I could out of it, unlike a lot of my coursemates who coasted through as they were young and more interested in socialising (not saying all younger people are like this but many were, and I was too at that age.) I absolutely loved it and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

I think taking the time out with no pressure to decide what to do next will be helpful. I think it’s easy to get swept up into applying for uni at that age because everyone else is going, even if you’re not sure about it. It’s not the end of the world to have not graduated by 21. My cousin started a degree at 23 and was so worried he was going to feel really old in halls etc, but it was such a non-issue.

Hope your dd is ok and isn’t feeling too bad about it all. It really isn’t the end of the world and people take all sorts of unconventional paths to where they want to be.