Don’t know what to think of my yearly visit with my father…

[Startingagainandagain999]

Keeping it as short as possible.

my mum and dad divorced when I was 4 (I’m 50 now). Over the years when I was younger I’d stay at his for some of the school holidays, he lived up north with his new wife, while we stayed down south. He was always working when I visited so I didn’t see him much.

Anyway, over the years the visits got less and less. I am agoraphobic so it makes me visiting him not possible, but his wife has family where me and my sister live, so he only comes down when there’s a function that involves his wife’s family.

Today’s visit coincided with a family party of his wife which was last night, it was our ‘Christmas’ visit. He saw my sister yesterday, took her to breakfast and he came to me this morning, for 45 mins.

45 minutes out of 365 days and he sat there barely opening his mouth, his wife talked most of the time thank god, and he was just staring at his watch, then all of a sudden he came out with, got to get going, there’s a match on at 4!

I actually said ‘Are you kidding me, not seen you all year and you want to go so you don’t miss the match’…

I don’t know whether I am upset, or just use to being the one of 4 kids that he doesn’t feel the need to spend time with, either way, the whole 45 minutes felt forced and uncomfortable. He didn’t ask how I was, what I’m doing, what I’d got planned … nothing. He was pretty mute. i did ask him what he’s up to and he said ‘not much’ that was it.

I honestly feel like I have zero relationship with him. He doesn’t know me, or my son. I try and call him and he never answers, or he does but he’s too busy. I didn’t have a relationship with my mums husband (step dad) as he was verbally and very physically abusive until the last few months of his life when I actually forgave him for all the horrible shit he put me through… and I was helping with his care as he was dying.

I’m baffled, Thats all.

My dad was like this. It made me sad he didn’t care. But it wasn’t what it seemed.

I found out when he was on his deathbed that his partner gave him a hard time if he talked about me, phoned me, visited me…..because she was jealous!!! A full grown women!!! Jealous my dad loved me. He wasn’t allowed to sing my praises or anything. Ge wasn’t allowed to visit me alone, she had to come too. Every time.

Yet she seemed to all the world like a normal well balanced woman who cared about me……

So he stopped anything to do with me, abandoned me until she deemed it was time to visit or phone or whatever. He then said yes dear and rang me. Happy wife happy life he thought. Until she started getting more angry and bitter. Was hitting and kicking him. Drinking too much. At which point hed had enough.

So although it appears your dad doesn’t seem to care, there may more to this than meets the eye. Or not. Difficult to know. He won’t rock her boat in case he falls out though.

OP, I am really sorry that your Dad treats you in this manner. How long did your Dad visit your sister for? A similar amount of time or longer? I know it's hard to hear, but you don't have a relationship with your Dad. He doesn't know you and he doesn't know his grandson either. He is aware you have agoraphobia, and that's why you can't visit him, yet he only visits when he's visiting his wife's relatives. You call frequently, he either doesn't answer/calls back or tells you he's busy if he does answer. How is your relationship with his wife? Is it possible the only reason he visits you once a year, is the fact his wife pushes him to do so? The fact she was talking a lot, to me, suggests she knows that if she didn't, you'd all be sat there in silence, with her husband making zero effort. I absolutely understand why you are upset and I understand your reaction to your Dad wanting to go and watch a football match. The reality is, your Dad isn't interested in you or his grandson. You have to decide what you want going forward, because what's very clear is that your Dad is never going to be the person you want him to be. Yes, it's hurtful. For your own sanity, my honest opinion is that you cut contact. It will stop you from putting yourself into the situation where your phone calls are rejected or you receive a 45 minute visit once a year. You are getting nothing from trying to facilitate a relationship with your Dad, he doesn't make any effort. So stop trying, and accept that nothing will change. I'd suggest a few counselling sessions for yourself, to work through your own feelings. You aren't to blame, for having a shitty Dad.

I don’t think it’s his wife, she’s always been okay… it’s him, he’s the same if he’s not with her. I mean, jealousy over 45 mins in a year after 46 years of them being married???

He was just cold and odd, he was the one raring to go, not his wife.

@Sassylovesbooks I think he visits because he HAS to… I know this sounds petty, but I am considering sending him a message to tell him to keep his £20 Christmas money as all it goes on is food and i find it embarrassing on his behalf because his other 2 children show pics on Facebook of what they’ve had and they get iPads, laptops, phones and nice jewellery. I don’t want anything from him… There’s such a difference of treatment between his 2 children with his wife and my sister and I. One of his other children, his son, lives in America and he can go there for 2-3 weeks at a time, and my sister and I get 2.5 hours combined. My sister got more time with him and she’s able to visit as she’s not agoraphobic! Also, when mum and dad separated she was 9 and I was 4 so I really don’t remember anything.

My mum, bless her, has had to deal with everything.

I just feel really sad. Also I remembered something.. we were at my step fathers wake last November and our step mother said to my sister and I (out of no where) “don’t expect anything when your dad dies, because it’s all going to me and i will make sure there’s nothing left”. AT MY STEP FATHERS WAKE!!!!! I never for one second thought I’d be in the will, so whatever, naturally thought it would go to his wife and other 2 kids, but my sister, my sister was shocked beyond belief. All I asked for (this was a few years back now) was his Gretsch acoustic guitar because my mum bought it for him when they were married back in ‘76, but apparently he forgot that conversation and his son is getting it.

I am preparing a message to send to him… I might get ChatGPT to help me!!!!

It sounds as if your step-Mum has influence over your Dad, and she's determined that her children are and will be the most important in his life. It's entirely possible that she is jealous of the fact he was married previously and has children. So although you may get on with your step-Mum, her attitude at your step-Dad's funeral suggests, she's not as 'OK' with you and your sister, as you may think. Even if your step-Mum is influencing your Dad, it doesn't say much for him as a person does it? The fact he's not prepared to stand up to her and be firm that you and your sister are his children too. I wouldn't send him a message, because I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of an explanation. I'd step back completely. Stop calling. I suspect if you stop contact, you won't hear from your Dad. It's up to your sister what she wants to do, but for your own sake, I'd step away permanently. If your Dad has made a Will, then it's likely his wife, not his children who will inherit on his death. Unless he's specifically left anything to you and your sister, then, no, you won't ever see a penny. Your step-Mum has no obligation to provide for you and your sister in her Will and isn't going to either. It's very sad but entirely of your Dad's making.