Loneliness

[teaandtoastwouldbenice]

DC have been my focus and entertainment I guess but they’re 12 and 14 now and quite rightly have their own social stuff going on and eldest likes to sleep in at weekends meaning our usual day trips are reducing.

DH doesn’t do anything except work. Finically this is kind of necessary but it’s our anniversary weekend and we’ve done nothing beyond him coming home with a bottle of wine. He works late, till gone 10pm most days of the week with a new business. I’m fine with the business and his aspirations but I’ve realised I’ve been married for 24 years and all my ‘fun’, social events/holidays etc have been with others.

Work - I have a good full time job that I enjoy but there’s a lot of working from home and I don’t think it’s good for my mental health

Friends - my once fun circle is getting very small and my good friends are like me - broke, tired but also have younger children taking up their time.

Family - very small, very dysfunctional.

I have some small hobbies. I’m usually someone quite content on my own but I feel like I’m sinking it to a pit of depression, I desperately want some fun and human connection.

Anyone else?

I think the situation you find yourself in is very common. You get into a routine with the kids when they are small and exhausting and then any downtime is welcome as a break. Now they're that bit older you have a bit more time but haven't invested in anything over the years so feel very much at a loose end. I can imagine your DHs work pattern can't help and you must miss him being around.

I would keep those connections with your kids. I know given their ages you're not necessarily the person they always want to hang out with but plan some days or events with them. Maybe a Christmas market, theatre trip, meal out. Just so you have few special dates in the calendar to look forward to. Maybe pin your DH down to something too.

I think you then need to consider something for you. Is there voluntary work you could do? Could you get into something social like walking? Is there something you have always wanted to learn? I played badminton with a group and found it was a nice way to spend a couple of hours. I got to chat and exercise. I've seen loads of back to netball sessions advertised. Might be worth seeing if there is something similar in your area.

Building up connections takes time, so don't expect it all at once. My Aunt has done brilliantly volunteering for a few hours a week at a local hospital which has a small garden she and a few other people help maintain. My mum joined the local choir as she loves singing and they have a social side too.

I really hope you can find something. If you do start feeling very low it would be worth speaking to your doctor.

Hear you OP! You are not alone. Older now but went through this in midlife 40-50 with dc around year 24. DH and self both wfh - my work took me out more and I earned more - but still financially stretched. Now a GM I see this happening with DD and DIL. It’s quite a common experience and can be unsettling - definitely a stage when things change physically and mentally. It can be hard to prioritise yourself after years of prioritising your mothering job, but if you’re feeling things are shifting maybe you need to update your dreams and ideas for the next stage of your life so you can steer a course, not just drift. in changing winds! Try having a conversation with yourself around these few questions - and listen carefully to the answers: What do you love and appreciate about yourself? What do you cherish about your life right now? What do you want to change - what makes you sad anxious angry? What’s your dream for yourself, your family, your relationships, your world? What’s an idea or simple action that might help this dream become reality? Give yourself permission OP and take some time to reflect on what’s important to you - it’ll help you to see where you want to be and what you have to build with for the future. Then you can make a plan! Good luck!