To feel so upset that I’ve been such a rubbish mum and wife

[confusedlots]

Looking in from the outside we have a nice life. We married and soon after had 2 kids. I work part time. We built a house out in the country and the kids are really settled in their school and with all their friends and activities. We get on well with parents of other kids in school and have made a few nice friendship groups as parents. We have had some lovely holidays the past few summers and I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to take a bit of extra time off work in the summer to be around for the kids.

But on the inside it’s a completely different story. The house build put a massive strain on our relationship and lots of bickering between me and DH behind closed doors. We really lost our way and I felt we spent a good few years not being a team. I had to deal with all the day to day family stuff and became really resentful that he wasn’t doing his bit around the house, or at the very least checking in with me and being aware of how much I was doing. He did a lot of physical work on the house build which I am forever grateful for, but we are still a family unit and I was disappointed that he felt he could check out of the majority of family life (apart from the nice bits like attending Christmas plays etc) just because he was working on the house build. Any time I brought it up resulted in an argument as he felt I was nagging him.

We plodded along like this for years. I was unhappy but didn’t want to leave as I really thought we could resolve it. But I got nowhere any time I raised it. As a result I didn’t enjoy family life and, although I love my kids dearly, I feel like I wasn’t a great mum. I also had a lot of stress in my family with my parents which has taken a massive toll on me, and with little support from DH.

I’m not sure what has happened, but the past few weeks have brought a real change in DH. He’s engaging in actual conversations about family stuff and listening to my opinions without starting an argument. He’s still not tidying up much after himself, but even this change that has come about has completely lifted me and made me so much happier as a part of this family. I don’t know if this is going to continue but I’m going to try my best to show DH that this is how life really should be.

I’m sitting here in bed crying, because this is how life should have been. I’m upset for the years that the kids have missed out on having a proper family life. I’ve been unhappy and this has no doubt affected how I parented the kids. I’m not sure I’m even making much sense but I’m so upset for the years that I lost with them.

It's hard, but I think your last few years aren't uncommon- the details are different but i recognise the underlying pattern from my own experience. How old are your children? Give yourself the chance to work through your feelings, but enjoy that things are better and see if your husband is open to talking through how to keep the current momentum going. Would counselling help? Oh, and as long as you love your children and have been there, that's what they will remember.

You did not lose years though, you both worked incredibly hard to create a life and a house for them? Most of us have to do this - hardly anyone is rich enough to just enjoy those early years.
My tip to you is to recreate memories. Get some old photos, print them off, remember the good times and write little diary notes on the side. You will be surprised how many happy moments you can find.

Our marriage with young kids went through a similar trajectory. Don’t worry. My kids now talk about their ‘idyllic childhood’ even though I was inattentive and unhappy. They were oblivious because we did everything to keep them
centred.

Our kids are adults now and we all still hang out and love each other. Our family life is lovely so I do think if he has genuinely changed, it’s worth holding on.

I can relate to this.

I think you have to put it down to busy lives, so many stresses and challenges.

But you must have kept some communication going to be where you are.

Stick in there. Onwards and upwards.

Honestly @confusedlotsI think that this is life for most families.
life in the trenches with young children is hard for any couple never mind building your own house too.

resentment is very common and
we have had some really difficult times over the years as a couple but yesterday we had lunch with dd1&3 and they were saying how happy a childhood they have had and that they are happy to have loving relationships with their partners as that’s what they saw us having as their parents when I sat there thinking what about the difficult times and sad moments.

I guess what I’m saying is that kids see the best in their parents and don’t remember the same way as we as mothers do - agonising over ever bit of bickering between us etc.
(obviously different in abuse situations before anyone comes at me )

I hope you can find a way to live in the present now and try to let go of the past and be happy and realise every one is only ever doing their best.

You were both in a crap place with a lot of demands on you. Each of you prioritised a different approach to resolving it.

DH and I are sitting down later to plan the next month- urgent/important and a calendar! That way we will both know what we will focus on when and feel more like a joint effort.

Don't overanalyse it.

Just mentally close the chapter and try to do better from today.

Thanks, your messages have made me feel a bit better about the situation. The other thing that has got on top of me while I’ve lacked motivation to do much is the clutter in the house, and I feel bad that the kids have spent so much time growing up in a messy cluttered house. I have made a little progress on this lately but I really need to get properly on top of it.

Just take it a little bit at a time... one thing here, one thing there. The DCs are unlikely to mind the mess. I've heard plenty of young adults complain about their childhoods, but no one has ever moaned about their house being too cluttered!

Go easy on yourself 💚

Right. Stop being so hard on yourself. You did what you had to do at the time, in the trenches. I’ve been exactly the same. Was v resentful but both dug deep and worked very very hard to get where you wanted to be. You need to realise that you each have to pay the price and no side is perfect. He’s sad he missed out on the love and attention from the kids and is nurturing it now. My husband did the same. He regrets and is a bit jealous of the time with the kids now they are all grown up. I was too exhausted and put myself last for 20 years so now resetting the clock ⏰ Kids are happy and well balanced now which is the best outcome.
Give yourself loads of treats and have some smashing times as a couple as by God it sounds like you have earned it in spades.

You are normal but don’t waste time beating yourself up.
Now it’s time for YOU!!! 🙌 Bring it on!!

I think it's normal to look back on parts.of your parenting life with some regrets. I don't think it's healthy to beat yourself up constantly but equally being self-aware is good surely? I look back on some times.and cringe, but I was sleep deprived and overworked! Me and DP argue loads less than we did because we are less busy, stressed and tired. Just try to enjoy this phase, having made it to this point.
My DP is calmer and kinder now than he was 20 years ago. I think this might be related to declining testosterone levels. Also, perhaps as we mature, we learn not to sweat the small stuff as much.