I just had to resign and I’m feeling really sad

[Pixieknowle]

It’s been an incredibly stressful few years, I got a new part time job after maternity leave, went back quite a bit earlier than planned as I didn’t want to go back to a fulltime role with 2 young children.

I’ve really struggled firstly with kids being poorly and having to take time off and then recently our childcare very last minute let us down so I suddenly found myself with no childcare at all. I’ve had to find random nanny’s from agencies etc to cover.

Work were outwardly understanding but basically gave me no choice but to resign, you know when it’s so obvious they are about to fire you and it’s best you leave first!

My husband works away a lot, isn’t around to help with any childcare etc.

How do people cope with young kids, illness, unreliable childcare and trying desperately to always be in and reliable at work?

I’ve lost about 10kg since starting the job totally unintentionally just through stress of trying to always turn up!

I also resigned when in a similar situation. I realise now that I have a very poor pension and my career definitely took a dive but with no family support nearby and unaffordable childcare I had no
option.
its very challenging

I am not sure there is any advice which would make this situation better, but wanted to say I am so sorry. It sounds really difficult and no wonder you are sad.

Like you, I just stayed home. I was able to pick things up later and my husband paid into my pension for me.

It's incredibly tough when children are pre-school. The burden nearly always falls on the mother to miraculously be in two places at once.

it is in no way your fault. You could not have done better or differently. It is a sickness in our society that we cannot grasp the fact that a mother cannot effectively contribute to the workforce without excellent wraparound childcare provision. The way society is set up is not logical or practical and benefits no one. It has been decades since families could afford to live on one wage. So it is time to address this problem.

Is there any work you could do from home? the one good thing post-covid is that working form home is more normalised so there may be more opportunities for it.

We paid through the nose (about £16k a year, term time cover only) for childcare. We have the same nanny (a share of her!) now, 12 years later. Money well spent. DH is a teacher so he covered all the holidays. It would have been diabolically expensive to have the quality of care we had all year round although we could have done it. Many people I know it’s all of one salary for preschoolers with the view to it being worth it in the medium term.

You need to find a reliable nursery. Get DC settled in and then look for work. That's how most people manage. Also, how old are DC?

I had to do this as a child of mine had to come out of education for a few years... I felt inititaly sad and defeated by it all but as time went on I really appreciated how much pressure I had been under. Many years later I have a job that is working from home and I love it. I have to be honest, I don't regret it at all because I had time with my children that I cannot get back and I found in a situation where if you don't have robust family support the only thing that can give is the children and I was sick of that. Give yourself a break, you cannot do everything all the time so stop trying to solve the puzzle that you wouldn't expect of anyone else you cared for to manage. This has been too much so please take care of yourself and take some time to build yourself back up. If i told you what you'd just outlined, you'd say the same to me.

Thanks everyone you are so kind, I am looking forward to spending more time with the children especially the little one as I felt a bit robbed of mat leave x

Nursery fees for two dc could easily cost more than the OP can earn. What would be the point?

We used a nursery (much more reliable) and rarely had them miss time, and Dh was around to split the load. Honestly, unless mine were vomiting, had a fever that couldn’t be controlled by calpol or had chicken pox, they’ll continue went to nursery. I didn’t keep them home for coughs and colds. So actual days off was really only a few times a year. Dh and I shared those days as our jobs are both important.

That said, I’m a big believer that things do happen for a reason. Whatever that job was, just wasn’t meant for you. You needed to clear a path and create space for something different.

Well when I went back to work I told my husband he'd have to take his turn with some of the kidwork. He tried to argue that his job wasn't flexible enough so I told him he'd need to take one that was, even if it meant he earned less.

Turned out his employer was more flexible than he thought (which Im sure every woman in the company could have told him).

Nursery or nanny. Yes, it was basically my net salary but we didn't count like that. It was clear from the beginning that I would return and DH and I planned accordingly.
One family income, all outgoing came from that regardless of who earned what.

The first year was the worst, DH stepped in a lot, making sure to his company that unless he was away (every 2-3 months for 1 week), he would be the one staying at home when DD was ill for the first 6 months to get me back to working and showing my work that I am reliable.

It was ok, not easy but managable.

I managed to go down to 3 days and that would have been impossible with any new employer so it was worth battling it through.

I was in the same position many years ago. Resigned as taking time off for poorly children was getting silly as I had no family nearby and an offshore partner. I resented it in a way for years but it was better for my children.

I know a lady who got a live in au pair. The young lady was from an agency. You might need to agree she can attend college once a week but she said it worked out less expensive. You need to feed the au pair help though.

I have to agree with this.

I mean "My husband works away a lot, isn’t around to help with any childcare etc." immediately puts you on the back foot.

Men have it great.

They don’t, or they do and it takes a toll on health and relationships. I know you’re sad about it but my god you’ll find it easier! Just try and keep educates/ skilled etc for the future

Please let go of the sadness. Everything happens for reason. I’ve done so much juggling in my time, just to keep my pin ( nurse). Two kids. My eldest was pretty good with nursery, but when my youngest came along, it was a different story. She always had some kind of lurgy and so the nursery wouldn’t accept her. I ended up doing nights for 3 years. And if I could go back in time, I’d have just had those lovely years being with my kids. Your career can be picked up at a later time when your kids are older. Enjoy it xxx

We had 3 under 5 at one stage, so I gave up any ideas of working and DH paid NI for me through his business. Even during the 1st years of primary, it was tough until their immune systems become more robust aged 7/8ish and they're not constantly unwell in the winter. I then took on evening/weekend work so one of us was always home. It saddens me that as a society we don't value raising our own children. I loved those years, yes we went without holidays and new cars etc but it was such precious time.

Incredibly tough for everyone all around by the sound of it. I am sure your employer also did not want to have an employee leave.

It is important when you get your head on straight to determine what future you want if you are dependant on your husband for income. By resigning you are not only losng your income and the savings on that, your pension contributions, but also your ability to be competitive in the workplace.

There are lots of ways about this.. he pays your pension and splits the post tax/bills salary with you in your own account. He takes a job so he can be at home an equal amount, and you agree on a period of time that he takes off of work for you to update your skills and knowledge.

We take it turn about when kids are sick so one workplace isn’t taking the hit. We also have a great nursery that rarely closes, and is happy to give kids calpol if slightly under the weather and doesn’t call us to pick up at the slightest hint of illness.

Our kids also just don’t seem to get sick very often (I understand that this is nothing we’ve had any influence over, it’s just luck of the draw). They get coughs and colds but they still go to nursery.

Had no family help in 6 years, just odd days here and there that could be planned in advance. I went back 4 days but my job pays well so we could afford to take the hit. Things start to get easier when they go to school. We picked one with robust wraparound care and it’s a lot cheaper than a day nursery.