Past drinking problem, now ok, but desire to get blot drunk

[Pitstop1986]

So, I used to have a lot of mental health problems and I used alcohol to cope. I used to drink 1-2 bottles per night, 4-5 times per week. I tried to cut down, but i always failed. I could never have just one or two glasses, I needed to get blackout drunk.

I met my now husband, he's a lovely, caring man. Before, I would always be in abusive relationships which impacted my mental health more. Since meeting my husband, my drinking decreased, although when I first met him, we argued about how much I drank in one night- he's the sort of person who has one G+T whereas I drank a bottle of wine (sometimes more) and he couldn't comprehend that. I just had the notion that I didn't want to feel anymore, so was using alcohol to numb myself.

Since getting pregnant with my first, I stopped drinking, drank the odd glass of wine through breastfeeding, but never more than one glass. Got pregnant with my second and obviously never drank through pregnancy, again, not regularly, but the odd glass of wine when breastfeeding.

Since I stopped breastfeeding, I buy the mini bottles of wine and have one every Friday night after work. Occasionally, I get a 750ml bottle, but share it with my husband.

Sometimes, I get the urge to book a hotel, buy a bottle of wine and get blot drunk. Literally get drunk, listen to music, eat treats and have a night where I don't have to think, I'm not a mum, and I can relax.

I feel like I can't do this, as I feel like it's my past drinking problem returning. It would just be a once off. I cook, I clean, I look after the kids and work full time, I feel like I need one night to switch off.

Also, I don't have friends who go on boozy nights out, so literally haven't been drunk for 5 years

I understand that desire, but play the tape forward to the black depression the next day.

It doesn’t sound like you should be drinking any alcohol at all.

There is an amazing thread on here which you should definitely read: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5425478-i-found-an-old-note-to-myself?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

The best glass of wine is always the first anyway. Why not treat yourself to something else that's kind of decadent and free? Maybe a really good meal out by yourself with a book?

It's an addiction and no shame to admit it. Your life is better without that. What would you like to do that wont be ruinous for your health/life?

I was very similar a few years ago and occasionally I get the urge to just drink myself into oblivion. I miss the numb, but free feeling alcohol gave me. When I get the urge these days, I either write down or just think about the next day. I get horrific hangovers and my anxiety goes off the scale after a session. So far that's really worked to keep me sensible.
It is really hard though.

There’s two things here:

(1) It’s totally fine to have a night out even when you’re a mum. Lots of people have boozy weekends away. My dh, for example, is taking his staff out tonight for their Christmas do. Will get drunk in a hotel room with colleagues and have a big night. That’s fine as a parent. You aren’t on duty all the time and fun doesn’t end because you have a child.

(2) BUT if you have a problem with drinking, it doesn’t go away because you’ve had a break for a few years or you’d had 2 babies. It may start off slowly, but those neural pathways are formed already. If your drinking was once a problem, if you keep drinking it will continue to be more and more of a problem. It’s like being on a lift that only goes down. You can get off anytime you choose, but once your brain reacts to alcohol addictively, if you start drinking again, you get back on that lift and it will only go down. So do be mindful of how your drinking changes as your children get older and you feel you have more freedom, because it can be a very slippery slope.

That being said, as a mum who once also had 2 small children (mine are bigger now), you do need a break. Book yourself into a hotel. I go book an Airbnb for several days alone at least once a year. But don’t waste that time to recharge on booze. Go to a spa. Read a book. Watch a series on Netflix. Go walk the coast path and dip your toes in the sea. Get a nice full night of sleep and wake up refreshed (not hungover). It’s amazing.

Kindly, This is the illness talking. The dreaming, planning, justifying…It will not be a ‘one-off’

Get yourself to a meeting. There are better ways to switch off.

I don’t think this is a normal way for thinking around alcohol. I’ve never just fancied getting really drunk. But I do look forward to a glass of wine on a Friday. However I stop at half a bottle so spread the bottle out over the weekend. I think in your case, it’s risky.

Get yourself to an AA meeting. This is why people say 'I am an alcoholic' and not 'I was an alcoholic' even if they haven't drunk for years. The addiction is always there.

I can massively relate but I know that one night would lead to another and another. I think about how sick physically and mentally I would feel the next day, and how much harder it would be to resist the next time.

How about a night away in a spa hotel? Have a lovely massage, have nice food, one glass of wine maybe, and an early night in a gorgeous big bed with a book.

Massive well done you. You sound super strong x

What is it you don't want to think about OP? Why can't you relax?

Did you get help with your MH and are you still getting help? It sounds like you were self medicating for a long time. Get some help if you haven't already but don't head back down that slipper slope. Do have some time out to do something lovely for yourself though.

Your past drinking problem isn't returning, it never went away.

You've done what many people do, which is address the symptoms. But not the underlying feelings, not the cause. Because wanting to go away, eat snacks, have a night off, all fabulous. But wanting to get pass-out drunk is dangerous and very bad for you. And signals there are things going on for you that require some therapy.

All the very best.