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35 but I feel like my life has barely started

8 replies

PurpleSky300 · 20/11/2025 23:29

For various reasons, I've been slow to hit the milestones we are supposed to hit in life. I couldn't afford to move out and buy my own house until I was 28, I didn't have a serious relationship until I was 30, stayed in a fairly low-paid job until I was 32, been digging myself out of debt for a couple of years.

I'm starting to get my ducks in order now, so to speak, but I still feel miles and miles behind my friends who have had children and been married for years at this point. I feel like everyone has their life path laid out and is all 'settled' but I haven't even got started - and I'm not even sure how to start?!

Sometimes I wonder "what kind of life do I want?" and I don't really know. I am trying to meet people because I always feel like I should have more friends and I should have found The One by now, and I should have a dog and all the rest of it. I feel a bit directionless. I have never wanted to have children but then I look at other people and think "what else will I do with my life then?". I am an only child. And the daily routine of work, sleep, work, eat, just eats away time. I feel rootless and restless.

OP posts:
PinkArt · 21/11/2025 00:57

If you live to say your 80s you have barely started on your 30s!
Stop comparing your life to other people's. It never helps. Your 30s is definitely a time when everyone suddenly starts ticking off the adult milestones, but everyone is running their own race. You've bought a house? Amazing, huge achievement. You're in or have been in a long term relationship? Also amazing. You've worked to get yourself out of debt? Go you - that's taken some hard work and strength of character.
Honestly you probably just need to give your head a bit of a wobble. You're already achieving all sorts and it sounds like you just need to find some cherries on top to add a bit of extra excitement. Maybe try a new club/ hobby/ class per week as a new year's resolution. Or find a charity to volunteer for if you feel like you need to find purpose. I don't think anything is missing from your life but it sounds like you feel like it is, so make this coming year one where you actively seek joy.

RogueFemale · 22/11/2025 19:47

@PurpleSky300 You remind me a bit of me at your age (I'm GenX). Also an only child (of a single mother) and spent much of my childhood alone, - happily in a way, but I wasn't really socialised or given any guidance. I had no idea you were meant to want to get married and have children, no idea what a career was. Left school at 16, both parents happy as they didn't have to pay school fees anymore.

Then I drifted along for years, in low paid, zero prospect, jobs, at slightly glamorous London companies. Had boyfriends, always the ones who want to fuck you but not marry you. It never occurred to me this wasn't right, back then. If I ever thought about having children, which wasn't often, I always knew I'd never do it unless I were married, - I'd hated having a single mother, all my school friends seemed to have 'happy' families. Even then, I didn't actually want to have children.

At age 36 I finally got my act together and got a place at a good university to study for a BA, and I got a 2:1 degree. (This was only after very serious prodding from a friend who cared and saw that I was drifting - "You have to do something!")

Sorry to go on about me. But I wanted to explain where my advice is coming from.

My advice is, don't drift. If you don't want children, really don't have them. There is more to life than reproducing and living in a routine with a husband who, chances are, will leave you for a younger woman. Also don't get pets if you don't want them.

Enjoy the fact that you don't want children, think deeply about what you'd love to do, - really love - career wise. At your very young age anything is still possible.

The One is a fantasy, - the rescuer, the knight in shining armour.

When I look back at myself, I can see that I never wanted to be married. - I had a couple of odd offers in my 30s - And I think it's a fine thing not to marry and to have the freedom to be yourself.

ZaraCC · 22/11/2025 20:05

I think this is quite exciting. You do not want children so you are not sad about having potentially missed that so you are so free now to do what you want.

Take your time and really think! The places you want to see, perhaps a job or lifestyle you would love! The opportunities are endless. Perhaps a life coach would help!

Plus the sad reality is that those friends who settled young, there will be divorces, starting afresh for some also. I think you being a late starter is a positive - when you decide what you want in life, you are in a far better position than someone who falls into a marriage and kids young without really being sure about what they want to do with their life! (Not that there is anything wrong with having children young etc).

RoamingToaster · 22/11/2025 20:09

I don’t have much to say but I do feel the same. I just seemed to bum round in my 20s and wish I was more focused. At least you know you don’t want children so that makes things less complicated.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 22/11/2025 20:11

I'm almost 34 and in a similar boat, as I do have a dd and dont own a house

But I think its a good place to be in girl

The future is bright 🥰

DoubleYellows · 22/11/2025 20:16

Excellent post from @RogueFemale. You’re in a great position to think in a very wide-ranging way about exactly what you want from your life. ‘The usual adult milestones’ are irrelevant to you unless they’re things you actively want to do. Never marry because you think you’re supposed to, or have a child you don’t really want because you’re not sure what you’d do otherwise.

Id suggest some therapy to help you explore what you want, if life as you’re currently living it isn’t satisfying. There’s a whole world out there.

PurpleSky300 · 22/11/2025 20:42

Is there such a thing as too much choice? When I look at other people, it often seems like there's a 'domino effect' in terms of how they arrived at their life.

Eg. you meet someone - you want to live nearer to them so you move, or they move. You choose city or country. You meet their friends and networks. Maybe you change jobs. And somehow you have some direction..

On my own, what can I really do? Pottery, poetry, cat fostering, book club? I don't have any nieces or nephews to play auntie with. I am spending too much time on my own, bingeing Netflix shows and I just don't know where to start. I have decided that:

I need to learn to drive (another thing I never mastered)
I want to get my teeth fixed and whitened
I am going to go at least weekly to a women's meet-up

And somehow - perhaps that first domino will fall?

OP posts:
DoubleYellows · 22/11/2025 20:51

I think you should think less about how you’d like something external to narrow your choices, and more about figuring out what you actually want, and acting on those wishes. If work isn’t satisfying you, retrain, or take a career break? A friend of mine took eighteen months out to volunteer in rural Ghana, returned and changed her life completely. Would you like to be in a relationship? If so, do something about that? Are you living where you grew up? Travel

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