Going away for the first time leaving DC with Dad - experiences?

[mumsweekend]

I know it’s a rite of passage etc but I will be leaving my DD age 5 with my husband / her Dad for the first time this weekend. I have to travel for a work conference all day Friday until Sunday night in another country. I have never left her overnight let alone gone abroad without her. DH travels for work all the time.

My husband is good at playing with her and is very much the “fun dad”, but not great with things like cooking, routines, structure etc. We are different. I work shorter hours and he works longer hours, plus I’m very organised so our set up has resulted in a rather traditional one - not intended- where I organise all the family / school stuff and take charge of things like school pick ups, clubs, routines, mealtimes, bedtimes eg.

At weekends we do share and tend to do it all together as a family of 3, but still I do the cooking and am most “on the ball” in terms of keeping an eye on timings, getting ready for bathtime etc. I also feel I’m better at “anticipating” - eg when DD will be hungry, thinking in advance to prepare a snack, noticing when a meltdown could happen, or what time to start leaving an activity and giving due warning etc. DH would say I am too structured and need to lighten up! I would say he’s not structured enough with DD- would let her have cereal for dinner and go to bed 2 hours late etc.

As it’s the weekend and not a school night I’m prepared that a lot of things might slide - healthy eating, bedtime, etc, and that’s ok occasionally.

Some will say I have a DH problem, others may recognise this set up in their own family.

Either way as it’s the first time I’ve left her I do feel worried but I am not worried about her safety just that I’ll miss her etc.

I’m guessing the correct approach for me is to simply let them get on with it and let him find his way / make his own mistakes etc.

Any advice from those who’ve been there?

Just accept what you can and can't control. It sounds as though you like to be "in control" (not controlling!), to be prepared and anticipate next steps etc.

So - quick shop before you go to top up DD's usual breakfasts, snacks, dinners. Maybe look out clothes you know would make sense for the weather/activities (my DH never thought about wellies/hats/gloves!).

I'm sure you'll all be fine - but these little things might bring you a bit of comfort.

It's ok if dad has a different routine or does things differently as long as DD is happy and safe.

And you can FaceTime, and you'll be back before you know it! Good luck!

Good grief. I won’t see 60 (or 65 for that matter) again and I was left in my Dad’s care all the time. It was the thing for women to have weekends in London for the Ideal Home exhibition etc. I am amazed that this is an issue in the 21st Century.

Ahhhh leave them be.

So your DH isn't as organised as you and doesn't have structure or your cooking skills. They will no doubt be fine and may even have a blast and do some bonding.

Not everything has to be structured and organised, especially not at a weekend.

I think you need to relax and just let them get on with it. Not so much structure, cereal at bedtime, a slightly later night than usual won't do her any harm.

Just leave them to it
He is an adult with a professiinal.job he can take care if a 5 year old his daughter!
Do not micro manage. Let go
No need to do shopping for them
At 5 she can speak and request and she and dad can go out to shops ifanything needed.
About time he took responsibility.! Does he check all snacks in situ before he travels?!
If she gets shoes wet in snow coz didnt wear wellies they will both learn for next time

I pre cooked a lot at that age if I needed to go away and bought loads of snacks. DH however liked going for dinner out. They discovered a couple of. Ice restaurants and my DC felt v grown up ordering off the (kids) menu.

My first work trip was a week overseas, I ordered and wrapped a little gift for each day. I was away and hid them around the house, I left DH a list of where they were.

Is your dd quite independent? Can she do things like pick out her own clothes, take a shower, brush her teeth in the morning without being reminded?

Just let him look after her his way as long as she is looked after that is all that matters.

I’m guessing the correct approach for me is to simply let them get on with it and let him find his way / make his own mistakes etc.

Yes. It is perfectly normal to leave a child with one parent, and as long as he is capable of keeping her safe and secure, do not attempt to control or micromanage him.

He is her loving parent, a grown adult of presumably normal intelligence and capabilities. Just focus on getting ready for your trip and job.

Gently, you are massively overthinking this. I think it's quite unusual to get to 5 years old without ever being apart from your DC overnight where there is a loving, willing and adequately competent second parent available.

Just let them get on with it. He will figure it out and probably become a better parent as a result.

That being said...

The one thing I'd watch for is that when you are the default parent that has to insist on all the boring everyday necessities of doing homework, eating broccoli and going to bed at a sensible time, it is very easy for the non-default parent to play "Disney Dad" and let these things slip while they are on duty.

This is no problem at all from the point of view of the child - no harm done - but it can be absolutely infuriating because it leaves the non-default parent with an unrealistic view of how easy everything is and reinforces their opinion that you are overcomplicating things. Whereas actually, yes, it is indeed very easy to spend one night solo parenting when you play with them instead of making them do homework, give them ice cream for dinner, let them stay up as late as they like and sleep in their clothes!

Well yes this is definitely the dynamic we have! He has never done the normal week of pick ups etc. if I was going away during the week he would have to do so but this conference is over the weekend, annoyingly.

I don’t think it’s that uncommon to get to 5 and not have left her overnight? She was born in Covid so the first 2 years we didn’t leave her side anyway, and we don’t have anyone else in our family, so as my husband works away a lot I have to be there always, as there is literally no-one else.

This specific time just leave them to it, it will be ok.

but be careful going forwards, we had this kind of dynamic and not only was it wildly frustrating for me being the one that planned and arranged the boring stuff, but actually my husband explained that he felt like I didn’t trust him and he didn’t have a chance to step up (that in itself was irritating because its not like I enjoy cleaning toilets, if you want to do it just do it!). Anyway it has really helped our relationship to define who does what. Then I don’t burn out doing everything and he gets the trust and responsibility that he wants.

if your husband can’t do pick ups etc then maybe discuss with him taking some other things on. For example Mine does all the meal planning and food shopping. If we run out of milk he has to run out after bed time and get some. It’s very freeing for me and he likes having an important role.

Just go. Dad will cope. DD will
cope.

it’s really not that big a deal.

If after 5 years of being a dad, he cant look after his kid on his own for a weekend, then you need a new husband.

However i would guess that you are massively overthinking it and he will be absolutely, and in the nicest possibly way you are probably being a bit of a martyr about it all.

Do absolutely nothing to prepare. Cheerful goodby have a lovely time and go. If you think she might miss you, don’t call-let him call you when it’s a good time. Enjoy your time away.

I left my 2 DS (age 20mths and 5) with my husband for 2 weeks whilst I was away in the Far East.He took leave from work (self-employed). He managed absolutely fine. It was a bit of a learning curve for him, and he had a new appreciation of all the things I normally did. They all survived! I think your partner and DC will be absolutely fine.

I left my 2 ds with my exh when I went on work trip abroad, they were 1 and 2. They had the same socks on when I got back!

As time went on he became really unreliable and eventually I left him.

If he is a good dad ( unlike my experience) you'll all be fine