Intense parental preference driving us apart

[Emonade]

I have been co sleeping since my little boy was about a month old and have always breast fed. He is now eighteen months old and he has on and off periods of refusing to be with his dad, my partner is amazing and works from home and is self employed so spends a huge amount of quality time with my son and is a brilliant dad, however at the moment my son screams for me the minute I leave the room. I had very bad post natal anxiety and no real support network so I never go out but for example in the morning if it’s been a bad night I will take him downstairs and his dad will play while I have more sleep, he will scream and cry and it’s awful, same if I try and take the dog for a walk or nip to the shop once his dad has finished work, I don’t really get any break. I am really struggling with it. I feel like I have given him a shitty attachment by being anxious and he has picked up on it? When we go to toddler groups he is clingy to start with but then goes off and won’t look for me til it’s finished and also goes to my mum easily but again if I am there and then go to leave he cries a lot for me. I guess what I am after is reassurance, I think I am just so knackered I feel guilty all the time and still fairly high anxiety levels and I don’t have abyone in real life to ask. It is making it hard for me and my partner as it makes him upset and I know IABU but it makes me resent him.

What happens if instead of you leaving, your DH takes DS out to the park or somewhere?

I think a lot of kids go through this phase despite the parents best efforts. You just need to try different strategies. For example, all play together in the living room & then you pop to the kitchen to fetch a drink. Gradually extend the time you are out of the room.

A degree of preference is perfectly natural. Just keep reassuring your partner of that. Most children go through a phase of preferring one parent over the other.

It happened in my family as well, with me as a baby, and then with my son - Your son is very young at the moment, but what was important for us was:

1 - make sure that both parents are doing sleep related care (putting to bed and more importantly, being there when they wake up). We found a huge preference formed if it was just me always being there every time he slept or woke up. Sleep is a very vulnerable time, and young kids can really latch on to the person that is with them through that.

2 - Force yourself to let them have 1-1 time, especially outside of the house. It just isn't the same if you are there - if it is always the baby + you, or all three, then of course the baby will bond far stronger with you. Let your partner take him out, alone, for afternoons/mornings.. give them plenty of time to bond - at that age, children bond far stronger 1-1 than in groups - although he might cry, you need to be strong and not jump back in. Going out is good because it is distracting and may reduce crying.

3 - He is too young for this, but as your child becomes old enough to have "interests" make sure that some of those are things that he shares and does only with your partner. So they become "Daddy" activities, that he associates just with daddy. That will help his understanding that both parents provide different things, and both are valuable. If you can give him all the play he needs, why does he need Daddy? But if only daddy plays football, or wrestles, or wants to talk about space ships, then Daddy has a purpose in his mind.

Can you stop the co-sleeping and start winding down the breastfeeding.

One way or another you need to step back and give your husband opportunities for connecting with his son, even if he is clingy and cries initially. Things like taking him to the playgrounds, walks, playing games, building Duplo towers, reading, drawing, finger painting, making music with xylophones or upturned saucepans, giving him dinner…

The fact that you never (NEVER ?!!) go out is concerning. You need to establish a life of your own - friendships, hobbies, interests beyond your little family, planning to return to work.

Hi OP, we are in a very similar situation with my 19month old DD2. We have stopped cosleeping (unless illness or very bad teething nights) and i try and find opportunities to leave the house so DH and DD can have time together. She is definitely much worse if she knows I am at home. DH says she is ok if I am totally out of the house. I recently went for lunch with some friends and she went down for a nap with him, which has NEVER happened before, so I think our strategy is working. I also encourage them to play together - DH used to cook and id be with the DC, but we've swapped now so i cook and he has the time just to sit on the floor with them and play. Good luck - it has been so tough for DH when she is just screaming for me.

I would ignore the advice to wean down breastfeeding. Your partner can always be involved with meals if he wants to be.

i think this is likely normal and developmental even though it’s hard. I would maybe try to work on your feelings around it as it sounds like a hard time? Why do you resent your partner when it happens? Be kind to yourself, PP anxiety is not easy x

My daughter was like this at around the same age, absolutely inconsolable when I tried to leave the house without her. But I hadn’t had any anxiety and we always went out lots. I’d just been her main carer and she was also quite physically attached to me - breast feeding but also she used to stick her hand down my top while sucking her thumb.

Anyway she never showed any long term anxiety at all, it was just a phase. She was off having sleepovers, never homesick, very confident always and now she’s a teenager she hates my guts. I wouldn’t worry.

It's a completely normal phase at exactly this age. You are the primary attachment figure and your child is experiencing separation anxiety - it's a good sign of normal psychological/social development showing a secure attachment to you (it would be more concerning if your child didn't show any sign of distress on separation at this age as that might indicate insecure attachment). You just have to go with it - it will pass like all other stages.

I don't think you should wean off breastfeeding or co sleeping if you don't want to. There are lots of other ways the Dad can be involved- taking to the park, bathtime, mealtime, stories.
DS was similar but did get less extreme then switched to DH at about 3. It is pretty normal.
Do let yourself do things though. I did go out and see friends etc and DH just had to get on with it.