Feeling like the default parent even when I am not home

[Nanase]

A friend of mine told me something the other day, and it really stuck with me. She works full time, and her partner works full time too. On paper it looks very balanced. But she said that even when she is not home, she is still the default parent.
For example, she will be at work, and her partner will call to ask what the toddler should have for lunch, which coat to put on, when nap time usually is, or where the extra wipes are. She told me she felt like she was parenting from her desk while also trying to do her actual job.
She said her partner is a good dad and tries, but the mental load is still landing on her. By the time she gets home, she feels like she has done two jobs. She loves her family, but she is tired, and she feels guilty for even saying it.
It made me wonder how many people deal with this sort of thing. Does anyone else feel like they are still doing the thinking part of parenting even when they are not physically there?

This is SO BLOODY TRUE!!!!!

FFS DH, I became a parent at the exac5 sane time that you did. I'm winging it as well!

What is your situation?

This is learned helplessness and ineptitude by her DH, unless she married an underage child. Even my teenage son would be able to check the weather forecast and Google ‘lunch ideas for a toddler’.

This does not, and has not happened, in my relationship but neither DH or I revel in appearing helpless. What would happen if your friend didn’t answer her phone? If she genuinely feels their child would be in danger when left in the care of its own father, I would be rethinking the relationship.

I feel like this all the time! Maybe less so as the kids have gotten older, but it’s always there that I’ll be the one to sort everything or know everything. My husband has rang me before to ask me to ask the kids something. The kids were 17 and 19 with their own phones that he could have rang directly. It’s just his default to ask me every time.

Weaponised incompetence. Many men are highly skilled in it.

I mean in his defence he would’ve been like that before the baby was born and she still chose to reproduce with him. Why doesn’t she just stop picking up the phone?

She needs to do what I do when DH asks what to cook for dinner. Tell him to figure it out

She tells DH unless it’s a life or death emergency not to call her. And if he does call when it’s not a l or d emergency start to ignore the calls. The child won’t starve or die of hypothermia, he will work it out. Being at the end of phone just enables the behaviour .

If DH had asked me any of those questions I wouldn’t have known what to reply. I think I would have said something like “I don’t know, your call”, “why are you asking me?”, “are you serious?!” and so forth. But I had children with a man, not a child so the questions never arose.

I wouldn’t pick up the phone or state “I don’t know”!

Why did you put I in your thread title if you’re not talking about yourself?

What is the purpose of this thread for you?

Surely work can have a new policy that phones need to be away.

Imagine how annoying a colleague being on their phone all day for personal calls/ texts

Good grief I can’t imagine my DH phoning to ask things like that !

She needs to stop answering her phone or turn it off, if there's a real emergency he will phone her work.

10 minutes before pushed out my last baby I was on the phone to my husband explaining how they like their breakfasts and also helping my eldest with secure codes to make online purchases. 🤣 in fairness though he is usually solely in charge of all bills and me all home

When I went full time, dh called on the day he was supposed to do school pick up and dinner to ask what he should cook. The first 2 times I was polite but the third, I was drowning and lost it. “I don’t care. Open the fridge and use your eyes rather than expecting me to have a photographic memory of our cupboards when you are literally right there!”
He didn’t call again. We are still happily married but the transition from me being part time to full time was a little bit of a learning curve for dh.

there was also a moment after my outburst when a dc walked passed dh to come to me upstairs in the bath to ask for help opening a yoghurt. Sounds small but dh realised and understood the whole default parent thing in that moment and took steps to combat it.

I would never have accepted this from DH, how irritating.
She needs to tell him to work it out himself and stop answering his calls!

I get what you are saying, but I think in her case it is not about the child being unsafe. He can look after their toddler fine. It is more that he has got used to checking things with her because she usually knows all the details. It is annoying for her because she feels like she never gets a proper break from thinking about everything.
I don’t think she sees him as helpless, just a bit too used to asking instead of figuring it out himself.

In my case it is not as extreme as what I described about my friend, but I do get small bits of this. Sometimes my partner will call or text me at work about things he could probably figure out himself. It is not constant, just enough that I notice it and feel a bit pulled in two directions.
He is a good dad, and he means well, but I think we both got into the habit of me being the one who knows all the details.

My counsellor gave me a good phrase to use in times like this - “I’m sure you are more than capable of working this out” but you have to repeat it continuously until they stop asking.
I’ve also noticed lazy people at work doing the same thing. Asking me to help with something and then if I’m on another call and can’t help straight away, I see a message an hour later saying “not to worry, I’ve worked it out now”. I’m tempted to wait an hour before responding to all these messages to see if they can learn to problem solve themselves!

My friend is like this and she is an enabler of the incompetence. She never gets a break. We were once staying in a hotel for a weekend - both had toddlers and were exhausted. It was a treat and a break. At 7.30am on the Sat morning he was ringing to ask when the local farm park opened. I couldn’t believe it! This is a man who runs his own business. 15 years on similar things like this happen on a daily basis for her. She’s got a job working into the evenings now and husband (and now teen sons) expect her to know/do everything. She’s brought this on herself. I often wonder how it would be if she had daughters. Nip it in the bud now and do what @TeenLifeMum and @PoppyFleursay, or it will become lifelong. Reclaim some autonomy.