4th baby experiences - will it ruin my life?

[31weeksgone]

I know that sounds dramatic.

We have 10 year old girl and then 1.5ish year old twins. I will heavily caveat by saying we tried for the twins for years, fertility treatment, miscarriages, etc, so really went through it.

I feel so lucky to have 3 healthy children, and this 4th pregnancy has completely caught us off of guard. My husband’s vasectomy is next week! I’m now 9ish weeks pregnant and the twins will be 2.5ish give or take when the new baby would be born.

We’re not flush, we’re doing ok each month but not a lot left over for savings. We have a new 7 seater so sorted on the car front. We’d be comfortable, but not be able to do big holidays often, or things like that. Live in a 4 bed, so at some point the younger twin that matches the baby would have to share rooms. I like my job and work 3 days a week, and would like to continue.

I know it’s just about do-able, but I can’t shake the feeling I’m doing the wrong thing. It’s a HUGE shock, I’m worrying the other 3 will feel neglected. Worrying about c section recovery with TWO toddlers. I had an early scan today due to pain and now I can’t also bear the thought of having seen it wiggle and the heartbeat to end the pregnancy, but I’m utterly terrified.

Has anyone had 3 under 2.5-3, and can you give me any comfort or advice? Thanks if you read this far. Even typing all out is cathartic.

We had four in six years, last two not really planned. It was hard work but fine. They are all grown up now. I managed to carry on working part time although was in a job that worked round my dh's hours so minimal child care costs. I guess child care costs might be the biggest worry for you although twins would be not far off school age by the time your mat leave finished. Wishing you the best of luck.

Well i had 4 under 6 at one point but no twins.

Number 4 is a much loved hugely clever and delightful 22 year old now.

Im not going to say the early years were not difficult as they were always something going on. House rarely as tidy as I'd have liked it and holidays were a rare thing. Our savings disappeared.

However Not once did I regret no 4 and If I was to go back I would pick having the 4 all over again. She enriched our lives and was worth the no/fewer holidays and less savings.

I watch my 4 adult children now. They are a close knit group have one anothers back and the 2 with partners have picked partners that just slotted into that group and fit in.
To me that's more gold than I could have wished for

I don't know if that helps at all. Just I remember the shock of that 4th line and the doubts. Im happy I did not listen to them.

We had three under 3.

Very difficult for the first few years but they're older now, and its a dream tbh. They're so tight, and a team who stick together and mostly share the same friends.

I would say a very supportive partner who does at least half of.ebrything is vital

You will be fine, I had an unexpected 4th pregnancy .was a huge shock and took a long time to get my head round it,I felt i was letting my existing DC down,was worried about money, even felt a bit ashamed-like id be judged for having too many DC!
Even contemplated abortion but I knew in my heart I couldn't terminate and it was a real heart over head decision but it worked out just fine and I have a lovely daughter that I wouldn't be without.
Having 4 DC is joyful and yes of course also more demands on your time and resources but it will be ok .
Congratulations

It’s that as well, the fear of what people are going to say, the fear of judgement. I’m very lucky that the twins would keep going to nursery 3 days a week, and my husband could probably work from home the other two to be around for the first few weeks after paternity. But a nursery run with the twins and baby on my own is petrifying. It’s so silly the practicalities I’m getting hung up on.

We have literally no family or village here as we only moved 7 weeks ago, and family are 6+ hours away.

I’m an only child, so hearing all the positive stories makes me relieved I’m hopefully doing the right thing by giving my children their own siblings and hopefully their own “village” one day.

Thank you all for listening and replying 💐

I had an unexpected 4th pregnancy due to a failed vasectomy and we had 4 under 4. I wasn’t thrilled when I found it, went into denial for a few weeks but chose not to abort. We’re a few years on now & Dc4 is 6. I went back to work 2 years ago, as childcare wasnt an option so financially that was tough & no family support. I’ve retrained & career changed now too. I’m judged all the time for 4 or looked at slightly oddly- I developed lots of reply’s & past caring as there unfounded & fed up of people making assumptions. Practically, holidays are expensive & difficult with rooms as everything’s geared for families with 2 Dc. We Eurocamp style now for accommodation choices, cars always 7 seater, food shop is very expensive. We were fortunate we had a 3/4 bed house already & as slightly older when we had kids only have a small mortgage. Kids manages activities etc, we have days out but financially it’s tough & we save little at present. We were knackered as it was full on with 4 that young, our relationship took a backseat & we’re just getting back on track now (covid didn’t help as Dh lost his business). I wouldn’t change it though, 4dc is lots of fun & are all very close as a family.

hi OP. Im in a very similar position and I'm worrying too. I have 3 DC (7, 3 and 18 months) already and I was totally done. We've just got to a good place with sleep, routine and life. My middle child has some speech delays that I'm trying to help with so I've taken an extended career break from work but was looking forward to returning part time next year and freeing us up a bit more financially.

then I've just found out I am about 4 weeks pregnant. I can't believe it. I've considered abortion - I've got a call booked in on Thursday but I don't actually think I could go through with it ultimately, I just need to feel like I have some control. It'll be my 4th section which is one of the main things worrying me. I wake up in the night and feel sick with anxiety. Trying to get hold of my midwife for some reassurance on the section front but I don't know how I am going to survive the coming months or what I'll do about work. They're going to be miffed.

also haven't told my parents. My dad recently said 'don't have a 4th! It'll ruin your life!' So I'm really not looking forward to that conversation.

im taking comfort from the experiences of people in this thread with a 4th child.

hope you are doing ok xxx

Don’t worry about what others think. Four really isn’t so many more than “normal”!

The practicalities like nursery runs work themselves out. My twins were a little older when my third baby arrived (twins were just 4 when DC3 was born) and nursery/school runs were hard work but you find a system that works.

DC4 was a total shock. I was terrified I’d ruin everyone’s lives by going ahead with the pregnancy, but couldn’t bear to terminate. DC4 is an absolute delight; by far my “easiest” baby, and loved by all of his older siblings.

I have absolutely no regrets about having four. They’re 15,15,11 and 5 now, and love each other despite the sibling frustrations!

Good luck!

Another one with a fourth who wasn't exactly planned....I had 4 under 7 and it was tough, but looking back now (they're 21,20,17,15), I wouldn't have changed a thing. It meant I became a SAHM for longer than planned, and teen years are eye watering with food, shoe, clothing, driving and uni bills, but they are all happy and healthy and I love "our gang" and being a big family.

However, when they were babies/toddlers, I almost got a T shirt printed with

1. Yes, I do know how it happens
2. Yes, we do have a TV
3. Yes, all the same father
4. Yes, I do have my hands full

😂

I had 3 under 3. Then we had no. 4. I used to call her our luxury extra. Expensive, unnecessary, objectively unjustifiable. And (like all the best luxuries) she makes our lives that little bit brighter.

She"s now 18. And she still feels like a little piece of luxury, finishing our family.

I am not this sentimental in RL, promise.

I had 3 under 3 - I personally loved it. They've always been so close and still are now at 7, 6 and 4. I had no family help either. What really helped me was getting out of the house every single day (unless it was pouring with rain), I was a SAHM (I'm now studying at uni) and we used to go to toddler groups every morning.

I'm now pregnant again and my kids will be 7, 6 and nearly 5 on my due date. I'm scared of having a big age gap this time because idk whether they'll be as close to the baby as they are to each other.

We thought we were done for ages after 3, especially because I had a traumatic preterm birth and very hard pregnancy with #3. After 4 years we agreed to try again in May, but a random very early ovulation means that I'm due in May instead.

I couldn't care less about anyone's comments, which I'm sure they'll be a lot of as I'm quite young (27). Most people in both of our families have 4+ kids so I know they won't say anything, it'll just be strangers anyway.

I have 4. You can do it. The first couple of years were definitely stressful, but it's worth it. You've got this x

Omg yes, this!

Someone in MN suggested response "Well. You see, DH is just so damn good in bed I can't keep my hands off him".

Never had the guts.

OP, I have six with bigger age gap being 2 years, the rest are 18 months. Honestly, the fourth just spotted in with no trouble. It's like when people agonise about going from 1 to 2. It's not doubly difficult ( SEN aside I am sure). You just get on with it.

Personally I found it much easier with the small gaps.

I would comment that going to 5 and 6 were a VERY different kettle of fish.

Your concerns are completely valid. Most hospitals offer counselling before you make a choice.

Best wishes.

Well I guess it depends how you frame it op. Is it really that much different to 3? You’re already outnumbered.
It’s going to be hard. But it’s going to be hard anyway.
Would you be devastated not to go ahead?

Thank you for all of your reassuring messages, so kind so share your experiences with me. I go from being ok with it, to mad panic, and everything in between. I also feel horrifically guilty because the other two pregnancies were SO longed for and this isn’t an experience with this one, it’s uncertain and not immediate happiness and I feel guilty then for not wanting/loving/questioning this baby. It’s such a rollercoaster, perhaps it’s even the pregnancy hormones themselves and the feeling bloody awful. The doctor has given anti sickness so perhaps I’ll feel better soon. Once again thank you all for listening to my rambles x

Sending love to you too. I had a few abortion calls and MSI were so helpful and gentle, but I too just can’t bring myself to do it, which is so ridiculous because I’m the most pro-choice for anybody else. But it is terrifying the thought of a 4th when like you my twins were just getting easier, well as easy as toddlers get. We’ll be ok - and so will you - whichever option you take! X

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