I LTB and my parents have disowned me.

[TheLightSideOfTheMoon]

I left my abuse ex.

Emotional abuse. Financial abuse. Physical abuse.

I’m out. I’m okay.

However, my parents can’t accept it.

I’m constantly asked when we’re ’making up’ or I’m moving back home.

I’ve explained. They know. He changed the locks so I couldn’t get back in, he’s destroyed my belongings, he’s withholding sentimental items, he’s threatened to turn up at my work and he’s harassed me to the point of breakdown.

I’ve explained the above repeatedly. It’s not going in.

Do I just give up?

My dad has already said he’d ‘disowned’ me but then said he’d calmed down.

I just went to see them and I feel so drained and deflated. I’m just exhausted. I can’t see how I can get them to see it through my eyes.

Do I just write off the relationship?

I'm so sorry OP. Maybe they'll come round in time, but it's shit they aren't supporting you.

💐for being so brave x

Well done for leaving, OP. I hope you're ok and I wish you well. In my opinion you need to distance yourself from your parents if they're being so unsupportive. Do you have support from friends, or a therapist?

Well done op. Your parents shouldn’t be draining you and they’re meant to be on your side.
Do you have support elsewhere? This is a time you need to focus on yourself, reenergise yourself and be with people who are filling your cup not draining it then kicking it at your head

Cultural reasons ? Some old fashioned Catholic parents would see separation/ divorce as unexceptable . But how they can encourage you to stay with a man who physically abuses you is incomprehensible. Maybe it's not such a bad thing if you don't have to deal with them .

Disown them. All the best

Stop seeing your parents until they get over it even if that means giving them a miss over Christmas. Let them come to you.

They'll come round.

I wondered about this. DP’s parents are Catholic and were raging when SIL left her extremely controlling and financially abusive husband. They were embarrassed and ashamed and refused to believe that he could have been as bad as she said. They would have preferred her to be miserable than get divorced and even suggested that she was probably the one at fault because they ‘knew what she was like.’ They came round eventually, but if that was me I don’t think I would want anything to do with parents who weren’t on my side, whatever the reason.

OP what you did took courage.

And with the greatest respect to your parents you need to tell them to either be your loving parents who have your back or they can
Fuck Right Off.

Their job is to be there for you and to look out for what is best for you in the long term not to push you back into a home where you will suffer abuse.

And as for your job please please please speak to HR or a senior manager about the breakup and the controling abuse and the threath of him turning up.

It will be a crappy feeling while you are doing it but have an open discussion and ask them to put in a safety protocol that if he were to turn up that specific people know to call the police as soon as he turns up. You will remove the burden of worry of being "shamed" by any action he could try as there will be people there who themselves or members of their family will have have had to deal with a similar situation.

Best of luck and hope your parents soon remember that they are your parents.

i could have written the exact same post. Parents disowned me due to leaving an emotionally, physically & financial bully. Not just that he was doing this to our child as well. One of my parents told me that instead of telling them that I was leaving my husband, they wished I was telling them I had cancer. How could anyone say that to their child is beyond comprehension to me. My friends pulled me through the split, I survived. The divorce went ahead & im thriving! I love my life! My parents have come round slightly, but they still have friends they haven’t told about my divorce as “what would people think?!”

i Will tell you what I think - any woman who leaves an abusive partner deserves a medal, not shame off her parents.

i honestly wish you all the best & can guarantee in time, you will thrive.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you ended up with an abusive ex. I’d give your parents a big swerve for a while - and focus on your own healing x

I binned off my own family for this reason. Well done on getting yourself out of there. Just keep distancing yourself until you find the right spot for yourself.

Sending big unMumsnetty hugs to you OP

Congratulations for having the courage to leave an abusive man.

I’m so sorry that your parents have let you down.

And make no mistake they let you down. Not the other way round.

I hope you have some support IRL for real hugs.

I’m feeling tough enough to come back to this thread.

I’ve cried and cried and I think I’m coming round.

The day I posted was the day after my birthday. They didn’t call me on my birthday. I’d travelled from another town to see them for them to chuck me out after 45 minutes because they wanted to watch ‘The Chase’.

My abusive ex has fed them a story about my adultery (lies), my financial recklessness (lies) and how horrendously I’ve behaved. They’ve lapped it up like cocoa.

Anyway, I’ve not heard from them since.

I saw my son (22) who tells me they’re taking him and my ex out for a Christmas meal. No mention of me. No invitation for me.

Every Christmas they guilt trip me into cooking them a Christmas meal. Around mid-November they tell me they’ve bought the meat for Christmas Day, not giving me a chance to tell them I have other plans.

We’ve never had the best relationship, but I’m still gutted to be treated like this.

I’m okay now about letting them go. I’m up and down but I do think maybe this is for the best.

It’s hard enough leaving an abusive relationship; I didn’t expect my parents to take his side. I’m really hurt by it.

My mother also kept asking if I was going back. No. It took everything I had to leave. When I told her how upset I was she just told me to go to the doctor. When I told her I was homeless she told me to phone the council. They’ve offered no support or love. Nothing.

I know you can’t force people to love you, but I expected more.

My late mother reacted much the same when I left my abusive first husband . Even though she saw the bruises , even though my friend phoned to tell her I was in hospital after a ferocious beating .
She was more worried about what the neighbours would say .
I have been happily remarried for many years . She didn’t attend the wedding .
I send you my very best wishes 💐

Have you had any counselling since you LTB @TheLightSideOfTheMoon ? Or looked into The Freedom Programme which helps women who have been trapped in abusive relationships to understand why.

It sounds to me like you have been targeted by abusers your whole life. Your parents are controlling and abusive and emotionally manipulative, not seeing you as a whole person but as a thing that can be exploited for their benefit. You grew up in that kind of toxic environment and never quite learned what "love" looks like - and the man you were attracted to and married was an echo of the same abusive and manipulative behaviour.

You have been incredibly strong and courageous to finally leave this. I think you need to walk away from your parents too because they are part of the same mess. Freedom is available, you do not have to have anyone in your life who doesn't value your right to self-respect and autonomy.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this

It's now thought that when you have been in one abusive relationship you will statistically be more likely to end up in another. This is because your boundaries and self esteem have been ground down into nothingness and a good therapist and doing the Freedom Programme are the best ways to build yourself back up. Start protecting yourself and be aware of abusive patterns.

The reason you most likely had an abusive partner is because you had an abusive childhood. Let that sink in for a moment. Your parents had raised and trained you to not notice abuse so you ended up with an abusive partner, and they are continuing to abuse you despite you escaping. You now need to escape them. Let them go OP, they are deliberately hurting you and you do not deserve that. Seek counselling and find a new, brighter future. Good luck 💕

I wanted to send you my very best wishes for a brighter future. I think that you are incredibly brave and I hope that you continue to thrive, now that you are away from your husband. I'm so sorry that your parents aren't being supportive. Hopefully you have other people in your life who can be there for you.

Just checking back on this thread & I hope things are a little less tough for you @TheLightSideOfTheMoon