How do I help my 18 year old DD

[Ohfear688754]

Just to start this, I don’t think a boyfriend is the answer, I don’t want her to get a boyfriend and I don’t think she should have to but…….

18 year old DD (6th form) hasn’t ever had a boyfriend. Her friend group is small and gradually they have all got boyfriends and they have started to leave her out. To me a lot of it seems desperation to have a boyfriend and be “grown up” and instead of doing a bit of dating and having fun it’s like they are immediately in long, committed relationships and it’s to the exclusion of anything else.

Every party they all go to, it’s all couples, they are all going out as couples and they sit at school texting, and talking about their boyfriends.

Her best friend of 14 years got a boyfriend a year ago. This was really painful for her because her best mate literally dropped her overnight for him. They were really close friends and suddenly she was gone, she hardly ever even texts her now and it was a really hard experience for my DD and she leaned heavily on these friends.
Now they are going.

DD would love to go out with someone, but it isn’t happening and tbh I don’t know why. I would prefer she didn’t get into all that and just had fun, but I get when everyone else is and you are almost a social pariah because you aren’t seeing someone it’s awful.

She did get asked out by a boy about 6 months ago and she was so excited, only for him to cancel her the day before. She was utterly deflated and that really didn’t help matters.

I’ve had her in absolute tears today after another day of “talking about boyfriends” and them actually planning double dates right in front of her with little comments of “don’t worry we’ll find you someone”

In all honesty this is really far removed from my memories of being 18 as it really wasn’t a “thing” then and you didn’t tend to leap in quite as much as teens seem to now and I don’t know how to support her.

I tell her she will meet someone, that she just needs to have fun etc, but I get at her age when everyone you know is coupled up and it’s so obsessive that it’s a huge thing.

I don’t really know how best to support her

That must be so hard for you OP. But there is nothing you can do.

However, you could tell her to wait until they start going to university (if they are that kind of cohort). IMO things change then...

Can she look for a new group of friends? Or a new hobby or class that is not focused on couples. There will be other single girls at the college who might be ok to hang out with and not talk boyfriend. She doesn’t need to drop the existing friends, just widen the circle a little.

The issue is she’s at 6th form in school. These have been her friends since Year 7 and in Year 13 although she has other friends they are all very much in groups.

She has a part time job, but again, most of the other staff have boyfriends.

I know she would like one and she doesn’t get how all the other girls are meeting endless boys and going out. Now as an adult to me it appears that for most of them anyone will do, it’s more having one than liking them, but DD doesn’t see it thst way

Oh, my DD is the same bit of doesn't seem to bother her. She's Y12, never had a boyfriend or girlfriend but luckily her friend group are not so loved up, although they've all been out with people on and off. A couple of her close friends are gay, which I think helps a bit as it's less 'boy obsessed' and also in sixth form now she has widened her friendship group. The most boy obsessed moved into a 'party group'. DD was dying for sixth form to widen her friend group and it's been great. She always says, "There's plenty of time for that later!" but she is very focused on doing well and throwing herself into loads of extra curriculars.

I would encourage your DD to hang in there and focus on studies, uni choices or ideas for what she's doing next. This year will go so fast and she can't get it back but she has plenty of years left to date. It'll happen when it happens, no need to be desperate like the friends.