Why is my dad like this…

[leakycauldron]

Will try to keep this short. I’m in my 40s, parents divorced when I was about 2.
When they first split we would see my dad every weekend and during the week… I don’t remember this though. It eventually went to EOW and that was it. He would pick us up lunch time Saturday and drop us off around 4 on Sunday.
There was very little contact in between. I can remember as a teen having tearful conversations with him about his lack of effort but nothing ever changed.
I wouldnt describe him as horrible person, he can be quite thoughtful and caring and if I call him he will generally make time to be a listening ear and give good advice. And I doubt many people would have a bad word to say about him.

A few years ago his lack of effort came to a head. He got quite ill during covid and was on a ventilator. It took some time for me to even find out he was hospital. His partner didn’t see it as important to tell me. when he was back to better health I had it out with him saying he had set the tone that we were unimportant to him so his partner didn’t see it as a priority to let us know how ill he was.

At that point I was calling him regularly in the hope of improving things but it didn’t. If I text him they would go unread and unanswered. So I told him I wasn’t doing the chasing anymore and if we have a relationship it has come to from him.

so now we see each other twice a year and I hear from him a couple more times then that.

He rang me out the blue the other weekend. Had a really lovely chat for about 2 hours. Said I would send him pictures of some DiY to get his opinion on it… no response. Nothing.

I just don’t get it. How can he be lovely and interested one minute but then ghost me the next??

It’s got to the point I am looking for an argument so I can tell him I don’t want to hear from him again. I can’t deal with the emotional stress of it! Every Christmas and birthday I get all stressed out about whether he will call, be bothered to see me etc

anyone have any words of wisdom?
How do I square the fact he is a nice person but a shit dad?

You can’t square this.

You’ve nailed it.

So I would stop making the effort at all personally. You’re doing all the running and the enthusiasm. He doesn’t try because he doesn’t have to.

It’s very painful but people generally don’t change unless they have to.

And I wouldn’t waste time trying to ‘figure’ him out.

Stop expecting anything from him.

He does the easy bits. He calls when he feels like it. If he doesn’t feel like calling, or responding, or being in touch, he doesn’t - and it bother him, and you’re not on his mind at all.

It’s not your fault, or your problem to fix.

He can’t be arsed. You can’t change that, or make him want to change it.

He doesn’t care that it upsets you. Or maybe he wishes you weren’t upset, because it’s an inconvenience to him sometimes and feels like pressure or criticism - but that’s the extent of how much he cares.

Stop stressing about whether he’ll call - accept and expect he very likely won’t.

There’s nothing you can do.

Write him off.

I'm sorry - that sounds really horrible.

My dad left my family when I was a teenager and I really relate to the heartbreak over the lack of effort and inconsistency of him keeping in contact. My dad now hasn't actually been in contact for many years and it took me a long time to process the fact that he really just does not care.

It is really hard though with your situation as it sounds like your dad can sometimes be nice and engaged and other times just really shit. Something I've learnt over the years is instead of trying to compartmentalise someone into "a nice person", "a crap person", just to look at their behaviour and how it makes you feel. I spent ages feeling very confused about how my dad could have effectively abandoned his family, as I remembered some "nice" things he'd done, and I just couldn't somehow rationalise it all in my mind. How could someone nice also be so selfish?!

But I then realised that practically every single human being has good bits and bad bits - all it comes down to is - do you want them in your life or not?

In your case, your dad is hot and cold and inconsistent. Sometimes nice, sometimes not. So if that makes you feel unloved and rubbish - how do you want to deal with that? Is it ok for you to have him in your life, and if so, what are your terms? Or would you rather not have him in your life?

It sounds like he will never change and so the question is, can you have a relationship with him how he is, without always feeling heartbroken and disappointed?

It is very hard though, I understand.

You are def not telling me something I don’t know.

I don’t generally wait for him to call anymore in fact when he does call I generally don’t want to speak to him. And ultimately I don’t even want to see him!

He has been with his partner for a long time, she has 3 kids. The middle child (who is older than me) has never cut the apron strings. So whenever I see him she is always there… doesn’t matter if I go to them or they come to us or if we meet somewhere neutral. She’s always there and I have to sit and listen to all the things the three of them have been up to when I can’t even get him to return a text message.

I think the big issue is I’m people pleaser. And I almost feel like if I just told him to fuck off out my life he would be generally perplex as to why I was reacting that way! And I would be the unreasonable one. It’s like I’m waiting for him to do something so I can have the excuse to be mad…. If that makes sense.

I’m normally pretty good at reading people and understanding why they are the way they are. But with him I feel totally lost to understand why he does these things. I think part of it, is for an easy life. He doesn’t like to go out his way for anything if he can help it.

i remember about 10 years ago, he opened business offices near where I live, which is about 2 hours from him. Before opening the offices he would come to us once or twice a year. When he opened the offices near me he came up every weekend and I loved it as he would come to us for dinner and I was seeing him regularly. As soon as the business closed he went back to once or twice a year.

I think that’s it, you’re a people pleaser. The challenge with that is people know they can treat you as they wish you will be there. After 40 years of hurt you’re still there to pick up a 2 hour phone call. Maybe next time answer and within a few min say you’ve got to go, you’re in the middle of something and don’t give a reason. It’s a less passive aggressive than not answering or sending a ‘did you call text’.
My mum has been similar, when I was 12+ I would be at her side just hoping things would go back to how they were before her breakdown. For 10+ years she treated me terribly, then at 25 years old I just cut her off. Now another ten years or so down the line we have an ok relationship, phone call and gift through the phone for birthday here and there. She makes no effort with my children. I’ve learnt to live without her and honestly, she is missing out. It’s not hard feelings from my side as I’ve accepted it and appreciate I’ve probably caused her hurt ‘toughening up’.
do you know why you people please? I used to be one and I realised it’s because I didn’t get what I needed from my mum, I’d do anything for anyone to be liked and I liked to help people. I’m a hard nose nearly 40 year old now! Don’t go out my way for anyone. Try it, it’s addictive!

But I have no reason to not pick up the phone….
if that makes sense.
We haven’t had an argument or falling out. I had a an emotional talk with him a few years back and said I won’t do the running anymore and he hasn’t complained that I haven’t called. He just calls me every now and then.
I guess when I said I wouldn’t call anymore I thought he might step up a bit, but still every birthday I get anxious over whether he will remember or not.

After the last call he said we’d need to chat about Christmas etc and I agreed but made no suggestions on when or if I would see him. He won’t come to me, which I’ve no problem with, but I also dread going there. It’s so awkward and well to be honest… boring. We are very much visitors and not family and we always feel like we are intruding on their family time.

I know why I am people pleaser…. I have an older brother who to be frank has always been a pain in the arse but also had a multitude of health issues. So I had to be the good one. The one who doesn’t cause a fuss, the one who doesn’t say a word when they are upset. Because they couldn’t have coped with two of us being in “need” of anything. So I was good, did as I was told and kept quiet. I can remember as a kid getting accidentally burnt with a cigarette, I would have been about 8. I didn’t cry or make a sound when it happened and I don’t think I even mentioned it to my mum.

@leakycauldron "But I have no reason to not pick up the phone….if that makes sense."

But you do have a massive reason - his lifelong lack of effort and inconsistency!

I was wondering - say for example you did just not pick up the phone, or didn't speak to him for long the next time he calls - would you be hoping that he might ask you what's wrong, and then you could have a conversation, you could talk about everything and he would understand and start making an effort?

Or if you started to put in boundaries would a part of you be scared that he would just shrug his shoulders, say "oh well" and the contact would get less and less, and maybe dwindle down to nothing?

Sometimes we don't want things to come to a head as we're scared of losing the relationship entirely, however awful it is.

You sound like me. Nothing but solidarity. I remember being so unwell with a kidney infection was I was 18 and ended up in bad way. Just kept myself to myself and hoped it would go away with no one to help me. I remember laying in bed hugging my laptop charger for warmth as I was in so much pain and no energy to find or fill a hot water bottle. When I was 11 and fell so badly on a netball court (I still have the scar on my knee) I remember the teachers being so confused how I wasn’t crying, it tore so much skin off and they couldn’t stop the bleed. I remember one saying even I would be crying by now. I sadly had mastered the art of making myself as small and helpful as possible, including sucking up pain.

That said, stop being a people pleaser. It was one of the most liberating natural evolution moments I ever had, to stop helping people all the time. It is a muscle memory and becomes habit. It will set you free, and from your Dad, you will be amazed how people respond to it.

That’s why it’s addictive, you hold a boundary and watch people respond to you. I wonder if next time you cut the phone call short, no reason given just vague, and don’t entertain a 2 hour chat or call him back, if you will throw him off and he will wonder what’s changed and will change his tune. Either way just regaining some control and power will help you.

Treat people how they treat you
You're giving this far too much headspace
Carry on making plans for Christmas etc and if he rings last minute and expects you to fit him in then tell him you can't
Seriously try to stop worrying about someone who clearly isn't that bothered about having a relationship with you

No I don’t expect him to ask what’s wrong, I know he won’t ever do that. Because I know deep down he doesn’t want to know. He likes an easy life and me crying down the phone or making him feel bad makes his life difficult so it makes him keep me more at arms length.

I didn’t want to answer the phone last time he range but my DH makes me feel bad even though he knows the full extent of how I really feel. He doesn’t mean to make me feel bad but I think he just thinks “it’s your dad…”

Bless you lovely.
its truly horrible to feel like your not allowed to express pain or full emotion. Even know I would struggle…. God just remembered I broke a toe a few years ago infront of friends and I didn’t tell them I was even hurt until the next day. I didn’t react at all! The absolute thought of showing I was hurt makes me cringe!!

im not as much as people pleaser as I was. I mean im in my mid 40s and peri. So my patience is limited at the best of times. But with my dad, I find it so difficult! I think because he is generally so mild mannered. I don’t ever remember him raising his voice to me! Not sure I’ve even seen him
angry!

We have our plans pretty much already sorted. A visit will only be included if it fits our plans, and we will keep it short.

I know I keep it to much headspace but I don’t know how to stop it! I thought making the decision to leave calls etc to him would make it somewhat easier. And it did to an extent but the last weekend where he called and then ignore my text has just seriously done my head in.

Recommending a book for you that might help: it’s called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. Good luck

Ita the definition of insanity to keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. He has shown you who he is and what emotional investment he is willing or able to give. All you can control is your reaction to it. Its painful, sure, to feel rejected by a parent. Its something to explore in therapy. Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Lower your expectations from him.